She's Baaaaack!

Did you miss me?

I'm back and more bouncy and positive than ever! It's been a while since I wrote - but my excuse is official (if excuses can ever be official). I officially submitted my capstone (which is like a thesis) for my masters program on Sunday night. 50 pageroos, on the power of positivity. Some of my writing will remain top secret, but I'll be sharing most of it with you.

Let me share a few factoids about positivity just to refresh.

1. You're not supposed to be positive 100% of the time. First, because positive emotions actually don't stick around, they are transient. Second of all, that would be unhealthy, even if it were possible. We need negative emotions to inform us when something is wrong.

2. But, if you're interested in flourishing, you should experience at least three positive emotions for every one negative emotion. Just like ice has a tipping point for melting, you have a tipping point for thriving. If you're not thriving, you're languishing. This has been mathematically and scientifically proven.

3. Don't be so all-or-nothing and let yourself spiral into chocolate cake and misery. Just a little dose of positive emotion can deliver QUANTUM effects in your life. If you're more positive, you are open. When you're open, you welcome new encounters, literally see the world differently, more broadly, and you're more creative.

Hope you enjoyed just this little dose...so much more on its way.

Much love,
S

Resource: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Making Cake with My Grandma

In the last hour I've just been reminded of many lessons. And the cake we're baking isn't even done yet! I'm writing this blog quickly while my grandma rests, as Ella Fitzgerald plays, and as we wait for our cream to firm up in the fridge. Here's what I got for you:

1. BLEND with the mistakes, it will turn out sweet.
It's been about 30 years since my grandma made this recipe. We're not sure why the cream is so liquidy, we expected something more stiff. So we're going with the flow (excuse the puns) and working with what we got. Just improvising - adding a lot more butter and cooling. Improvising happens everywhere. Kinda cool that you have to use the same level of calm, creativity, and positive thinking in the simplest of tasks - such as those in the kitchen to more complicated events - such as those in the boardroom, on the surgery table, or on the battle field.

2. TIMING is everything.
My grandma has to take a break because she has Parkinson's. She was just reflecting on how amazed she is at all she used to be able to do. Time takes its toll inevitably. I'm feeling more grateful than ever at the delicacy of what tremendous gifts I have right now. My youth, my security, my brain, my body. Are you making the most of what you got? Don't panic or be too hard on yourself if you jump to "NO." Sometimes making the most of it is simply a matter a drinking in the gratitude and being right here right now - just REALIZING how lucky you are. Yes, and then get to work.

3. EVERYTHING matters.
As I've been adding more butter here and there, transferring the cream from bowl to bowl, I've taken several licks of the sweet cream left lonely in the mixing dishes and abandoned spoons. Yum. But now I feel it. And it's not feeling so hot. Little things add up. Whether they are positive or negative. So making just a small step towards towards improving your mood, your love, or whatever, can make the sweetest difference. The great news is, that even if your steps have been taking you in the wrong direction, you can take just one step the other way, and begin anew. I'll be taking several steps to the gym once this weekend is done.

Much love,
S

What Graduation Feels Like

“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.” - Orson Welles

Today I graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with a Master in Positive Psychology. Kind of. Our class technically finishes in the summer when we complete our capstones - but we got to wear the cap and gown and I bought a Penn t-shirt...so it feels like I graduated. I feel good. Relieved. Happy. Content. Sad. Uncertain. Anxious. Calm. Cool. A little numb. Open. Collected. Grounded. All at once.

Maybe it's the Gemini in me that's enabling so many different things to be going on. But this HUGE deal is just taking some time to integrate.

Much love,
Stella

Softy shmofty: Happiness is hardcore!

Let me just set the record straight with just a few good factoids here about happiness:

1. Happier people LIVE longer and healthier lives
In a study with over 2,800 men age 65 and older, those who tested higher on positive emotion were HALF as likely to DIE and HALF as likely to experience disease (hello?!?).

2. Happier people make more money and set bigger goals
In a study with 272 people, happier people received better evaluations from supervisors and higher pay. In another study, both children and adults who were induced into positive moods (by watching happy movies or looking at positive images) selected higher goals, performed better, and persisted longer than those who were not in a good mood.

3. Happier people have more fulfilling relationships
In a study with 222 college students, those who were considered "very happy" spent the least time alone, the most time socializing, and were rated to be in fulfilling relationships by their friends and self.

4. Happier people have better sex
Yes, it's true! There are studies that support this. But damn, I can't remember where I read it...so I'll get back to you on this one if you're interested.

5. Happier people are happy!
This is the funniest thing of all. That I feel compelled to write a blog that DEFENDS HAPPINESS! Sometimes I tell people I study happiness and they look at me like "what? ha." People...WTF. Experiencing happiness is what makes life worth living. Somehow we forget that. We forget that our mission in life should be to make ourselves happy. Some think that pursuing happiness is selfish. Some think it's impractical. Some think it's soft. But it's not. And best of all, when you're happy - you make the world happier. You make others happier.

Here are two of my fave quotes on that:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
-- Howard Thurman, Dean of Theology and the chapels at Howard and Boston universities for more than two decades, and in 1944 helped found the first racially integrated, multicultural church in the United States.

"When you find your piece in the puzzle, you enable 10,000 others to find theirs." T Harv Eker


With much love,
Stella


Sources: For more great studies and info, read Martin Seligman's book, Authentic Happiness. He's coming out with an evolved theory on positive psychology - but this book still holds major gems on the science of happiness.

Getting raw, my real deal

It's a ritual. And this is year number five for our Positive Psychology program at UPenn. At the end of the year, we have a Quaker Dinner. This is a dinner where, when the spirit moves you, you get up and share a few words.

These were mine. Reflecting, refracting, and reliving.

I'm incredibly grateful for all the beautiful people in MAPP who helped get me through this year, and those four minutes. A special shout out to my girl, Zuzana Zilkova, who literally held me up on stage.

One of my questions for Positive Psychology was what's the most positive way to suffer? How does one positively lose? So far, what I've discovered, is that you must feel the pain in order to heal. It's inevitably messy and damn uncomfortable - especially for control/achiever freaks like moi. One of the best books I've read on this is Elizabeth Lesser's Broken Open. Elizabeth describes this as the Phoenix Process.

In Elizabeth's book she shares not only her own story, but those of others. She demonstrates the universality of loss. And she goes on to describe while shit happens to ALL of us - we try to hide it from one another, like it's a secret. Quick, get over it, move on, DO. But by hiding the secret of being human - to oneself and to the world, by trying to sweep the pain away, one can miss the most beautiful part of being alive...and that's letting a piece of you die, so that the rest of you can flourish.

After saying my few words, several classmates approached me and thanked me. Wow. For what? I was surprised. But then I realized. This talk was not for me...but maybe for others. Maybe, just maybe, by sharing my secret, I might be helping others live through theirs. And for that chance, I share this magnificently messy moment with you.

Here's to life.
Stella

Play

Play is being responsible in an unexpected way...it's about letting yourself own the moment to create whatever you want. You don't just follow directions, color in the lines...you risk into the uncertainty of the future - be it on an adventure, in a conversation, at work, or any experience of life.

Tonight I met for coffee (actually, mint tea) with Carrie Lobman and Janet Wootten from the East Side Institute, a radical movement away from traditional psychology.

I was asking Carrie how to wrap my head around play and instead of helping me put play into a box, she said, why don't you just play with how to express it?

Love that.
S


Carrie Lobman, EdD is Assistant Professor of Education at The Graduate School of Education, Rutgers University. She is also the director of the Developing Teachers Fellowship Program at the East Side Institute. She is co-author of Unscripted Learning: Using Improv Across the K-8 Curriculum.

Breaking down in front of 50 people

Martin Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology, one of world's most influential leaders in psychology, witnessed me losing it this weekend.

Him, and about 50 other people.

It was the best experience ever.

I'll have to share more soon.

Much love,
Stella

Blow Men Off No More...My Disco Epiphany to World Peace.

Last night I was celebrating my friend's birthday at an East Village spot. A great Whitney Houston song came on that triggered all females to jump up and dance. (Meanwhile, the men just looked at each other and said, "Who actually likes this song?")

Anyway, I happened to be in the back far away from the dance floor, but I couldn't resist getting down, even if it was all by myself. I was in my groove (yes, Stella got her groove back) when some very cute boy (literally) approached me. The exchange went something like this:

MY INITIAL THOUGHT: Does this boy even shave? Right now I'm not really feeling like being social. But let's see...I'll be curious and give him a minute to see where this goes.

WE CHIT CHAT FOR A MINUTE.

NEXT THOUGHT: He's obviously a nice guy and very brave for coming over. An 'A' for effort. If only you were 10 years older, this could be fun.

I SAY: Well, thank you so much for coming over here and keeping me company on the dance floor. It's very brave and sweet of you. I pat his arm, and give him the signal that we're about done. I sincerely meant what I said and I think he really received that intention. He looked at me appreciatively, gave a little nod, shy smile, and walked away.

I thought that went well and I felt really good about the exchange. It felt nice being nice. I actually felt like I did a good deed. No need to be a biotch if you're not interested.

That then inspired me to reach out to someone who had been pursuing me and who I left hanging via text. I'd been deliberating whether or not it was better to just not respond or to face the situation. Which would be less bruising to the ego? But after last night I decided that leaving someone hanging isn't a reflection of what I want to be about. If I'm about connectedness and the value of every human being - than being too cool for school is not the way.

So I contacted the guy and that exchange went brilliantly. It has now sent me on a kick of reinforcement that being nice is not only nice, but effective. In fact, being honest about my feelings with both guys made me feel closer to them.

I know my experience on the dance floor can't possibly compare to nations at war. But there is a kernel of grander truth that shimmered for me in the dark, dirty downtown spot, at 3am, over Whitney Houston...and that was golden rule. Perhaps the secret to world peace revealed itself to me in a profound way - as I practiced what I was taught since I was little - treat others how you want to be treated. If we all worked up the patience and the guts to share our differences and varied intentions out loud, with respect, and honesty, I think we all might feel more connected, more love, and even a little sexier.

Sincerely,
Stella

P.S. Insulting someone actually activates their fight or flight hormones for 48 hours. Consistent highs in these hormones lead to all sorts of negative things like heart disease. So next time you're considering being mean, know that sticks and stones may break your bones and that words can actually hurt you. Be nice!

Can you see it?

Here's a great article on how to achieve goals using imagery from Positive Psychology News Daily. One big point they make is that the thoughts we choose, if positive, are more likely to become a reality. Secondly, it emphasizes how the choice to create your reality is yours. Imagine your life as a movie and you as the director. You can choose to focus on whatever you want. Your movie has infinite potential - it's just a matter of whether you want to highlight the shit or the glory. This post also has some fantastic goal setting tips from one of my favorite ladies, Caroline Adams Miller, author of Creating Your Best Life.



By the way, I'm a total advocate of visualization for successful outcomes. It's worked for me and so many others I know. One way I use imagery is with my vision board. I have a 20x30 board with images that represent what I want to manifest in my life in the next year. I have this board above my desk and spend time looking at it everyday, getting excited about what's about to come into my life. Also, I spend time in the morning visualizing what I want to happen that day or in a certain meeting. I'll meditate briefly on these outcomes and muster up my feelings so whatever I'm imagining begins to feel really real. Sometimes when I'm without a book on the subway, I'll just spend time visualizing the details of the ribbon cutting ceremony of my next big venture. I see what I'm wearing, who is standing next to me, I practice my speech, I begin to get choked up because I'm so emotional and so excited and so grateful. I FEEL it and I SEE it. And I KNOW it's going to happen. Everything begins in the imagination - so visualize it.

It really works! It's easy. And it's fun. It's basically day dreaming but a little more strategic. You also don't necessarily need to give yourself that much time in advance depending on the activity. For example, on Friday, in yoga class, I used it before entering into the crow pose. I've never been able to master this pose until I took a few seconds before moving into it to actually imagine myself doing it. And then I did!

That's all for now.

Much love,
Stella

Doing a split mid-air for the neighbors

Today was a beautiful day outside. Must have hit 70 degrees for the first time in 2010 in my neck of the woods. I only motivated to go outside by like 4pm. I was busy watching Ghost Busters and other worthy things to keep me from the glory of Spring (read the sarcasm).

I finally went outside for a jog (after mentally beating myself up for not doing anything all day - even though that was my goal - I still couldn't 100% savor it - I'm working on that).

Anihoo, I'm so not a runner/jogger, but I wanted to sweat, move my body, and enjoy the weather. 15 minutes into my jog, recuperating from some cramps, and listening to Beyonce, I suddenly felt inspired to LEAP! You know, like a ballet dancer does, prancing into a split mid-air.

So I did it. In fact, I did it three times. I noticed some looks. There was a guy rubbing his chin as I passed.

Can I just tell you - I got the most amazing rush from my leaps. I felt my mood lift INSTANTANEOUSLY. I noticed I immediately went from dragging energy huffing and puffing to a glorious smile and laughing. I felt silly, zestful, and for a few seconds, I thought I had a handle on what life was all about.

What would life be like if we insisted on doing more split leaps and skipping through out our day?

Much love,
Stella

PS I so did not come close to looking like this girl in the picture.

Turd Encounter. The most disgusting post eva.

For my Positive Psychology homework we're supposed to have conversations with a partner to practice discussing what we're learning. Today the conversation was all about, pardon my Russian, kakashki.

Literally.

For this assignment my partner is supposed to pick an event that activated some negative thoughts. My job is to walk her through a process where she can parse out the facts from her feelings from thinking traps from the consequences of all of the above.

For this session my friend shared a story about how the four guys in her office aren't really clean. After kindly asking them to take better care of the restroom, she walks into the bathroom with a big floater awaiting her.

The thoughts she had: "This is disgusting. I'm embarrassed - what if my clients were to find this? WTF? Are we not adults here? Assholes!"

She was enraged. She immediately snapped a shot with her iphone and wrote a very angry letter to the landlord. At that moment her phone died and it didn't get sent. Thankfully.

Upon reflection here's what we learned from the turd encounter:

1. Shit happens regardless, but it's how you react that matters.

2. Share with a friend. Talking this event through with me took it from being something that was totally magnified in her mind to something she could laugh at.

3. Life doesn't happen TO you unless you let it. My friend realized this is not about "why me?" Not everything is about her.

4. Balance your attention. She realized she was diminishing the good stuff, like how much she loved her office, and blowing up the bad stuff.

5. Chill out. It's best to just let at least some time pass for cool-down before reacting to anything that sets you off.

6. Don't mind read. Or like my 4th grade teacher taught: assuming makes an ass-out-of-u-and-me. She was assuming they didn't care. But who knows, maybe the toilet was broken?

7. Avoid overgeneralizing. When my friend met one of her office mates he happened to be eating a Twinkie and downing it with a Slurpie from the gas station. Immediately she generalized that this man doesn't care about anything and IS disgusting. But that was just one snapshot of his life. You can't overgeneralize one behavior to an entire character.

So next time you have a fight or are rubbed the wrong way, do a check-in. Have you examined the fact? Have you analyzed the evidence or jumped to conclusions? Do you need a sec to cool down?

With much love,
Stella


PS Resilience by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte provides plenty of insight and tips on how to keep yourself positive and in the game. Karen is one of my professors and is leading the entire US Army through resilience training.

I know you want it...

So many of you have asked about this program. I'm LOOOOVING it. Go for it!


Dear Authentic Happiness Member:

We are happy to announce that the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania is now accepting applications for the 2010-2011 academic year.

We are looking for the next class to join the more than 190 students who have enrolled in this extraordinary program in the five years since its inception and who are now applying positive psychology in education, medicine, law, business, psychotherapy, counseling, coaching, consulting, and elsewhere. Some of our younger students are now enrolled in Ph.D., J.D., or M.D. programs to further their training before engaging in the practice of positive psychology.

Because MAPP is offered on an executive education model, most of our students continue to work full time during the year and commute to Philadelphia - from across the United States and as far away as Mexico, the UK, Sudan, South Korea, Australia and New Zealand! - for the on-site classes. While many students have already earned other master's degrees or even Ph.D.'s, only a Bachelor's degree is required for admission.

If you hold at least a Bachelor's degree (or will complete one this spring), have an excellent academic record, and are interested in learning about positive psychology and its applications from leading researchers and practitioners in the field, we invite you to find out more about our program. If you think the program may be a good fit for you, we encourage you to submit an application before the deadline of March 1, 2010.

For more information about our program, please visit our website at
http://www.pennpositivepsych.org

In addition to general program information, the website contains a link to a recorded Virtual Information Session that features input from administrators, professors, and students of the MAPP program.
Please feel free to pass this message along to anyone else you know who might be interested in this program.

Whatever you choose to do in this New Year, we hope it will be one of authentic happiness for you and yours.

Sincerely,

Marty Seligman
Director
Positive Psychology Center
University of Pennsylvania

James Pawelski
Director of Education and Senior Scholar
Positive Psychology Center
University of Pennsylvania