F U dude

The other day I was crossing the street. My right of way. Totally going at a normal pace. And a car honked really loud and long and turned way too close to me. Dangerously so. Without thinking I gave the guy the finger and screamed, "fuc+ you dude!"

It's been a long time since I let the finger get the best of me. I've gotten myself to a place where I automatically go for empathy versus offense.

(For example, now that I think about, what if that guy had an emergency).

But the truth is, I didn't care in that instant, I was reacting to my being being in danger and what I interpreted as unnecessary assholeness. I'm proud of the FU + Finger combo.

It felt exhilarating. There are times when the warrior needs to be on.

Even in positive psychology, people who score a 10 out 10 in being optimistic aren't actually that well off. If you're too positive and too optimistic you are a danger to yourself. You may not go to the doctor if something needs attention, you may be so content at work that you don't challenge yourself or get lazy, assuming you have total security, and, well, you just might also be manic.

Here's to be normal. And still positively so.
S

BREAK-UP, BREAK-DOWN, BREAK-THROUGH: honoring the ugly to get to beautiful, again.

2009 was a very tough, personal year for me. One of the best and the worst yet. I broke off a long term relationship, started another one, got engaged, planned a wedding in two months, cancelled the wedding, moved three times, started a full-time masters program, and continued to run and grow two businesses.

I remember post break-up(s) how frustrated I would get for the sudden forgetfulness and clumsiness that took over the person I formally was. I’d walk into rooms forgetting why. I’d make appointments and not be able to keep them. I felt tired and demotivated. And while I showed up the next day(s) post break-up for work, ready to go, I wasn’t really ready at all. I kept wondering to myself, why am I not on top of my game?

DUH, STELLA!

In trying to keep it all together, I almost got away with IT. I almost got away from the big lesson. I almost got away from the pain.

Here are five insights/points/tips I picked up on why and how to honor the ugly. Honor it so you can break-through and grow beyond the breakdown.

1. There’s a difference between experiencing negative emotion and just festering. Don’t fester. Feel the darkness but look towards the light and always move towards it. They say “acknowledge” your negative feelings - which is hard. What exactly does “acknowledge” mean? That’s part of the journey, figuring that out.

2. Negative emotion narrows your breath as much as your thinking. You’re literally less creative and able to see the big picture. You’re very focused. Read Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson, there’s research that proves this.

3. Because you’re focused, you are more likely to better analyze a problem or something that doesn’t feel right. You make certain types of decisions, better. Like leaving a relationship that you shouldn’t be in. It’s hard to leave something if everything feels dandy.

4. So therefore, negative emotion is good for you - at least in small doses. When you experience a big loss, obviously you’ll experience more of it. However, on a regular day, you want to experience THREE positive emotions to every ONE negative. Read Barbara Fredrickson's book, Positivity, for research on why this magic ratio works...I’ll provide another post to talk more about this later. Want to know your ratio of positive to negative emotion? Take the PANAS test here.

5. If you don’t address deep negative experiences, your body will address them for you. Let yourself feel, experience, “acknowledge,” so you CAN move on.

For some of you, this blog may seem out of sorts for “Positively Stella!” But it’s not healthy or smart to pretend that shit doesn't go down. Life is beautiful, but it can get messy.

In Diener and Biswas-Diener’s book: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, they discuss that being too happy and too optimistic can actually be bad for you. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being extremely optimistic, people who are very optimistic at a 7 or 8 are FAB. But people who are at a 9 or 10, might be too peachy keen. Take the optimism test on www.authentichappiness.org.

So why is being too positive bad?
1. If you have a health condition and just hope for the best and that everything will be fine, you might ignore signs and symptoms that need attention.
2. If you’re so deliciously satisfied with yourself and life, than you might lack the drive to take things to the next level at work. You might not challenge yourself to grow.
3. If you’re SOOOO positive that you’re almost manic, you run the risk of being insensitive, flaky, and other fun stuff.

Here's to honoring the processes that make life worth living.

With much love in both the light and the dark,
Stella

Damsel DEstressed

Coming back from an intensely activating weekend at UPenn I couldn't wait to get home to do and think NOTHING! As I arrived in the New Brunswick train station, I decided to go for something I never, ever do. Take the train station elevator.

I was tired, I had big luggage, and the door was wide open. I figured, why not?!?

Following me was a cheerful young woman in a wheelchair. Together we scooted into the welcoming elevator and pressed "Ground Level." Whoops, nothing happened. We pressed again, and again. Nothing. We pressed the alarm. We pressed everything. We laughed.

Oh shit we were stuck in an elevator.

With my mighty 5 foot frame I tried to push the door open to no avail. I called the cops who told us to stay put. OK.

Aside from the smell of urine which we adapted to in about five minutes, the experience was positive and inspiring. It was a delight to be stuck with Eloise, a lovely medical student. We trusted we would be just fine.

Here's what I learned:
1. If there's nothing you can do about something, just laugh.
2. Even if it smells like pee, you can find something delightful in a situation.
3. I'm so grateful to live in a country where we have organized systems in place to protect. Thank GOD for the brave (and cute) firefighters who came to our rescue in about 10 minutes.
4. Everything will be OK.
5. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm taking the stairs next time.

So here's to destressing even when you're literally stuck.

Much love,
Stella

Positive Psychology in a Box