It's now been about 3.5 months since I moved to San Francisco so the space is emerging for me to reflect on the (unexpected) shock of landing on the West Coast.
When Ilya and I decided to move it all happened fast...we packed up our lives in six weeks. I thought we'd just transplant and I'd continue my life and business where I left off. No problem.
Instead I arrived in California and woke up the next morning feeling so disoriented that I wanted to jump out of my body.
Looking through the stacks of boxes I could see life outside my window. People going to work... cars zooming by. The day was sunny and I felt mocked by its beauty. I felt like double crap...because everything else seemed to shine.
There was no food in the fridge. Seamless in San Francisco isn't as seamless as it is in New York (uhhh, delivery charge and it takes an hour!). I was hungry. And I had to go out for food. I had to face streets unknown, grocery aisles anew, and people from a different land.
I thought to myself, "Stella, step out, explore! Find a new place to eat." And then, I thought, "Fuck you. I don't want to explore. Why is this feeling so difficult. Shouldn't this be exciting?!"
I spotted a taco place that looked cool. It was lunch time. I walked in and it was buzzing. Mexican women authoritatively commanded one to report their order fast. Start-up dudes waited in line, elbowing each other, laughing, talking about selling their third business for lots of zeros. Sports were on one tv, news on the other. It seemed so loud, so busy (hellooo, spoken from a woman who lived 6 blocks from Times Square). Everyone seemed in on a way of being that I was not.
Suddenly I felt like the new girl. I felt like I was 9 again, and just moved to New Jersey from Texas. Everyone and everything felt intimidating. I didn't know what kind of tacos I wanted! I didn't want to sit by myself! I didn't want to watch sports!
"What's happening to me?" I panicked. "Come on Stella - are you seriously afraid to sit down here? Who are you Stella? What's wrong with you?" I turned around and left quickly. I got some takeout next door and practically ran home to cry.
That instance wasn't about the taco shop, it wasn't about California, it wasn't about my confidence. It was about being in the process of releasing all that I knew and saying, "welcome," to the unknown packaged in way I would have never consciously asked for but actually had been asking for all along. I was experiencing pure creation and at the beginning of a new adventure.
To be continued...