Usually I assign meaning to events. By meaning, I mean, "oh, well, even though that sucked, look at what you learned, or, look how you've grown, or, if that never happened, this would have never happened." That's what I mean by meaning.
Assigning meaning to events helps cope with unexpected, perhaps, less than desired, outcomes. It gives you a way to rationalize what doesn't make sense. To wrap your head around it.
But it also is beyond that. At least for me. I believe it's about discovering the order of the world, and the truth.
Some of us don't notice meaning when we're coasting and life is good. We only find it when things go awry. But there are signs and connect-the-dots readily available to us all the time. We just have to open our eyes and choose to see.
Choosing to create meaning is about choosing a positive perspective. It doesn't mean you ignore loss, or disappointment, but you choose to create something positive from it.
This type of stuff comes in handy when you are:
1. Feeling like a victim
2. Are disappointed
3. Experience loss
4. Are in need of hope
5. Need affirmation you're on the right path
Showing posts with label meaning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meaning. Show all posts
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
You Freak, You
My favorite quote in the world is: "If you find your piece in the puzzle, you enable 10,000 others to find theirs."
This quote says several things to me.
1. You are unique.
2. You have a unique role.
3. Your playing your unique role enables others to play theirs.
4. We need you. You need us. We need each other.
5. You bes' be clear that you're special and that specialness is a responsibility.
For the past five year I've been honored with the opportunity to put several thousand through various workshops I teach. Through my experience with others and my own journey, I can attest that most of us do the below:
1. Judge that what makes us special isn't that special.
2. Forget what makes us special.
3. Do what we think the world thinks is special.
F that, people! Who are you to say that what makes you special isn't worth it? It's worth it to at least 10,000 others. Promise. You just might not see the ripples but they're there.
Just look at Ted Williams, the homeless man with a golden voice. Clearly he has a unique gift. But I don't think he ever imagined the impact that his great radio voice would have on opening the hearts and minds of millions. At best, he probably just thought he'd play some damn good music and give people a nice ride into work.
Don't judge your gift. The juicy mystery of how it will flourish for others is to be revealed if it isn't clear. Until then, just do what you do best.
I like to ask people: What are you freakishly good at? What just comes to you, naturally, without trying or learning so hard? What's your God-Given gift? It may be your ability to make someone laugh, or feel included, or elevated. It maybe remembering trivia or collecting stamps. It may be just looking pretty. Or maybe playing football. Or maybe creating multi-million dollar businesses. Whatever it is...
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman
Peace!
S
This quote says several things to me.
1. You are unique.
2. You have a unique role.
3. Your playing your unique role enables others to play theirs.
4. We need you. You need us. We need each other.
5. You bes' be clear that you're special and that specialness is a responsibility.
For the past five year I've been honored with the opportunity to put several thousand through various workshops I teach. Through my experience with others and my own journey, I can attest that most of us do the below:
1. Judge that what makes us special isn't that special.
2. Forget what makes us special.
3. Do what we think the world thinks is special.
F that, people! Who are you to say that what makes you special isn't worth it? It's worth it to at least 10,000 others. Promise. You just might not see the ripples but they're there.
Just look at Ted Williams, the homeless man with a golden voice. Clearly he has a unique gift. But I don't think he ever imagined the impact that his great radio voice would have on opening the hearts and minds of millions. At best, he probably just thought he'd play some damn good music and give people a nice ride into work.
Don't judge your gift. The juicy mystery of how it will flourish for others is to be revealed if it isn't clear. Until then, just do what you do best.
I like to ask people: What are you freakishly good at? What just comes to you, naturally, without trying or learning so hard? What's your God-Given gift? It may be your ability to make someone laugh, or feel included, or elevated. It maybe remembering trivia or collecting stamps. It may be just looking pretty. Or maybe playing football. Or maybe creating multi-million dollar businesses. Whatever it is...
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman
Peace!
S
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Stuff that Makes Me Cry
Living with meaning, meaning, being in service of something bigger than you, actually helps you live longer (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986)!
Here are some fun facts about living a life that matters (Luks, 1988):
Two thirds of people who perform altruistic behaviors report actual physical effects:
50% report a “high” feeling
43% of people who helped reported feeling stronger and more energized
28% felt warm
22% felt calmer and less depressed
21% experienced greater self worth
13% experienced few aches and pains
This has HUGE impact on what we "prescribe" to make ourselves feel better. Instead of seeking support, perhaps we should be GIVING support.
When I see and live meaning in action I just want to cry. Here's a few accounts of what's made me cry recently:
1. GIVING: During Thanksgiving Day weekend I visited my grandparents and did some gentle exercises with them on the carpet. After wards I massaged my grandpas back and his ears. He smiled with such glee it made me want to cry. Later I was telling my classmates in Philly about how meaningful this was to me and I did cry.
2. A few weeks ago I received the BEST gift ever. My friends, Alina and Klim Kavall, bought me the domain www.positivelystella.com and hooked it up so I didn't have to do a thing. They had no idea this was one of those annoying things that I kept pushing off on my to-do list. The unexpected kindness of this gesture made me tear. Seriously, this was better than diamonds.
3. Watching HBO's Documentary on Temple Grandin, the autistic woman who revolutionized slaughterhouses.
This movie made me sob. Watch it. I cried for her courage, her will, her overcoming, and her devotion to leave a meaningful mark on this world.
4. Being a part of one of best friend's wedding showers. Experiencing the product of the magnificent effort her mom and maid of honor invested and watching it all come to fruition.
5. Feeling grateful for just how freaking fortunate I am to have such an amazing family, group of friends, job, roof over my head, food in my fridge, coat on my back, toothpaste, a beautiful body that works, heat, a computer, safety, and I can go on. (This isn't really about meaning, more about feeling gratitude acutely...but still makes the crying list.)
To finish off...
"If you pay attention to all that you have, you'll always find more. If you pay attention to what you don't have, you'll always find you don't have enough" (Unknown).
With my love,
Stella
References
Hendrick, C. & Hendrick, S. (1986). A theory and method of love. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 50, 392-402.
Luks, A (1988, October). Helper’s high: Volunteering makes people feel good, physically and emotionally. and like “runner’s calm,” it’s probably good for your health. Psychology Today, 22(10), 34-42.
Monday, January 4, 2010
People Matter
One of the key pillars to flourishing is relationships. Below is a paper I wrote on November 29th, 2009 about where happiness resides. Relationships matter. If you happen to be watching the PBS special tonight - you'll see it covers some of the research I reference below.
Where does happiness reside: in the individual, dyads, or in groups?
I say all three. Haidt (2006) would agree, as he claims that happiness happens in the “in-between.” It happens in between the self and one’s work, in between the self and a loved one, in between the self and something larger than the self, a group. However, while happiness occurs in all three instances; happiness cannot occur solely within the individual alone. If the only connection one has is work, and not in between other people or groups, than most likely, that person is not happy. Unless that person has a very structured way of dealing with their time and the environment, loneliness lacks the external stimulation, feedback and goals we need to keep our attention from wandering down the negative spiral. Usually, even when we want to be alone, as soon as we are, we end up wanting to be around others again (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). In the below I will discuss happiness in each instance and also highlight findings that supports each occasion.
Happiness happens at the individual level in several ways, but I’ll just focus on one: flow. Flow can occur in a non-work environment, but let’s just assume it’s work for this paper. Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow describes when an individual is in total immersion, “in the zone.” While in this state, the individual is challenged, but has the skills to meet his challenge. Time stands still and attention is laser focused on the task at hand. The experience of flow keeps one wanting to come back for more. It feels good. You’d do it even if you didn’t have to. Doing it is an ends in itself. Your deep focus enables you to forgot about all of life’s other worries. You are in total control. You’re neither bored or anxious. You feel like you’re discovering. It can happen to a dancer, a child spinning into virtugo, a yogi, and a surgeon on the operating table.
Happiness between two individuals is driven by two main principles: attachment, that bonds child to mother, and caregiving, that bonds mother to child (Haidt, 2006). A study on rhesus monkey reveals that “contact comfort,” the feeling of a mother, is critical for development. Researchers found that monkeys would cuddle with a cloth in the absence of a mother; they would do this despite the cloth, not being a source of milk. Attachment enables a feelings of both safety and exploration; two needs that continue into adulthood and into our romantic relationships. Feeling a loved one’s embrace, knowing they are in the room, that they are there to support us, gives us security and courage to explore the world. Furthermore, being in a deeply connected relationship offers an opportunity for giving, which is as beneficial, if not more, to receiving. It’s proven that happy individuals are likely to live longer and that they have better immune systems, recover faster from surgery, and all other benefits.
Finally, happiness exists between the individual and others, a group. We can define a group as narrow as one’s spouse and children to connectedness with people we don’t even know. To support this, we consider Haidt’s ultrasocial concept, and studies of the brain. Robin Dunbar has demonstrated that our brain size is in almost in perfect proportion to our social group size. And our brains are huge compared to other mammals. They are only 2% of our body weight, yet they consume 20% of our energy, and they’re so big they cause us to be born pre-maturely (compared with other mammals) so we can at least make it out of the womb. Why do we have such huge brains, so we can manage the social landscape of our human world. This social landscape is indeed critical to our well-being. In fact, if you look at suicide rates, single individuals have the highest rate, married people, less so, and those with children, the least. Connection between individual and group is super special because meaning is created. The stepping out of oneself into something larger than “me” is most transformative and even transcendental for some. Literally, the human brain has two switches that turn-off when one is engaged in a a mystical experience or a ritual experience with others. These switches turn off one’s spatial boundaries and spatial location; so literally, a feeling of oneness with all the world and all the people occurs. This can be triggered in something as simple as repetitive drilling in the army. I shall end on a quote by William McNeill, describing how marching induced a state of altered consciousness and ultimate connectedness with his fellow soldiers:
"Words are inadequate to describe the emotion aroused by the prolonged movement in unison that drilling involved. A sense of pervasive well-being is what I recall; more specifically, a strange sense of personal enlargement; a sort of swilling out, becoming bigger than life." (Haidt, 2006).
References
Haidt, J. (2006). The happiness hypothesis: finding modern truth in ancient wisdom.
New York: Basic Books.
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York:
Harper Perennial.
Where does happiness reside: in the individual, dyads, or in groups?
I say all three. Haidt (2006) would agree, as he claims that happiness happens in the “in-between.” It happens in between the self and one’s work, in between the self and a loved one, in between the self and something larger than the self, a group. However, while happiness occurs in all three instances; happiness cannot occur solely within the individual alone. If the only connection one has is work, and not in between other people or groups, than most likely, that person is not happy. Unless that person has a very structured way of dealing with their time and the environment, loneliness lacks the external stimulation, feedback and goals we need to keep our attention from wandering down the negative spiral. Usually, even when we want to be alone, as soon as we are, we end up wanting to be around others again (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). In the below I will discuss happiness in each instance and also highlight findings that supports each occasion.
Happiness happens at the individual level in several ways, but I’ll just focus on one: flow. Flow can occur in a non-work environment, but let’s just assume it’s work for this paper. Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow describes when an individual is in total immersion, “in the zone.” While in this state, the individual is challenged, but has the skills to meet his challenge. Time stands still and attention is laser focused on the task at hand. The experience of flow keeps one wanting to come back for more. It feels good. You’d do it even if you didn’t have to. Doing it is an ends in itself. Your deep focus enables you to forgot about all of life’s other worries. You are in total control. You’re neither bored or anxious. You feel like you’re discovering. It can happen to a dancer, a child spinning into virtugo, a yogi, and a surgeon on the operating table.
Happiness between two individuals is driven by two main principles: attachment, that bonds child to mother, and caregiving, that bonds mother to child (Haidt, 2006). A study on rhesus monkey reveals that “contact comfort,” the feeling of a mother, is critical for development. Researchers found that monkeys would cuddle with a cloth in the absence of a mother; they would do this despite the cloth, not being a source of milk. Attachment enables a feelings of both safety and exploration; two needs that continue into adulthood and into our romantic relationships. Feeling a loved one’s embrace, knowing they are in the room, that they are there to support us, gives us security and courage to explore the world. Furthermore, being in a deeply connected relationship offers an opportunity for giving, which is as beneficial, if not more, to receiving. It’s proven that happy individuals are likely to live longer and that they have better immune systems, recover faster from surgery, and all other benefits.
Finally, happiness exists between the individual and others, a group. We can define a group as narrow as one’s spouse and children to connectedness with people we don’t even know. To support this, we consider Haidt’s ultrasocial concept, and studies of the brain. Robin Dunbar has demonstrated that our brain size is in almost in perfect proportion to our social group size. And our brains are huge compared to other mammals. They are only 2% of our body weight, yet they consume 20% of our energy, and they’re so big they cause us to be born pre-maturely (compared with other mammals) so we can at least make it out of the womb. Why do we have such huge brains, so we can manage the social landscape of our human world. This social landscape is indeed critical to our well-being. In fact, if you look at suicide rates, single individuals have the highest rate, married people, less so, and those with children, the least. Connection between individual and group is super special because meaning is created. The stepping out of oneself into something larger than “me” is most transformative and even transcendental for some. Literally, the human brain has two switches that turn-off when one is engaged in a a mystical experience or a ritual experience with others. These switches turn off one’s spatial boundaries and spatial location; so literally, a feeling of oneness with all the world and all the people occurs. This can be triggered in something as simple as repetitive drilling in the army. I shall end on a quote by William McNeill, describing how marching induced a state of altered consciousness and ultimate connectedness with his fellow soldiers:
"Words are inadequate to describe the emotion aroused by the prolonged movement in unison that drilling involved. A sense of pervasive well-being is what I recall; more specifically, a strange sense of personal enlargement; a sort of swilling out, becoming bigger than life." (Haidt, 2006).
References
Haidt, J. (2006). The happiness hypothesis: finding modern truth in ancient wisdom.
New York: Basic Books.
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York:
Harper Perennial.
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