Back in 2010 when shit hit the fan on a personal level - I set out on a quest to figure out how to love myself. What does it mean to really love yourself? Is it regular mani-pedi's? Exercise? Good diet? Daily affirmations?
About two years later I think I've finally gotten the swing. The love comes from listening to myself. And not judging. And listening to myself. And not judging.
It's not easy to listen to myself hear say, "Stella, you're not going to work today - you've been working too hard all weekend, so you're going to have to do nothing this Monday." Or, "Stella, you want that chocolate cake like it's nobody's business, just go for it!" Or, "Stella, the answer isn't clear now, but trust that its on its way." Or, "Stella, even though everyone says it doesn't make sense, this is something you've got to do - so just do it." It's not easy to hear such messages without judgement.
It's felt like a wrestling match at times - to go down the path of listening despite what I thought I "should do." But the more I trust the listening and do it without judgement, the happier I am.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
I'm not sure if anyone is out there anymore. But I miss Positively Stella. It's the day before I test my first early prototype of the i scream truck - something I've been dreaming up for a long time. I felt kinda blah today. I took myself out for a walk and kept whipping out all the positive interventions I usually do for a lift: gratitude, visualizations, distractions, mantras - non of it making much of a dent in my state of whateverness-wtf-am-i-doing-ness-is-this-crazy-and-does-it-matter-ness. Then I saw a cab drive by advertising the lotto for a $110MM. I asked myself - what would I do differently if I had that money? And my answer was: exactly the same thing I'm doing right now. Sure, I'd have nicer bags, a dishwasher, travel some more - but the slight relief from anti-climaticism came there. Realizing that I'm living my dream. And while I have no clue if will all transpire - I at least know that I have no regrets for not giving it a crazy go right now. I told my boyfriend, Ilya, about my not feeling the butterflies today and he said so wisely, "the stars would not shine if there were no darkness." I don't remember where he got that from - but I'm so glad I got him. Love, S