She's Baaaaack!

Did you miss me?

I'm back and more bouncy and positive than ever! It's been a while since I wrote - but my excuse is official (if excuses can ever be official). I officially submitted my capstone (which is like a thesis) for my masters program on Sunday night. 50 pageroos, on the power of positivity. Some of my writing will remain top secret, but I'll be sharing most of it with you.

Let me share a few factoids about positivity just to refresh.

1. You're not supposed to be positive 100% of the time. First, because positive emotions actually don't stick around, they are transient. Second of all, that would be unhealthy, even if it were possible. We need negative emotions to inform us when something is wrong.

2. But, if you're interested in flourishing, you should experience at least three positive emotions for every one negative emotion. Just like ice has a tipping point for melting, you have a tipping point for thriving. If you're not thriving, you're languishing. This has been mathematically and scientifically proven.

3. Don't be so all-or-nothing and let yourself spiral into chocolate cake and misery. Just a little dose of positive emotion can deliver QUANTUM effects in your life. If you're more positive, you are open. When you're open, you welcome new encounters, literally see the world differently, more broadly, and you're more creative.

Hope you enjoyed just this little dose...so much more on its way.

Much love,
S

Resource: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Homage to Oxytocin

Go Oxytocin, the hormone that makes you warm, feel connected... the master social juice.

Here are some interesting factoids about the big O. They are interesting to me because they SCREAM how wired we are for connection. Physical connection.

When an infant suckles at the breast of its mother, Oxytocin production is triggered, which further stimulates milk release. Overtime this stimulation is conditioned so that just by seeing her baby, a mother’s milk lets down.

Ewes that are injected with Oxytocin will actually develop maternal bonds with lambs that are not their own. But if they are given treatment to block their oxytocin during birthing, they won’t develop instincts to their natural born offspring.

Oxytocin overrides fear. If rats are injected with oxytocin, they are able to override their natural instincts to avoid “stranger” rats. Injected female rats will immediately begin maternal practices even if they are not pregnant. They’ll adopt and nurture other young rats, lay down as if preparing for nursing, and protect their “adopted rats” from others.

Oxytocin creates a sense of calm and social harmony. For example, Apes spend 10% of their waking hours picking at one another’s fur. This is not for just hygiene, but rather, the rhythmic touching involved in apes’ grooming behavior stimulates the release of oxytocin, keeping relations among the group calm and cohesive.

Oxytocin reduces pain (like when your mommy kisses your boo-boo), relieves stress (like when your partner holds your hand through a difficult experience), and diminishes distractability (like when your coach grabs your shoulder).

When making love, the ultimate social connection, orgasm releases a flood of oxytocin in the bloodstream -which is why naps are so great after sex. Blood pressure goes down and levels of stress hormones. Performed regularly with the same person, this creates a bond between individuals - often resulting in a feeling we call “love.” This bond can temporarily misguide our attachments to potentially the wrong mate.

Oxytocin creates “warmth” in our bodies. When breastfeeding the baby shows increased blood flow to hands and feet. This also happens with adults as we smootch or whatever - we feel heat in our cheeks and warm chests.

So go out and touch someone.

Much O,
S

Source: Loneliness by John Cacioppo and William Patrick

Gratitude is the Gateway Emotion to Good Things

After I lost just about everything (money, men, apartment, and job), the only thing that got me back was GRATITUDE.

By experiencing true gratitude for my family, my friends, and the opportunity I had to rebuild and rest, I learned that in all that was lost, I had been found.

I believe, and once I'm done writing my capstone I will publish something official on this, that GRATITUDE is THE GATEWAY emotion to all the good stuff.

By gratitude I mean HEARTFELT "thank YOU." Not the BS thanks we sometimes mindlessly express. I mean the kind where your heart expands and you FEEL it. Here's why GRATITUDE is the shit:


GRATITUDE helps you SAVOR.
It induces you to SAVOR small things you can easily take for granted. Like running water, clean sheets, or your honey who just made you breakfast and wished you a good day.

In the process of SAVORING, gratitude gently, effortlessly, helps you become more MINDFUL, more PRESENT. Only if you are HERE and NOW can you be truly grateful for what is. (This is a relief for people like me who can't meditate regularly).

Being GRATEFUL opens your heart; by experiencing it you are automatically acknowledging all that you are able to RECEIVE and experience. So you are OPEN.

Lastly, true gratitude inspires you to want to give and serve others (Fredrickson, 2009). Not in the tit for tat kinda way, but in a way that is energized to really make a difference.

I have so much more to say about this...but for now this will do. Gratitude is the bombdiggity.

PS Sometimes people think I'm all pie in the sky - like just because I'm me I have an extra canny ability to experience this full-of-wonder-type-of-gratitude...but it's not me.

Anyone can get themselves into Gratitude. It's a process. Here are some ways I do it:

1. If I'm feeling like dump and throwing a pity party or hissy fit, I'll take a mental break from whatever I'm thinking and just list all the things I'm grateful for in my head until I feel better. I'll do this as I walk from the subway to my office or as I take a coffee break. Sometimes it takes a while. Here's how it sounds: "I'm so grateful for my legs that carry me. I'm so grateful for my mind that works. I'm so grateful for safety I feel. I'm so grateful for these cute shoes. I'm so grateful that it's warm outside..." Stay with this for minutes until you TRULY feel and believe just how damn lucky you really are.

2. If I'm about to sleep and feeling icky, I'll write at least three things I'm grateful for and why. The key is to be specific about the things as they relate to the day. So for example, even if a meeting didn't go well, instead of focusing on how it sucked or I suck, I'll say: "I'm grateful that I have a team dedicated to helping me organize our next presentation." Or, "I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to present and learn so I can kick ass next time."

3. If all else fails, just focus on everybody else who has it worse than you. This will zap you into a mindset of acknowledging all the abundance in your life. It may feel like cheating, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

To conclude (again). "If you focus on what you don't have, you'll find you never have enough. If you focus on what you do have, you'll find you always have more."

Thank YOU for reading.

S

Source: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Practicing Breathing, a Transferrable Skill

William James, THE man in psychology, says that do and your emotions will follow. Exercise is a great way to practice self determination and discipline. Talk about transferable skills. My downward dog and breathing spill over from mat to work to friends. For example, having practiced focused breathing for the day, it's now easier for me stay centered on writing my capstone instead of e-mailing, or to stay fully engaged in conversation with someone, instead of letting my mind wander to build my grocery list.

Check out the video I embedded and Yoga Yak for free yoga online.

Namaste.
s

FAKE FEAR and the GIANT OCTOPUS

Yesterday my friend and I were talking and I shared my freakish fear of the octopus. Whenever I'm in the ocean and begin to wander into waters where I can't see a thing, I immediately begin to imagine a giant octopus lurking around ready to seize and squeeze and take me down.

Sometimes, get this, I even imagine it in the pool.

Sometimes, it gets so strong I have to get out the water. But usually I don't because I know my fear is bogus.

There's good, valid fear that keeps you safe and then there's what I call FAKE FEAR. Fake fear is the kind you need to have a face to face with, a sit-down.

Here's how my "sit-down" goes in the water (it's more like a pep talk): "Stella, look at how beautiful the water is...such a nice day...la di da, la di da, ahhhh, doesn't that water feel amazing...there's no one here but your friends and little fishies, you are safe."

Now this is quite embarrassing. But but because our brains all work alike, I bet you have your own fun batch.

What's really scary is when these fake fears disguise themselves as the real thing. This is my warning to all of you. When it comes to your dreams, beware of the FAKE FEAR. It's ugly and will take you down. I've spent over six years training entrepreneurs and shaking off this fake fear.

Now that you've met my octopus, take a fresh look at whatever is keeping you back in life - in your career, your relationships, or whatever. Is it a fake-out?

If it is, have a mini session with yourself. Don't be mean or angry. Just say, "thanks for sharing, but I think I'm going to do X anyway."

Much love,
S

Srikumar Rao: Plug into your hard-wired happiness | Video on TED.com

Srikumar Rao: Plug into your hard-wired happiness | Video on TED.com

Does your blood sing with happiness as you wake in the morning? Can you drop to your knees in gratitude at all the blessings you're experiencing right now? If you're not this damn radiant, well, Professor Rao, from Columbia University, says you are wasting your life!

Because, guess what, your life is perfect. I know, I know...you're thinking, Stella, what are you on? But I agree with the dude. I'm not a complete master...but I'd say I'm getting there, and Rao is one of the reasons why.

Here's what Rao recommends:

Don't invest in the outcome, invest in the process. Do all you can to achieve your goal, but don't put your happiness on the line if you don't succeed. We've been taught that happiness happens when we achieve or get what it is we desire. But success is completely out of your control. The only thing you control is the process, the path towards your goal.

Watch out for the "If ______ (fill in the blank), then I'll be happy." This is the flawed model we've been trained on. Rao believes that if you can't find passion within yourself NOW, then no job, opportunity, person, or thing will do the trick. Everything you need to be happy, is within you, NOW.

Much love,
S

Synthesizing Happiness

Here Dan Gilbert, Harvard Prof, discusses how we synthesize happiness. We CAN make happiness and the kind we make is equally as good as the kind that we kind of stumble upon. The very commodity we chase, is one we can manufacture from within. Fascinating stuff and great news!

He also shares some cool studies about choice. Our "creating happiness" button only goes on when we have no other choice than to accept the cards we're dealt. Given the opportunity to reverse a decision, or to choose differently, can actually leave you unsatisfied in the long run.

This flies in the face of our assumptions about freedom of choice as a good thing. Intuitively, as consumers, I think we're all beginning to feel this truth. Personally, I'm tired of standing in the grocery store stumped over which toilet paper to buy. That's why brands who curate our decision making process are cashing out!

Think of Chipotle (which I just had for lunch). It's a simple as 1, 2, and 3. Or Amazon, which smartly suggests, "customers who bought what you just did, also like this..." Consider how you can make the lives around you more rich by curating and simplifying options for others. It takes so much damn energy to make a decision - so there is a lot of VALUE (be it emotional or monetary) that you can provide by taking decision making work out of whatever is at hand. For business owners, consider how you can taste match your customers' needs and lesson the choices they have to make. For employees, give your boss less options and a clear recommendation. For friends, narrow dinner options down to 3 cuisines instead of "what do you feel like eating?"

Making Cake with My Grandma

In the last hour I've just been reminded of many lessons. And the cake we're baking isn't even done yet! I'm writing this blog quickly while my grandma rests, as Ella Fitzgerald plays, and as we wait for our cream to firm up in the fridge. Here's what I got for you:

1. BLEND with the mistakes, it will turn out sweet.
It's been about 30 years since my grandma made this recipe. We're not sure why the cream is so liquidy, we expected something more stiff. So we're going with the flow (excuse the puns) and working with what we got. Just improvising - adding a lot more butter and cooling. Improvising happens everywhere. Kinda cool that you have to use the same level of calm, creativity, and positive thinking in the simplest of tasks - such as those in the kitchen to more complicated events - such as those in the boardroom, on the surgery table, or on the battle field.

2. TIMING is everything.
My grandma has to take a break because she has Parkinson's. She was just reflecting on how amazed she is at all she used to be able to do. Time takes its toll inevitably. I'm feeling more grateful than ever at the delicacy of what tremendous gifts I have right now. My youth, my security, my brain, my body. Are you making the most of what you got? Don't panic or be too hard on yourself if you jump to "NO." Sometimes making the most of it is simply a matter a drinking in the gratitude and being right here right now - just REALIZING how lucky you are. Yes, and then get to work.

3. EVERYTHING matters.
As I've been adding more butter here and there, transferring the cream from bowl to bowl, I've taken several licks of the sweet cream left lonely in the mixing dishes and abandoned spoons. Yum. But now I feel it. And it's not feeling so hot. Little things add up. Whether they are positive or negative. So making just a small step towards towards improving your mood, your love, or whatever, can make the sweetest difference. The great news is, that even if your steps have been taking you in the wrong direction, you can take just one step the other way, and begin anew. I'll be taking several steps to the gym once this weekend is done.

Much love,
S

Are you chewing yourself a new one?

It's now 1:19am. At about 1:10am I was chewing myself a new one. Here's a glimpse of the conversation I noticed in my head:

"Stella. (Okay, I don't talk to myself in the 2nd person, but will for effect here). It's 1am again! Haven't you made a commitment to yourself like a million times that you were going to go to bed earlier? I mean really, did you need to stay up watching Sex in the City, again?"

PAUSE.

"Stella. What is the big deal here? Are you really having this thought? Are you seriously beating yourself up right now for not getting to bed earlier on a holiday weekend?!?"

Perhaps it was yoga on Friday, or maybe my turning a year older last week, or maybe my practing self acceptance recently, or even the $50,000 I paid to learn about positive psychology - but whatever it was or is - the capacity to PAUSE, NOTICE, and re-direct my thoughts is the key to IT. Whatever it means.

We have about 60,000 thoughts a day. Most thoughts for most people are fast. We're so used to the noise of thoughts that it's easy to not pay attention to them. But tonight I did. I isolated a self defeating whisper that was not so much about going to bed early as it was on the gravy train toward undermining my self efficacy.

So I pulled the breaks as soon as I noticed and thought something like this instead: "So what? Maybe, you actually like going to bed late. Maybe you should F routine. You're not a routine, regular type of gal. You don't fold your shirts the same way, you enjoy wearing mismatching socks for the fun of it, so stop trying to act like an anal A job."

Standing up for myself and my behavior instead of judging it made me feel lighter. Why hadn't I thought to do that before?

This whole mental experience happened in a matter of seconds. But it's the capacity to tune into the chatter and transform the non-supporting thoughts that can change your life. Or at least, help you sleep a little better.


With much love,
S

Can you see it?

Here's a great article on how to achieve goals using imagery from Positive Psychology News Daily. One big point they make is that the thoughts we choose, if positive, are more likely to become a reality. Secondly, it emphasizes how the choice to create your reality is yours. Imagine your life as a movie and you as the director. You can choose to focus on whatever you want. Your movie has infinite potential - it's just a matter of whether you want to highlight the shit or the glory. This post also has some fantastic goal setting tips from one of my favorite ladies, Caroline Adams Miller, author of Creating Your Best Life.



By the way, I'm a total advocate of visualization for successful outcomes. It's worked for me and so many others I know. One way I use imagery is with my vision board. I have a 20x30 board with images that represent what I want to manifest in my life in the next year. I have this board above my desk and spend time looking at it everyday, getting excited about what's about to come into my life. Also, I spend time in the morning visualizing what I want to happen that day or in a certain meeting. I'll meditate briefly on these outcomes and muster up my feelings so whatever I'm imagining begins to feel really real. Sometimes when I'm without a book on the subway, I'll just spend time visualizing the details of the ribbon cutting ceremony of my next big venture. I see what I'm wearing, who is standing next to me, I practice my speech, I begin to get choked up because I'm so emotional and so excited and so grateful. I FEEL it and I SEE it. And I KNOW it's going to happen. Everything begins in the imagination - so visualize it.

It really works! It's easy. And it's fun. It's basically day dreaming but a little more strategic. You also don't necessarily need to give yourself that much time in advance depending on the activity. For example, on Friday, in yoga class, I used it before entering into the crow pose. I've never been able to master this pose until I took a few seconds before moving into it to actually imagine myself doing it. And then I did!

That's all for now.

Much love,
Stella

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Lately I've been acutely sensitive to the fragility, uncertainty, and mystery of it all. Sounds so dramatic and cliche. But I was recently in a bus accident and thankfully it wasn't serious. But woah, how damn lucky I was. And am. That I'm here writing you. That today I took the bus and arrived safely. That my limbs and muscles work. That my brain functions, heart beats, eyes see, and ears hear. The other day we had a pipeline break in my area and we received an automated message to inform us of why the water pressure might be low. Normally, I'd take that for granted. And perhaps even be annoyed - "uhhhh, there goes my shower!" But instead, I thought, "WOW, how nice to know that there is a system in place to communicate such things and to fix them." And then, how about the fact that today I ate food, any time and any where I wanted. I'm lucky that I still have grandparents to call up. I'm lucky I have friends who wish me the best and send me positive vibes upon request. I'm lucky I several pairs of shoes from which to pick for the same occasion. There is so much abundance, and so much to be grateful for. I know not everyone is so lucky...but there's always something for which to say, thank you.

Gratitude is powerful and studies show that expressing and experiencing gratitude leads to improved mood, pro-social and moral behavior.  Not only does it affect the individuals receiving and giving the gratitude, it has a cascading effect that spreads (Emmons, 2003). It's contagious!

So consider this blog a positive infection. I hope you get it!

Why my parents are beautiful.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Today is my parent’s anniversary (yesterday by the time you read this post). I love them immensely. I want to celebrate them here with words, in a way I’m not always able to do out loud or in the moment.

I spoke to my mom in the morning and then my father around 5pm. I said, “Happy Anniversary! I love you and wish you lots of happiness and good health and ever growing love.” But I say that all the time. What I don’t say is this:

Dad. You are right.
You are right in the way you love.
You are right in the way you quietly go about taking care of us.
Fixing what we break.
Making something from nothing.
Letting us be girls and be happy.
Shop.
Chit. Chat.

You are right about people.
As soon as you say, schmuck, it’s not long until I discover you’re right.
You are right about me.
Thank you for believing in me and seeing the rainbow above my head.

You are right that you chose mama and me.
And you are so courageous for it.
You are right in your heart even if it doesn’t always come out in the way I hear your words.
And that is all that matters.

You are brave.
You are a GOOD man.
You are STRONG human being.
I honor you.
I love you.
I’m grateful for you.

Mom. Sometimes I wonder if you realize just how amazing you are.
Sometimes I wonder whether you realize how meaningful your small gestures of care mean to me.
When you make me kasha when I’m in a rush.
When you stay up late with me, while I post on ebay.
When you remember my schedule better than I do, sometimes.
When you call me when I forget.
When you are strong for us, even when you feel weak.
When you love even through your anger and disappointment.
When you do what you are scared of.
Like swimming, skiing, trying parmesan cheese.
When you look stunning, everyday.
When you just do what needs to be done, with energy, joy, and life.

Mom and Dad. Thank you for all you do DO for us. And thank you for what you do not do for us. What I’m most grateful for from the both of you is the invisible stuff. The space you gave me to lead my life. When you chose not to say, or to question, or to get in the way. I know sometimes you may doubt whether you should have gotten in the way more. But because of your letting me grow, I am everything because of you.

I love you.

Doing a split mid-air for the neighbors

Today was a beautiful day outside. Must have hit 70 degrees for the first time in 2010 in my neck of the woods. I only motivated to go outside by like 4pm. I was busy watching Ghost Busters and other worthy things to keep me from the glory of Spring (read the sarcasm).

I finally went outside for a jog (after mentally beating myself up for not doing anything all day - even though that was my goal - I still couldn't 100% savor it - I'm working on that).

Anihoo, I'm so not a runner/jogger, but I wanted to sweat, move my body, and enjoy the weather. 15 minutes into my jog, recuperating from some cramps, and listening to Beyonce, I suddenly felt inspired to LEAP! You know, like a ballet dancer does, prancing into a split mid-air.

So I did it. In fact, I did it three times. I noticed some looks. There was a guy rubbing his chin as I passed.

Can I just tell you - I got the most amazing rush from my leaps. I felt my mood lift INSTANTANEOUSLY. I noticed I immediately went from dragging energy huffing and puffing to a glorious smile and laughing. I felt silly, zestful, and for a few seconds, I thought I had a handle on what life was all about.

What would life be like if we insisted on doing more split leaps and skipping through out our day?

Much love,
Stella

PS I so did not come close to looking like this girl in the picture.

Turd Encounter. The most disgusting post eva.

For my Positive Psychology homework we're supposed to have conversations with a partner to practice discussing what we're learning. Today the conversation was all about, pardon my Russian, kakashki.

Literally.

For this assignment my partner is supposed to pick an event that activated some negative thoughts. My job is to walk her through a process where she can parse out the facts from her feelings from thinking traps from the consequences of all of the above.

For this session my friend shared a story about how the four guys in her office aren't really clean. After kindly asking them to take better care of the restroom, she walks into the bathroom with a big floater awaiting her.

The thoughts she had: "This is disgusting. I'm embarrassed - what if my clients were to find this? WTF? Are we not adults here? Assholes!"

She was enraged. She immediately snapped a shot with her iphone and wrote a very angry letter to the landlord. At that moment her phone died and it didn't get sent. Thankfully.

Upon reflection here's what we learned from the turd encounter:

1. Shit happens regardless, but it's how you react that matters.

2. Share with a friend. Talking this event through with me took it from being something that was totally magnified in her mind to something she could laugh at.

3. Life doesn't happen TO you unless you let it. My friend realized this is not about "why me?" Not everything is about her.

4. Balance your attention. She realized she was diminishing the good stuff, like how much she loved her office, and blowing up the bad stuff.

5. Chill out. It's best to just let at least some time pass for cool-down before reacting to anything that sets you off.

6. Don't mind read. Or like my 4th grade teacher taught: assuming makes an ass-out-of-u-and-me. She was assuming they didn't care. But who knows, maybe the toilet was broken?

7. Avoid overgeneralizing. When my friend met one of her office mates he happened to be eating a Twinkie and downing it with a Slurpie from the gas station. Immediately she generalized that this man doesn't care about anything and IS disgusting. But that was just one snapshot of his life. You can't overgeneralize one behavior to an entire character.

So next time you have a fight or are rubbed the wrong way, do a check-in. Have you examined the fact? Have you analyzed the evidence or jumped to conclusions? Do you need a sec to cool down?

With much love,
Stella


PS Resilience by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte provides plenty of insight and tips on how to keep yourself positive and in the game. Karen is one of my professors and is leading the entire US Army through resilience training.

Mother Nature and I are Chillin': How to Change Naturally

Today is the most glorious day outside. You can smell the Spring in the air. I'm so stirred by this weather I just want to sing!

In addition to loving today, this blog post is a celebration of organic change and everything in due time. It's not like Mother Nature says: "Yo, gestating buds, sprout out NOW and put some leaves on this dead lookin' cold tree." So why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we (or at least, I, and a few others I may know) expect full bloom overnight?

Yesterday I was coaching a former investment banker who quit her job because she wanted a different life. Three weeks into her new life she's feeling anxious. In a very gentle and empathetic way I recommended a chill pill. Here are the details of that prescription, which I've been taking myself, and yes, it's sometimes hard to swallow.

1. Everything is happening as it should. You're in the perfect place. Whether it's amazing or sucks. There's something you need to learn about your current situation and that's why you're there. Learn this lesson now so you can move on. Or else, you'll continue to be challenged until you pass. If you're currently in a delicious place, congratulations! All you have to do is be grateful for every drop. But even for those of you who are in a sucky place, you also need to be grateful for the lessons because that's how you grow.

2. Change is physical. Or neurological. Whether you're starting a new job, trying to lose 10lbs, or choosing to date people who are actually good for you, changing your behavior is not as simple as just making a decision. There's a lot of rewiring that has to go on up there (in your brain) in order to make the change you want feel like second nature. William James, the famous psychologist, talks about the plasticity of our neurological system. New habits force new neurological pathways while practicing old habits deepens existing pathways.

3. Take action. Go cold turkey. William James advises that if you really want to make something happen, you just have to do it. By not taking action on your desire to create change, you're hard-wiring yourself for failure.

4. The key is to take one small step in the direction you want to go and acknowledge your success. For example, I told my banker friend to make a list of her priorities in the areas of wellness, relationships, fun, and work. I asked her to schedule the items that give her the most joy as if they were her most important business meetings. At the end of each day, she's going to write in her journal about how she delivered against her objectives to love life. William James says that action + experiencing success (even if small) is what insulates your resolve from the temptation of going back to your old habits.

5. Give yourself a break. We're all about productivity, efficiency, results, and logic in our society. So when our bodies and minds don't operate as quickly as our Apple, we think something is wrong with us. There's a gap of space and time between becoming aware of a change you want to make and actually making the change. Honor that gap. It takes time to cross through it and for the brain to rewire. The more elegantly you honor the rocky process of change by just being patient and accepting the fact that it might be messy, the easier the discomfort will pass. Remember, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." - Asian proverb.

Hope you like this mixed bag of metaphors...

Mustering patience with much love,
Stella

If my mom can do it, so can we.

Today was a very special day. For the first time in my entire life, I saw my mom swim. My mom is one spunky, brave, strong, fireball. But all her life she's carried an extreme fear of the water. Even putting her face directly into the shower was uncomfortable. For her birthday, my sister and I bought her swimming lessons. Here's what I learned from this experience:

1. Never give up on anyone or let them give up on themselves. It's just a matter of finding the right "in." My mom needed the assurance of a professional teacher, one-on-one. In positive psychology we know that not everything works for everybody - experiment until you find a strategy that works. Change is as much an art as it is a science.

2. Even those we look up to most still need us to say "great job!" My mom couldn't wait to show me how she swam today. It reminded me of when I was little and asked her to "watch me, watch me." My mom's desire to have me there as she swam exposed something beautifully tender to me. My giddy applause and "wow, I'm so impressed, mom, you're doing great," in the middle of Bally's Fitness Club pool was so important to her. While we all "know" how important praise is, sometimes, we, or at least, I, underestimate it, especially when it's going to "up" to someone I admire. I learned that everyone, no matter how amazing they already are, needs to be seen. We all have a duty to one another to rejoice and acknowledge each other's greatness.

3. Giving meaningful gifts feels SO good. I couldn't wait to give my mom this gift. I think this is the best gift I've ever given. Watching my mom in the Bally's gym pool doing something she never thought possible made me want to cry. This was so much better than jewelry and flowers. Studies show that giving can produce a physical high with similar benefits to a runner's high. You literally FEEL good.

4. "Anything is possible if you let it," Mary Poppins. By mastering this feat my mom is excited to see what else she can take on. It's truly contagious. Now no one in my family has an excuse that they "can't" do something.


5. It's never too late for anything! My mom (and my dad) learned how to ski at age 49 and to swim at age 52. And she's still adding to her list. I admire her courage and the fact that she's open for growth and trying new things. This makes me feel so excited about what new things I can learn and conquer with each year.

Thank you, mom. You've inspired me and I love you! Happy Woman's Day!

Much love to you all,
Stella

Do You Honor Your Pinky?

Yesterday, Karla (my business partner and friend) and I were having lunch with Will Leamon from Universal Force Yoga on 24th street. We're hoping to plan an exciting event together.

While enjoying our salads, Will was sharing mudras with us to help wake us up (we both had late nights). What is a mudra?

From Wikipedia on Feb 22, 2010:
A mudrā en-us-mudra-2.ogg [muːˈdrɑː] (help·info) (Sanskrit: मुद्रा, lit. "seal") is a symbolic or ritual gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. While some mudrās involve the entire body, most are performed with the hands and fingers. A mudrā is a spiritual gesture and an energetic seal of authenticity employed in the iconography and spiritual practice of Indian religions and traditions of Dharma and Taoism.

In yoga, mudrās are used in conjuntion with pranayama (yogic breathing excercises), generally while seated in Vajrasana pose, to stimulate different parts of the body involved with breathing and to affect the flow of prana in the body.

A brain research paper published in the National Academy of Sciences in November 2009, demonstrated that hand gestures stimulate the same regions of the brain as language.[1]

The point: every little bone in your body is signficant. Even moving your pinky in a certain way can have power over your emotions and thoughts.

There is a LOT of knowledge out there I don't know. And I bet you don't know it all either. And I know that positive psychology is still figuring it out, too. How exciting.


Much love,
Stella

Mindful Multi-tasking...Am I Brilliant or Kidding Myself?

I'm eating chocolate, doing laundry, facebooking, editing a paper, blogging, and watching the Olympics.

What does Positive Psychology say about multi-tasking?

Hmmm...I don't know. But let me talk about mindfulness.

If I am eating chocolate mindlessly yet am mindful that I am eating the chocolate in such a way, where am I? Let's see...

Mindfulness creates a space, a distance, between the “self” and the contents of one’s consciousness which includes thoughts, emotions, motives, one’s behavior, and the world (Maddux, 2009).

In this space, a flexibility imbues the individual, opening one up to novelty, sensitivity to context, and engagement with the present (Langer, 2009). Because we're open, mindfulness enables us to best deal with the inevitable uncertainties of life.

Still with me?

According to Barbara Fredrickson (2009), mindfulness is the gateway to optimism and positive emotion: “once you deliberately cultivate openness [via mindfulness], positivity follows automatically, along with its broaden-and-build entourage.”

Well, that's a plus! (pun intended).

Fredrickson further discusses how mindfulness is linked with resilience; because it is more grounded in the present, when mindful, an individual is less concerned or worried about the future. They don’t overgeneralize or overreact.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the first Western scientist to teach and apply Eastern mindfulness practices to his medical patients using a methodology called, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), discusses mindfulness as a non-judgmental attending to one’s inner experience with full awareness (Fredrickson, 2009).

For example, if one has a negative thought, in a mindful state, one can step back, accept the thought as just a thought, and not give into it.

AHA! This means I AM being mindful of my behavior right now and without slapping myself on the wrist, can step back and say, "enough, Stella, hide the chocolate!"

Here's where it gets interesting...

Over 25 years of studies reveal that mindfulness contributes to greater competence, health and longevity, positive affect, creativity, charisma, and reduced burnout (Langer, 1989, 1997).

In fact, mindfulness helps you experience less stress, less pain, reduced anxiety, clearer skin, and better immune functioning.

It's like vitamins, birth control pills, exercise, and pro-biotics all rolled into one!

Furthermore, it’s been proven that mindfulness training affects your brain; it reduces activity in circuits linked with negativity and increases activity in circuits linked with positivity (Fredrickson, 2009).

The opposite of mindfulness is mindlessness, going on automatic pilot. Most of the time we are mindless (Langer, 2009). Langer describes that mindlessness occurs in two forms: 1)through repetition such as driving the same route home and 2) Through single exposure of information such as when we blindly accept information without questioning it when presented by “authority” figures. So beware!

What can you do to be more mindful?

1. Meditate! Not sure how? Listen to Gabrielle Bernstein's guided meditations on iTunes.

2. When in conversation with someone, LISTEN to what they're saying instead of thinking about you're going to say or planning your grocery list.

3. Doing "mindless" tasks? NEVER! Even simple things like LAUNDRY can be done mindfully. Pay attention to the task at hand. For example, consider how amazing it is that you just have to press a button and presto, your clothing gets washed. Pay attention to how deliciously warm your clothing feels when it comes out of the dryer. Be HERE.

And yes, it's probably best to not do your laundry, blog, watch the Olympics, eat chocolate, facebook, and write a paper at the same time.

More mindfully now, with love,
Stella


References

Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity. New York: Crown Publisher.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003), "Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future," Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 10:144-56.

Langer, E. (2009). Mindfulness Versus Positive Evaluation. In Lopez, J. & Snyder, C. R. (Eds.), Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology (pp. 279-293). New York: Oxford University Press.

Maddux, J. E. (2009). Self-efficacy: The power of believing you can. In Snyder, C. R., & Lopez, S. J. (Eds.), Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology, 2nd ed. (pp. 335-343). New York: Oxford University Press.

The Stuff that Makes Me Cry

Living with meaning, meaning, being in service of something bigger than you, actually helps you live longer (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986)!

Here are some fun facts about living a life that matters (Luks, 1988):
Two thirds of people who perform altruistic behaviors report actual physical effects:
50% report a “high” feeling
43% of people who helped reported feeling stronger and more energized
28% felt warm
22% felt calmer and less depressed
21% experienced greater self worth
13% experienced few aches and pains

This has HUGE impact on what we "prescribe" to make ourselves feel better. Instead of seeking support, perhaps we should be GIVING support.

When I see and live meaning in action I just want to cry. Here's a few accounts of what's made me cry recently:


1. GIVING: During Thanksgiving Day weekend I visited my grandparents and did some gentle exercises with them on the carpet. After wards I massaged my grandpas back and his ears. He smiled with such glee it made me want to cry. Later I was telling my classmates in Philly about how meaningful this was to me and I did cry.

2. A few weeks ago I received the BEST gift ever. My friends, Alina and Klim Kavall, bought me the domain www.positivelystella.com and hooked it up so I didn't have to do a thing. They had no idea this was one of those annoying things that I kept pushing off on my to-do list. The unexpected kindness of this gesture made me tear. Seriously, this was better than diamonds.

3. Watching HBO's Documentary on Temple Grandin, the autistic woman who revolutionized slaughterhouses.
This movie made me sob. Watch it. I cried for her courage, her will, her overcoming, and her devotion to leave a meaningful mark on this world.

4. Being a part of one of best friend's wedding showers. Experiencing the product of the magnificent effort her mom and maid of honor invested and watching it all come to fruition.

5. Feeling grateful for just how freaking fortunate I am to have such an amazing family, group of friends, job, roof over my head, food in my fridge, coat on my back, toothpaste, a beautiful body that works, heat, a computer, safety, and I can go on. (This isn't really about meaning, more about feeling gratitude acutely...but still makes the crying list.)

To finish off...

"If you pay attention to all that you have, you'll always find more. If you pay attention to what you don't have, you'll always find you don't have enough" (Unknown).


With my love,
Stella


References
Hendrick, C. & Hendrick, S. (1986). A theory and method of love. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 50, 392-402.

Luks, A (1988, October). Helper’s high: Volunteering makes people feel good, physically and emotionally. and like “runner’s calm,” it’s probably good for your health. Psychology Today, 22(10), 34-42.

My Version of Being a Rebel

Okay. I've had another streak of not writing. But that's okay. Everyday I come up with FAB blog ideas and I just haven't created the opportunity to write. But I'm actually proud of myself for that. Normally I'd be chewing myself a new one for not doing what I SHOULD be doing...but I say, go ahead, and feel what it's like to NOT be perfect. It's actually nice. A little messy, but nice.


Here's an account of what else I've NOT been doing that I normally would consider something that I SHOULD be doing. Note: this exercise is obviously for those who may index high on anal perfectionism, work way too hard, are too hard on themselves, and try to please everyone in the world. If you don't experience these challenges, this post may not be a thrill for you. But watch-out, this is Stella being bad.


1. Last week I sent out the Ladies Who Launch newsletter with a typo in the subject line. Hell, this blog probably has a bunch of typos in it, too. Someone wrote me an edgy note that they were not "impressed". That totally sucked and gnawed at me because typos are not professional. I sent her a note that I hope she had at least enjoyed the content (the content was pretty good). I did not apologize. I'm tired of f'in apologizing.

2. I handed my positive psychology homework in late and I did not feel bad about it. Now this is Stella getting real rebellious. Watch out. Normally I'd torture myself with caffeine and sugar to meet the deadline. This time I said, F it. I need to take care of myself. (Isn't that what this program is about anyway?). The feeling guilty alarm tried to go off, but I snoozed it. I did feel a little bad...but didn't dwell on it.

3. I dance like crazy for 15-20 minutes instead of working out.
Normally I'd be like "well, it's not a real workout." But instead, I just let myself do something I love that's fun, releasing, and silly. Sure, it's not making me an Olympian, but you should see me grind by myself at 8am in my pj's.

4. I'm not answering all of my e-mails.
I get so many. I'm so freakin busy. I know there is an effective way to manage them...I know there are time management tricks I can try. But for now, there are just some e-mails that are going to fall through the cracks. And I'm not going to feel bad about it dammmit!

5. I take cabs! There are definitely moments where it would make more sense to take the subway...but lately, I've just been indulging in some above ground action. It might take longer and cost more, but I deserve not to have to walk between Times Square and Port Authority (my favorite places in the world) in high heels and 3 million freakin bags.

Okay, so I know I'm a pathetic bad girl. But here's what I've learned by releasing the "shoulds," Jewish guilt, and Miss Perfect agenda.

1. I am perfect! Family and friends still love me. I'm still in business. And I still got an "A." It's not that I got away with being "bad." The lesson is that I'm NOT bad. I'm perfect even when I do things I think aren't. We're all perfect even when we're messing up.

2. Letting yourself get a little messy is fun and opens you up to "ohhhh, what else I can get away with?" This did not encourage me to do further damage of any sort, but rather, reminded me of how much control I have over my everyday experience and LIFE! What a concept.

3. Being bad is like chocolate (at least for me). A little fix is healthy. But too much makes you sick. I've handed in all my assignments on time since my tardy episode.

Now it's your turn. For one day, don't SHOULD all over yourself and see what happens.

With my love and a little bad ass,
Stella