Losing All My Confidence in Taco Shop

It's now been about 3.5 months since I moved to San Francisco so the space is emerging for me to reflect on the (unexpected) shock of landing on the West Coast.

When Ilya and I decided to move it all happened fast...we packed up our lives in six weeks. I thought we'd just transplant and I'd continue my life and business where I left off. No problem.

Instead I arrived in California and woke up the next morning feeling so disoriented that I wanted to jump out of my body.

Looking through the stacks of boxes I could see life outside my window. People going to work... cars zooming by. The day was sunny and I felt mocked by its beauty. I felt like double crap...because everything else seemed to shine.

There was no food in the fridge. Seamless in San Francisco isn't as seamless as it is in New York (uhhh, delivery charge and it takes an hour!). I was hungry. And I had to go out for food. I had to face streets unknown, grocery aisles anew, and people from a different land.

I thought to myself, "Stella, step out, explore! Find a new place to eat." And then, I thought, "Fuck you. I don't want to explore. Why is this feeling so difficult. Shouldn't this be exciting?!"

I spotted a taco place that looked cool. It was lunch time. I walked in and it was buzzing. Mexican women authoritatively commanded one to report their order fast. Start-up dudes waited in line, elbowing each other, laughing, talking about selling their third business for lots of zeros. Sports were on one tv, news on the other. It seemed so loud, so busy (hellooo, spoken from a woman who lived 6 blocks from Times Square). Everyone seemed in on a way of being that I was not.

Suddenly I felt like the new girl. I felt like I was 9 again, and just moved to New Jersey from Texas. Everyone and everything felt intimidating. I didn't know what kind of tacos I wanted! I didn't want to sit by myself! I didn't want to watch sports!

"What's happening to me?" I panicked. "Come on Stella - are you seriously afraid to sit down here? Who are you Stella? What's wrong with you?" I turned around and left quickly. I got some takeout next door and practically ran home to cry.

That instance wasn't about the taco shop, it wasn't about California, it wasn't about my confidence. It was about being in the process of releasing all that I knew and saying, "welcome," to the unknown packaged in way I would have never consciously asked for but actually had been asking for all along. I was experiencing pure creation and at the beginning of a new adventure.

To be continued...

Pleasure, A Close Cousin to Negative Emotion

I started another blog post but got hungry. While searching for some research on my post, I found this paragraph below that I wrote in my capstone for grad school. Because I'm craving a yummy breakfast - I'm taking the easy way out of this post opportunity by copying and pasting something else I wrote. Read and you'll see how my hunger/ desire for food is affecting this opportunity for expansion, for giving you something bigger:

"I want to distinguish the difference between positive emotions and bodily pleasures. While they feel good, bodily pleasures do not function like positive emotions. The positive experience of sexual stimulation, a massage, yummy chocolate cake, or a warm blanket on a cold winter day, do not lead the way to flourishing. In fact, bodily pleasures are close cousins to negative emotions by the way they similarly narrow one’s mindset to focus on satisfying a desired action. Unlike negative emotions, rather than moving away from something [like danger], we are drawn to the craved experience (Fredrickson, 2009)."

Pleasure isn't bad, it just doesn't necessarily lead you to being your biggest self, to growing, to expanding - because you can't look up until satisfied. There's a role for pleasure, because damn, it feels good! Just know it has limits on how it can actually serve your intentions.

Quickly signing off for some bruncheroo action.

Best
S

Fredrickson, B. L. (2009). Positivity. New York: Crown Publisher.

Sulk. Just a little.

FIVE OR SO TIPS FOR HOW TO FEEL DOWN, POSITIVELY*

1. Realize you feel like shit. Be honest.
Whether you're angry, sad, anxious, or aren't sure but just out of it...you can't change course if you don't recognize where you're at. Stop trying to stop whatever you're in. By pushing it away, ignoring it, or trying remedy it asap you're ignoring a symptom. Honor your emotions. No need to fake you're fine.

2. Allow it. Sulk.
We think so badly about negative emotion. But they are there to guide us towards a better way. It just doesn't feel comfortable. Let yourself sulk. Know that this is normal. When you catch a cold, you let it pass. You get all snotty and icky, but the best thing to do is just chill and let it run its course. Same here. Simmer a bit.

3. Get quiet.
Sulking usually is isolating. Any negative emotion - fear, anxiety, sadness, etc. is designed to push us away from danger. By doing that - it pushes us away from others. I think sulking in whatever you're feeling, may be good to do alone for just a bit. It enables you to tap into what may be going on. But be your own judge, you may prefer to share to help someone work it out with you.

4. Ask, "what's up?"
With as much curiosity as you can muster and without any judgment, ask yourself, deep inside, what is there to learn or gain from this ickeyness. Take your time. There is no time that is too long or too short. Take YOUR time - which only you KNOW.

5. Integrate and own.
Take in the lesson (although you might not recognize it as such at the time) with gratitude and own whatever responsibility you had in the creation of your own experience.

Make a choice to take one small step towards something that will lift your spirits..

Keep repeating until you feel not just better, but more grown.

much love,
S

*Disclaimer....this advice is for the rather small to moderate rough patches. If you are experiencing deep depression or a major traumatic event, do consult with a professional nearby for support. We all need support.

Getting raw, my real deal

It's a ritual. And this is year number five for our Positive Psychology program at UPenn. At the end of the year, we have a Quaker Dinner. This is a dinner where, when the spirit moves you, you get up and share a few words.

These were mine. Reflecting, refracting, and reliving.

I'm incredibly grateful for all the beautiful people in MAPP who helped get me through this year, and those four minutes. A special shout out to my girl, Zuzana Zilkova, who literally held me up on stage.

One of my questions for Positive Psychology was what's the most positive way to suffer? How does one positively lose? So far, what I've discovered, is that you must feel the pain in order to heal. It's inevitably messy and damn uncomfortable - especially for control/achiever freaks like moi. One of the best books I've read on this is Elizabeth Lesser's Broken Open. Elizabeth describes this as the Phoenix Process.

In Elizabeth's book she shares not only her own story, but those of others. She demonstrates the universality of loss. And she goes on to describe while shit happens to ALL of us - we try to hide it from one another, like it's a secret. Quick, get over it, move on, DO. But by hiding the secret of being human - to oneself and to the world, by trying to sweep the pain away, one can miss the most beautiful part of being alive...and that's letting a piece of you die, so that the rest of you can flourish.

After saying my few words, several classmates approached me and thanked me. Wow. For what? I was surprised. But then I realized. This talk was not for me...but maybe for others. Maybe, just maybe, by sharing my secret, I might be helping others live through theirs. And for that chance, I share this magnificently messy moment with you.

Here's to life.
Stella

BREAK-UP, BREAK-DOWN, BREAK-THROUGH: honoring the ugly to get to beautiful, again.

2009 was a very tough, personal year for me. One of the best and the worst yet. I broke off a long term relationship, started another one, got engaged, planned a wedding in two months, cancelled the wedding, moved three times, started a full-time masters program, and continued to run and grow two businesses.

I remember post break-up(s) how frustrated I would get for the sudden forgetfulness and clumsiness that took over the person I formally was. I’d walk into rooms forgetting why. I’d make appointments and not be able to keep them. I felt tired and demotivated. And while I showed up the next day(s) post break-up for work, ready to go, I wasn’t really ready at all. I kept wondering to myself, why am I not on top of my game?

DUH, STELLA!

In trying to keep it all together, I almost got away with IT. I almost got away from the big lesson. I almost got away from the pain.

Here are five insights/points/tips I picked up on why and how to honor the ugly. Honor it so you can break-through and grow beyond the breakdown.

1. There’s a difference between experiencing negative emotion and just festering. Don’t fester. Feel the darkness but look towards the light and always move towards it. They say “acknowledge” your negative feelings - which is hard. What exactly does “acknowledge” mean? That’s part of the journey, figuring that out.

2. Negative emotion narrows your breath as much as your thinking. You’re literally less creative and able to see the big picture. You’re very focused. Read Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson, there’s research that proves this.

3. Because you’re focused, you are more likely to better analyze a problem or something that doesn’t feel right. You make certain types of decisions, better. Like leaving a relationship that you shouldn’t be in. It’s hard to leave something if everything feels dandy.

4. So therefore, negative emotion is good for you - at least in small doses. When you experience a big loss, obviously you’ll experience more of it. However, on a regular day, you want to experience THREE positive emotions to every ONE negative. Read Barbara Fredrickson's book, Positivity, for research on why this magic ratio works...I’ll provide another post to talk more about this later. Want to know your ratio of positive to negative emotion? Take the PANAS test here.

5. If you don’t address deep negative experiences, your body will address them for you. Let yourself feel, experience, “acknowledge,” so you CAN move on.

For some of you, this blog may seem out of sorts for “Positively Stella!” But it’s not healthy or smart to pretend that shit doesn't go down. Life is beautiful, but it can get messy.

In Diener and Biswas-Diener’s book: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, they discuss that being too happy and too optimistic can actually be bad for you. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being extremely optimistic, people who are very optimistic at a 7 or 8 are FAB. But people who are at a 9 or 10, might be too peachy keen. Take the optimism test on www.authentichappiness.org.

So why is being too positive bad?
1. If you have a health condition and just hope for the best and that everything will be fine, you might ignore signs and symptoms that need attention.
2. If you’re so deliciously satisfied with yourself and life, than you might lack the drive to take things to the next level at work. You might not challenge yourself to grow.
3. If you’re SOOOO positive that you’re almost manic, you run the risk of being insensitive, flaky, and other fun stuff.

Here's to honoring the processes that make life worth living.

With much love in both the light and the dark,
Stella

PBS Special: This Emotional Life

Dear All,

My friend Lisa Kalikow helped produce this PBS Special. Looks fantastic!

On the eve of a new year, as millions of Americans search for more meaning in their lives, Vulcan Productions and NOVA/WGBH have teamed with Harvard psychologist and best-selling author of Stumbling on Happiness, Professor Daniel Gilbert, to produce This Emotional Life.

This Emotional Life unfolds across three, two-hour episodes. The programs explore the nature of the social relationships that are the key to human happiness (Family, Friends & Lovers); the obstacles to happiness—negative emotions – which we can’t live with and can’t live without (Facing Our Fears); and the sometimes misguided pursuit of happiness itself (Rethinking Happiness). The shows were produced by Kunhardt McGee Productions. Each episode weaves together compelling personal stories of ordinary people and the latest research in psychology, along with revealing comments from celebrities such as Chevy Chase, Larry David, Elizabeth Gilbert, Alanis Morissette, Katie Couric and Richard Gere.

The series premieres on PBS, January 4-6, 2010 at 9:00 p.m.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/

Positive Psychology in a Box