Pleasure, A Close Cousin to Negative Emotion

I started another blog post but got hungry. While searching for some research on my post, I found this paragraph below that I wrote in my capstone for grad school. Because I'm craving a yummy breakfast - I'm taking the easy way out of this post opportunity by copying and pasting something else I wrote. Read and you'll see how my hunger/ desire for food is affecting this opportunity for expansion, for giving you something bigger:

"I want to distinguish the difference between positive emotions and bodily pleasures. While they feel good, bodily pleasures do not function like positive emotions. The positive experience of sexual stimulation, a massage, yummy chocolate cake, or a warm blanket on a cold winter day, do not lead the way to flourishing. In fact, bodily pleasures are close cousins to negative emotions by the way they similarly narrow one’s mindset to focus on satisfying a desired action. Unlike negative emotions, rather than moving away from something [like danger], we are drawn to the craved experience (Fredrickson, 2009)."

Pleasure isn't bad, it just doesn't necessarily lead you to being your biggest self, to growing, to expanding - because you can't look up until satisfied. There's a role for pleasure, because damn, it feels good! Just know it has limits on how it can actually serve your intentions.

Quickly signing off for some bruncheroo action.

Best
S

Fredrickson, B. L. (2009). Positivity. New York: Crown Publisher.

Between a Frog & a Pornstar

Okay, so after coming back from Jamaica I started going like 300mph. We have an exciting conference coming up with some amazing women who I'm in love with. PLUS, I'm launching a new biz (more on that soon!).

So while in the middle of my fifth hour of talking, talking, talking with Alisa Vitti (aka Vagina Whisperer and Protector of the Period) over yummy dinner at Market Table last Wednesday I noticed my voice began to sound scratchy in a sexy kind of way.

Quickly my low, sultry, vocals progressed to croaky-ness and then to nada in the next 24. That was my sign to sloooow down. So I did and slept and slept as much I could this past weekend.

Once I got my rest I began to feel lighter and better. And then Sunday night I realized "OhMyGod...the copy on the website hasn't been updated...we're delayed another week...I won't be able to promote...and then..and then...ohmygod."

All that rest I accumulated zipped out the window. My body got tense. I was GRIPPED with stress. I could feel it everything tighten up. The world went crashing down. Suddenly I felt depleted, annoyed, and just wanted to kick some ass. SHIIITTT! I realized. All in a matter of minutes.

I quickly got in touch with this nasty, fear-based, stressed out, state and knew it need immediate adjusting - especially given the delicacy of my vocals. Knowing what I know - I knew that I wasn't in "broaden and build" mode - the upward spiral of positive emotion that leads us to flourishing. So I thought...

"QUICK, STELLA. GET BACK TO NORMAL. WHAT THOUGHT CAN YOU THINK OR THING CAN YOU DO TO INCH YOUR WAY BACK TO POSITIVITY? Your health and your productivity are depending on it!" (Positivity greatly impacts our longevity, immunity, efficiency, and power to make things happen).

This is what I did.

1. I visualized success and let myself feel the excitement and pride of producing a spectacular event helping over 700 women grow and launch their businesses.

2. I took a few deep breaths getting into my body.

3. I focused on the present considering what I could do now and releasing the other stuff that would just have to wait. There is only so much time in a day (especially when it's 12:30am and your internet decides not to work).

4. I looked around and said thanks.. Thanks for my voice coming back slowly. Thanks for my family. Thanks for my business partner. Thanks for the opportunity to serve these amazing women. Etc.

5. I read a non-business book to distract me.Distraction is key. Sometimes we've got to treat ourselves like 5 year olds in a tantrum. Distract yourself away. Where your attention goes is EVERYTHING. If you continue to focus on your concerns they will grow.

THE LESSON: Inch your way back to feeling good. Leaping emotionally doesn't work. Take small steps to feel just a millimeter of relief (even if you feel silly doing it). Pretty soon it will all spiral exponentially and you'll be back in your groove, expanded, positive, and attracting all good things!

Much love,
Stella

She's Baaaaack!

Did you miss me?

I'm back and more bouncy and positive than ever! It's been a while since I wrote - but my excuse is official (if excuses can ever be official). I officially submitted my capstone (which is like a thesis) for my masters program on Sunday night. 50 pageroos, on the power of positivity. Some of my writing will remain top secret, but I'll be sharing most of it with you.

Let me share a few factoids about positivity just to refresh.

1. You're not supposed to be positive 100% of the time. First, because positive emotions actually don't stick around, they are transient. Second of all, that would be unhealthy, even if it were possible. We need negative emotions to inform us when something is wrong.

2. But, if you're interested in flourishing, you should experience at least three positive emotions for every one negative emotion. Just like ice has a tipping point for melting, you have a tipping point for thriving. If you're not thriving, you're languishing. This has been mathematically and scientifically proven.

3. Don't be so all-or-nothing and let yourself spiral into chocolate cake and misery. Just a little dose of positive emotion can deliver QUANTUM effects in your life. If you're more positive, you are open. When you're open, you welcome new encounters, literally see the world differently, more broadly, and you're more creative.

Hope you enjoyed just this little dose...so much more on its way.

Much love,
S

Resource: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Gratitude is the Gateway Emotion to Good Things

After I lost just about everything (money, men, apartment, and job), the only thing that got me back was GRATITUDE.

By experiencing true gratitude for my family, my friends, and the opportunity I had to rebuild and rest, I learned that in all that was lost, I had been found.

I believe, and once I'm done writing my capstone I will publish something official on this, that GRATITUDE is THE GATEWAY emotion to all the good stuff.

By gratitude I mean HEARTFELT "thank YOU." Not the BS thanks we sometimes mindlessly express. I mean the kind where your heart expands and you FEEL it. Here's why GRATITUDE is the shit:


GRATITUDE helps you SAVOR.
It induces you to SAVOR small things you can easily take for granted. Like running water, clean sheets, or your honey who just made you breakfast and wished you a good day.

In the process of SAVORING, gratitude gently, effortlessly, helps you become more MINDFUL, more PRESENT. Only if you are HERE and NOW can you be truly grateful for what is. (This is a relief for people like me who can't meditate regularly).

Being GRATEFUL opens your heart; by experiencing it you are automatically acknowledging all that you are able to RECEIVE and experience. So you are OPEN.

Lastly, true gratitude inspires you to want to give and serve others (Fredrickson, 2009). Not in the tit for tat kinda way, but in a way that is energized to really make a difference.

I have so much more to say about this...but for now this will do. Gratitude is the bombdiggity.

PS Sometimes people think I'm all pie in the sky - like just because I'm me I have an extra canny ability to experience this full-of-wonder-type-of-gratitude...but it's not me.

Anyone can get themselves into Gratitude. It's a process. Here are some ways I do it:

1. If I'm feeling like dump and throwing a pity party or hissy fit, I'll take a mental break from whatever I'm thinking and just list all the things I'm grateful for in my head until I feel better. I'll do this as I walk from the subway to my office or as I take a coffee break. Sometimes it takes a while. Here's how it sounds: "I'm so grateful for my legs that carry me. I'm so grateful for my mind that works. I'm so grateful for safety I feel. I'm so grateful for these cute shoes. I'm so grateful that it's warm outside..." Stay with this for minutes until you TRULY feel and believe just how damn lucky you really are.

2. If I'm about to sleep and feeling icky, I'll write at least three things I'm grateful for and why. The key is to be specific about the things as they relate to the day. So for example, even if a meeting didn't go well, instead of focusing on how it sucked or I suck, I'll say: "I'm grateful that I have a team dedicated to helping me organize our next presentation." Or, "I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to present and learn so I can kick ass next time."

3. If all else fails, just focus on everybody else who has it worse than you. This will zap you into a mindset of acknowledging all the abundance in your life. It may feel like cheating, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

To conclude (again). "If you focus on what you don't have, you'll find you never have enough. If you focus on what you do have, you'll find you always have more."

Thank YOU for reading.

S

Source: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Softy shmofty: Happiness is hardcore!

Let me just set the record straight with just a few good factoids here about happiness:

1. Happier people LIVE longer and healthier lives
In a study with over 2,800 men age 65 and older, those who tested higher on positive emotion were HALF as likely to DIE and HALF as likely to experience disease (hello?!?).

2. Happier people make more money and set bigger goals
In a study with 272 people, happier people received better evaluations from supervisors and higher pay. In another study, both children and adults who were induced into positive moods (by watching happy movies or looking at positive images) selected higher goals, performed better, and persisted longer than those who were not in a good mood.

3. Happier people have more fulfilling relationships
In a study with 222 college students, those who were considered "very happy" spent the least time alone, the most time socializing, and were rated to be in fulfilling relationships by their friends and self.

4. Happier people have better sex
Yes, it's true! There are studies that support this. But damn, I can't remember where I read it...so I'll get back to you on this one if you're interested.

5. Happier people are happy!
This is the funniest thing of all. That I feel compelled to write a blog that DEFENDS HAPPINESS! Sometimes I tell people I study happiness and they look at me like "what? ha." People...WTF. Experiencing happiness is what makes life worth living. Somehow we forget that. We forget that our mission in life should be to make ourselves happy. Some think that pursuing happiness is selfish. Some think it's impractical. Some think it's soft. But it's not. And best of all, when you're happy - you make the world happier. You make others happier.

Here are two of my fave quotes on that:

"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
-- Howard Thurman, Dean of Theology and the chapels at Howard and Boston universities for more than two decades, and in 1944 helped found the first racially integrated, multicultural church in the United States.

"When you find your piece in the puzzle, you enable 10,000 others to find theirs." T Harv Eker


With much love,
Stella


Sources: For more great studies and info, read Martin Seligman's book, Authentic Happiness. He's coming out with an evolved theory on positive psychology - but this book still holds major gems on the science of happiness.

Getting raw, my real deal

It's a ritual. And this is year number five for our Positive Psychology program at UPenn. At the end of the year, we have a Quaker Dinner. This is a dinner where, when the spirit moves you, you get up and share a few words.

These were mine. Reflecting, refracting, and reliving.

I'm incredibly grateful for all the beautiful people in MAPP who helped get me through this year, and those four minutes. A special shout out to my girl, Zuzana Zilkova, who literally held me up on stage.

One of my questions for Positive Psychology was what's the most positive way to suffer? How does one positively lose? So far, what I've discovered, is that you must feel the pain in order to heal. It's inevitably messy and damn uncomfortable - especially for control/achiever freaks like moi. One of the best books I've read on this is Elizabeth Lesser's Broken Open. Elizabeth describes this as the Phoenix Process.

In Elizabeth's book she shares not only her own story, but those of others. She demonstrates the universality of loss. And she goes on to describe while shit happens to ALL of us - we try to hide it from one another, like it's a secret. Quick, get over it, move on, DO. But by hiding the secret of being human - to oneself and to the world, by trying to sweep the pain away, one can miss the most beautiful part of being alive...and that's letting a piece of you die, so that the rest of you can flourish.

After saying my few words, several classmates approached me and thanked me. Wow. For what? I was surprised. But then I realized. This talk was not for me...but maybe for others. Maybe, just maybe, by sharing my secret, I might be helping others live through theirs. And for that chance, I share this magnificently messy moment with you.

Here's to life.
Stella

Blow Men Off No More...My Disco Epiphany to World Peace.

Last night I was celebrating my friend's birthday at an East Village spot. A great Whitney Houston song came on that triggered all females to jump up and dance. (Meanwhile, the men just looked at each other and said, "Who actually likes this song?")

Anyway, I happened to be in the back far away from the dance floor, but I couldn't resist getting down, even if it was all by myself. I was in my groove (yes, Stella got her groove back) when some very cute boy (literally) approached me. The exchange went something like this:

MY INITIAL THOUGHT: Does this boy even shave? Right now I'm not really feeling like being social. But let's see...I'll be curious and give him a minute to see where this goes.

WE CHIT CHAT FOR A MINUTE.

NEXT THOUGHT: He's obviously a nice guy and very brave for coming over. An 'A' for effort. If only you were 10 years older, this could be fun.

I SAY: Well, thank you so much for coming over here and keeping me company on the dance floor. It's very brave and sweet of you. I pat his arm, and give him the signal that we're about done. I sincerely meant what I said and I think he really received that intention. He looked at me appreciatively, gave a little nod, shy smile, and walked away.

I thought that went well and I felt really good about the exchange. It felt nice being nice. I actually felt like I did a good deed. No need to be a biotch if you're not interested.

That then inspired me to reach out to someone who had been pursuing me and who I left hanging via text. I'd been deliberating whether or not it was better to just not respond or to face the situation. Which would be less bruising to the ego? But after last night I decided that leaving someone hanging isn't a reflection of what I want to be about. If I'm about connectedness and the value of every human being - than being too cool for school is not the way.

So I contacted the guy and that exchange went brilliantly. It has now sent me on a kick of reinforcement that being nice is not only nice, but effective. In fact, being honest about my feelings with both guys made me feel closer to them.

I know my experience on the dance floor can't possibly compare to nations at war. But there is a kernel of grander truth that shimmered for me in the dark, dirty downtown spot, at 3am, over Whitney Houston...and that was golden rule. Perhaps the secret to world peace revealed itself to me in a profound way - as I practiced what I was taught since I was little - treat others how you want to be treated. If we all worked up the patience and the guts to share our differences and varied intentions out loud, with respect, and honesty, I think we all might feel more connected, more love, and even a little sexier.

Sincerely,
Stella

P.S. Insulting someone actually activates their fight or flight hormones for 48 hours. Consistent highs in these hormones lead to all sorts of negative things like heart disease. So next time you're considering being mean, know that sticks and stones may break your bones and that words can actually hurt you. Be nice!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Lately I've been acutely sensitive to the fragility, uncertainty, and mystery of it all. Sounds so dramatic and cliche. But I was recently in a bus accident and thankfully it wasn't serious. But woah, how damn lucky I was. And am. That I'm here writing you. That today I took the bus and arrived safely. That my limbs and muscles work. That my brain functions, heart beats, eyes see, and ears hear. The other day we had a pipeline break in my area and we received an automated message to inform us of why the water pressure might be low. Normally, I'd take that for granted. And perhaps even be annoyed - "uhhhh, there goes my shower!" But instead, I thought, "WOW, how nice to know that there is a system in place to communicate such things and to fix them." And then, how about the fact that today I ate food, any time and any where I wanted. I'm lucky that I still have grandparents to call up. I'm lucky I have friends who wish me the best and send me positive vibes upon request. I'm lucky I several pairs of shoes from which to pick for the same occasion. There is so much abundance, and so much to be grateful for. I know not everyone is so lucky...but there's always something for which to say, thank you.

Gratitude is powerful and studies show that expressing and experiencing gratitude leads to improved mood, pro-social and moral behavior.  Not only does it affect the individuals receiving and giving the gratitude, it has a cascading effect that spreads (Emmons, 2003). It's contagious!

So consider this blog a positive infection. I hope you get it!

Why my parents are beautiful.

Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!

Today is my parent’s anniversary (yesterday by the time you read this post). I love them immensely. I want to celebrate them here with words, in a way I’m not always able to do out loud or in the moment.

I spoke to my mom in the morning and then my father around 5pm. I said, “Happy Anniversary! I love you and wish you lots of happiness and good health and ever growing love.” But I say that all the time. What I don’t say is this:

Dad. You are right.
You are right in the way you love.
You are right in the way you quietly go about taking care of us.
Fixing what we break.
Making something from nothing.
Letting us be girls and be happy.
Shop.
Chit. Chat.

You are right about people.
As soon as you say, schmuck, it’s not long until I discover you’re right.
You are right about me.
Thank you for believing in me and seeing the rainbow above my head.

You are right that you chose mama and me.
And you are so courageous for it.
You are right in your heart even if it doesn’t always come out in the way I hear your words.
And that is all that matters.

You are brave.
You are a GOOD man.
You are STRONG human being.
I honor you.
I love you.
I’m grateful for you.

Mom. Sometimes I wonder if you realize just how amazing you are.
Sometimes I wonder whether you realize how meaningful your small gestures of care mean to me.
When you make me kasha when I’m in a rush.
When you stay up late with me, while I post on ebay.
When you remember my schedule better than I do, sometimes.
When you call me when I forget.
When you are strong for us, even when you feel weak.
When you love even through your anger and disappointment.
When you do what you are scared of.
Like swimming, skiing, trying parmesan cheese.
When you look stunning, everyday.
When you just do what needs to be done, with energy, joy, and life.

Mom and Dad. Thank you for all you do DO for us. And thank you for what you do not do for us. What I’m most grateful for from the both of you is the invisible stuff. The space you gave me to lead my life. When you chose not to say, or to question, or to get in the way. I know sometimes you may doubt whether you should have gotten in the way more. But because of your letting me grow, I am everything because of you.

I love you.

Doing a split mid-air for the neighbors

Today was a beautiful day outside. Must have hit 70 degrees for the first time in 2010 in my neck of the woods. I only motivated to go outside by like 4pm. I was busy watching Ghost Busters and other worthy things to keep me from the glory of Spring (read the sarcasm).

I finally went outside for a jog (after mentally beating myself up for not doing anything all day - even though that was my goal - I still couldn't 100% savor it - I'm working on that).

Anihoo, I'm so not a runner/jogger, but I wanted to sweat, move my body, and enjoy the weather. 15 minutes into my jog, recuperating from some cramps, and listening to Beyonce, I suddenly felt inspired to LEAP! You know, like a ballet dancer does, prancing into a split mid-air.

So I did it. In fact, I did it three times. I noticed some looks. There was a guy rubbing his chin as I passed.

Can I just tell you - I got the most amazing rush from my leaps. I felt my mood lift INSTANTANEOUSLY. I noticed I immediately went from dragging energy huffing and puffing to a glorious smile and laughing. I felt silly, zestful, and for a few seconds, I thought I had a handle on what life was all about.

What would life be like if we insisted on doing more split leaps and skipping through out our day?

Much love,
Stella

PS I so did not come close to looking like this girl in the picture.

If my mom can do it, so can we.

Today was a very special day. For the first time in my entire life, I saw my mom swim. My mom is one spunky, brave, strong, fireball. But all her life she's carried an extreme fear of the water. Even putting her face directly into the shower was uncomfortable. For her birthday, my sister and I bought her swimming lessons. Here's what I learned from this experience:

1. Never give up on anyone or let them give up on themselves. It's just a matter of finding the right "in." My mom needed the assurance of a professional teacher, one-on-one. In positive psychology we know that not everything works for everybody - experiment until you find a strategy that works. Change is as much an art as it is a science.

2. Even those we look up to most still need us to say "great job!" My mom couldn't wait to show me how she swam today. It reminded me of when I was little and asked her to "watch me, watch me." My mom's desire to have me there as she swam exposed something beautifully tender to me. My giddy applause and "wow, I'm so impressed, mom, you're doing great," in the middle of Bally's Fitness Club pool was so important to her. While we all "know" how important praise is, sometimes, we, or at least, I, underestimate it, especially when it's going to "up" to someone I admire. I learned that everyone, no matter how amazing they already are, needs to be seen. We all have a duty to one another to rejoice and acknowledge each other's greatness.

3. Giving meaningful gifts feels SO good. I couldn't wait to give my mom this gift. I think this is the best gift I've ever given. Watching my mom in the Bally's gym pool doing something she never thought possible made me want to cry. This was so much better than jewelry and flowers. Studies show that giving can produce a physical high with similar benefits to a runner's high. You literally FEEL good.

4. "Anything is possible if you let it," Mary Poppins. By mastering this feat my mom is excited to see what else she can take on. It's truly contagious. Now no one in my family has an excuse that they "can't" do something.


5. It's never too late for anything! My mom (and my dad) learned how to ski at age 49 and to swim at age 52. And she's still adding to her list. I admire her courage and the fact that she's open for growth and trying new things. This makes me feel so excited about what new things I can learn and conquer with each year.

Thank you, mom. You've inspired me and I love you! Happy Woman's Day!

Much love to you all,
Stella

The Stuff that Makes Me Cry

Living with meaning, meaning, being in service of something bigger than you, actually helps you live longer (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986)!

Here are some fun facts about living a life that matters (Luks, 1988):
Two thirds of people who perform altruistic behaviors report actual physical effects:
50% report a “high” feeling
43% of people who helped reported feeling stronger and more energized
28% felt warm
22% felt calmer and less depressed
21% experienced greater self worth
13% experienced few aches and pains

This has HUGE impact on what we "prescribe" to make ourselves feel better. Instead of seeking support, perhaps we should be GIVING support.

When I see and live meaning in action I just want to cry. Here's a few accounts of what's made me cry recently:


1. GIVING: During Thanksgiving Day weekend I visited my grandparents and did some gentle exercises with them on the carpet. After wards I massaged my grandpas back and his ears. He smiled with such glee it made me want to cry. Later I was telling my classmates in Philly about how meaningful this was to me and I did cry.

2. A few weeks ago I received the BEST gift ever. My friends, Alina and Klim Kavall, bought me the domain www.positivelystella.com and hooked it up so I didn't have to do a thing. They had no idea this was one of those annoying things that I kept pushing off on my to-do list. The unexpected kindness of this gesture made me tear. Seriously, this was better than diamonds.

3. Watching HBO's Documentary on Temple Grandin, the autistic woman who revolutionized slaughterhouses.
This movie made me sob. Watch it. I cried for her courage, her will, her overcoming, and her devotion to leave a meaningful mark on this world.

4. Being a part of one of best friend's wedding showers. Experiencing the product of the magnificent effort her mom and maid of honor invested and watching it all come to fruition.

5. Feeling grateful for just how freaking fortunate I am to have such an amazing family, group of friends, job, roof over my head, food in my fridge, coat on my back, toothpaste, a beautiful body that works, heat, a computer, safety, and I can go on. (This isn't really about meaning, more about feeling gratitude acutely...but still makes the crying list.)

To finish off...

"If you pay attention to all that you have, you'll always find more. If you pay attention to what you don't have, you'll always find you don't have enough" (Unknown).


With my love,
Stella


References
Hendrick, C. & Hendrick, S. (1986). A theory and method of love. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 50, 392-402.

Luks, A (1988, October). Helper’s high: Volunteering makes people feel good, physically and emotionally. and like “runner’s calm,” it’s probably good for your health. Psychology Today, 22(10), 34-42.

A drunken confession

Dear Audience:

I must admit this is written on a few glasses of wine and not so much food. It's been about a week since I've last written.

I've intentionally not written because I felt a lack of inspiration. And here's why and what I've learned about "lack of." (just in case you ever feel the same vacuum).

1. There is always abundance at hand. It's really just about the perspective you have. I've let myself get so caught up in to-do's that I've lost the sense of "anything is possible" that I so pride myself in. There is always a way out. There is always a way in. There is always a refreshing solution. It might not be easy to decide - but the light is there. So freakin bask in it. It's up to you. Sonia Satra, a brilliant coach, has a great "perspectives" exercise to help one step out of the stuck-i-ness.


2. Thinking is bad. Maybe it's because I'm a Gemini or a Vata-Pita(ayervedic dosha), I'm a very analytic heady person. But I know that the head, our cognitive functioning, isn't always aligned with the heart. Or the body. It's so easy to rationalize anything. But what is your heart telling you? (This isn't very scientific (yet), just human).

3. Enjoy. Enjoy. Enjoy. What brings you dance?
While coaching me, Sonia paid deep attention to my body language. She noticed when I think, I cross my arms. When I'm in the zone, I have a rhythm with my body and circle my hands. When I'm in my head, I fidget with my jewelry. When I get defensive, I go to the hips. As highly smart and in-tune I think I am...I know enough that I don't know. And sometimes my body knows best. And sometimes you need someone else to look and share what the hell is really going on. Sonia asked me to dig deep and consider what I could do to get me into my rhythmic zone. In positive psychology speak this would be considered a positive intervention (don't you just love gulping your own medicine?).

So for this week...as silly and small as they are... I'm committing to doing a few things that I know will snap me back to the creative, vivacious, energetic person I know I am. Here's my homework:

1. Wearing some really cute clothes.
2. Dancing (even if that means by myself and looking like a fool).
3. Spending time with one of my best friends who reminds me of my best self.

What are the small things that get YOU back to YOU?

With much love and vino,
Stella


PS This picture was taken when I was in Israel. I was just lifted up on the shoulders of very tall men to touch a sacred spot about 10 feet up on a wall. The superstition goes that if you touch this spot and make a wish, your wishes will come true. I love this picture because I am wide open and inspired.

BREAK-UP, BREAK-DOWN, BREAK-THROUGH: honoring the ugly to get to beautiful, again.

2009 was a very tough, personal year for me. One of the best and the worst yet. I broke off a long term relationship, started another one, got engaged, planned a wedding in two months, cancelled the wedding, moved three times, started a full-time masters program, and continued to run and grow two businesses.

I remember post break-up(s) how frustrated I would get for the sudden forgetfulness and clumsiness that took over the person I formally was. I’d walk into rooms forgetting why. I’d make appointments and not be able to keep them. I felt tired and demotivated. And while I showed up the next day(s) post break-up for work, ready to go, I wasn’t really ready at all. I kept wondering to myself, why am I not on top of my game?

DUH, STELLA!

In trying to keep it all together, I almost got away with IT. I almost got away from the big lesson. I almost got away from the pain.

Here are five insights/points/tips I picked up on why and how to honor the ugly. Honor it so you can break-through and grow beyond the breakdown.

1. There’s a difference between experiencing negative emotion and just festering. Don’t fester. Feel the darkness but look towards the light and always move towards it. They say “acknowledge” your negative feelings - which is hard. What exactly does “acknowledge” mean? That’s part of the journey, figuring that out.

2. Negative emotion narrows your breath as much as your thinking. You’re literally less creative and able to see the big picture. You’re very focused. Read Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson, there’s research that proves this.

3. Because you’re focused, you are more likely to better analyze a problem or something that doesn’t feel right. You make certain types of decisions, better. Like leaving a relationship that you shouldn’t be in. It’s hard to leave something if everything feels dandy.

4. So therefore, negative emotion is good for you - at least in small doses. When you experience a big loss, obviously you’ll experience more of it. However, on a regular day, you want to experience THREE positive emotions to every ONE negative. Read Barbara Fredrickson's book, Positivity, for research on why this magic ratio works...I’ll provide another post to talk more about this later. Want to know your ratio of positive to negative emotion? Take the PANAS test here.

5. If you don’t address deep negative experiences, your body will address them for you. Let yourself feel, experience, “acknowledge,” so you CAN move on.

For some of you, this blog may seem out of sorts for “Positively Stella!” But it’s not healthy or smart to pretend that shit doesn't go down. Life is beautiful, but it can get messy.

In Diener and Biswas-Diener’s book: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, they discuss that being too happy and too optimistic can actually be bad for you. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being extremely optimistic, people who are very optimistic at a 7 or 8 are FAB. But people who are at a 9 or 10, might be too peachy keen. Take the optimism test on www.authentichappiness.org.

So why is being too positive bad?
1. If you have a health condition and just hope for the best and that everything will be fine, you might ignore signs and symptoms that need attention.
2. If you’re so deliciously satisfied with yourself and life, than you might lack the drive to take things to the next level at work. You might not challenge yourself to grow.
3. If you’re SOOOO positive that you’re almost manic, you run the risk of being insensitive, flaky, and other fun stuff.

Here's to honoring the processes that make life worth living.

With much love in both the light and the dark,
Stella

Damsel DEstressed

Coming back from an intensely activating weekend at UPenn I couldn't wait to get home to do and think NOTHING! As I arrived in the New Brunswick train station, I decided to go for something I never, ever do. Take the train station elevator.

I was tired, I had big luggage, and the door was wide open. I figured, why not?!?

Following me was a cheerful young woman in a wheelchair. Together we scooted into the welcoming elevator and pressed "Ground Level." Whoops, nothing happened. We pressed again, and again. Nothing. We pressed the alarm. We pressed everything. We laughed.

Oh shit we were stuck in an elevator.

With my mighty 5 foot frame I tried to push the door open to no avail. I called the cops who told us to stay put. OK.

Aside from the smell of urine which we adapted to in about five minutes, the experience was positive and inspiring. It was a delight to be stuck with Eloise, a lovely medical student. We trusted we would be just fine.

Here's what I learned:
1. If there's nothing you can do about something, just laugh.
2. Even if it smells like pee, you can find something delightful in a situation.
3. I'm so grateful to live in a country where we have organized systems in place to protect. Thank GOD for the brave (and cute) firefighters who came to our rescue in about 10 minutes.
4. Everything will be OK.
5. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm taking the stairs next time.

So here's to destressing even when you're literally stuck.

Much love,
Stella

Hugging David Cooperrider

"I just want to hug you! You've made me cry three during your lecture. Your energy opens us up. It comes from your authentic love and centered self. Thank you." This is what I said to David Cooperrider, the Founder of Appreciative Inquiry. From the United Nations, to the Dalai Lama, to the world's top CEOs, to individual nations, to cities, to hospitals, to universities, to families, David has been driving a new way of change, a new language, a new future. This man is as incredibly humble as he is brilliant. David is not a dramatic, suspenseful, orator. He's a cheery, even keeled, soft-spoken, accessible, and kind man. As I hung onto David's every word I was surprised by my level of engagement relative to his calm presentation style. He wears simple clothes, a delightful smile, and I couldn't sense of stitch of ego in this 21st century game changer. I've never been the affectionate type, especially with people I don't know. But as our class intervened David's lecture to give him a dose of his own appreciative medicine, I felt compelled to get up in the middle of his lecture and give him a big hug. He gave me a big hug back.

David has given the world a tremendous gift. And by give - I mean GIVE. Appreciative Inquiry is not a trademarked or copyrighted process- it can be used by any professional or organization as an approach to creating positive transformation.

I have to get up early for an 8am Sunday lecture...so here are some of the highlights from David's talk today to our MAPP class (Masters of Applied Positive Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania) that I want to share with you:

1. All change begins in the imagination. It literally does.

2. It's not about top-down or bottom-up, it's about the WHOLE. Get everyone involved in change.

3. “The task of leadership is to create an alignment of strengths..making a system's weaknesses irrevelant.” -PETER DRUCKER, one of the most prolific writers on management.

4. Organizations aren't problems that need solving. Their rich full of solutions. Let's release the our deficit/problem-centered model of change.

5. "AN ESTIMATED $300 BILLION IS LOST IN THE US ECONOMY DUE TO DISENGAGED EMPLOYEES." Woah. I don't have the source...but I believe David.

6. It's not the past, nor the present, but rather anticipation of the future that drives human beings. The power of change happens in the images, inner dialoge, and metaphors within us and organizations.

7. The questions we ask set the stage for what we find. The questions we ask create our reality.

8. Consider your ROA. Your return on attention. Companies spend millions figuring out what's WRONG. Rather, investigate what's right, what you want to grow.

9. Why has AI taken off.
-Exceptionality: We are all exceptions to the rule - no one is born the same. AI seeks to highlight the exceptions.
-Essentiality: It's not about being the central focus that we crave as human beings, but rather it's the need to feel essential in a group. AI enables people gives notice to the essential and meaningful contributions of everyone in the WHOLE.
-Equality of voice: We have a right - responsibility - to honor the full voice of any organization or system. Only by assembling the whole can we create monumental, lasting, and fast change.

10. This is all new. We still haven't nailed the language to this process and this new way of being and calling for change. The limits of language limit our world. So together we must seek to create a new common vocabulary, so we can live within a new context of possibility and imagination.

Much love and good night.
S

People Matter

One of the key pillars to flourishing is relationships. Below is a paper I wrote on November 29th, 2009 about where happiness resides. Relationships matter. If you happen to be watching the PBS special tonight - you'll see it covers some of the research I reference below.

Where does happiness reside: in the individual, dyads, or in groups?

I say all three. Haidt (2006) would agree, as he claims that happiness happens in the “in-between.” It happens in between the self and one’s work, in between the self and a loved one, in between the self and something larger than the self, a group. However, while happiness occurs in all three instances; happiness cannot occur solely within the individual alone. If the only connection one has is work, and not in between other people or groups, than most likely, that person is not happy. Unless that person has a very structured way of dealing with their time and the environment, loneliness lacks the external stimulation, feedback and goals we need to keep our attention from wandering down the negative spiral. Usually, even when we want to be alone, as soon as we are, we end up wanting to be around others again (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). In the below I will discuss happiness in each instance and also highlight findings that supports each occasion.

Happiness happens at the individual level in several ways, but I’ll just focus on one: flow. Flow can occur in a non-work environment, but let’s just assume it’s work for this paper. Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow describes when an individual is in total immersion, “in the zone.” While in this state, the individual is challenged, but has the skills to meet his challenge. Time stands still and attention is laser focused on the task at hand. The experience of flow keeps one wanting to come back for more. It feels good. You’d do it even if you didn’t have to. Doing it is an ends in itself. Your deep focus enables you to forgot about all of life’s other worries. You are in total control. You’re neither bored or anxious. You feel like you’re discovering. It can happen to a dancer, a child spinning into virtugo, a yogi, and a surgeon on the operating table.

Happiness between two individuals is driven by two main principles: attachment, that bonds child to mother, and caregiving, that bonds mother to child (Haidt, 2006). A study on rhesus monkey reveals that “contact comfort,” the feeling of a mother, is critical for development. Researchers found that monkeys would cuddle with a cloth in the absence of a mother; they would do this despite the cloth, not being a source of milk. Attachment enables a feelings of both safety and exploration; two needs that continue into adulthood and into our romantic relationships. Feeling a loved one’s embrace, knowing they are in the room, that they are there to support us, gives us security and courage to explore the world. Furthermore, being in a deeply connected relationship offers an opportunity for giving, which is as beneficial, if not more, to receiving. It’s proven that happy individuals are likely to live longer and that they have better immune systems, recover faster from surgery, and all other benefits.

Finally, happiness exists between the individual and others, a group. We can define a group as narrow as one’s spouse and children to connectedness with people we don’t even know. To support this, we consider Haidt’s ultrasocial concept, and studies of the brain. Robin Dunbar has demonstrated that our brain size is in almost in perfect proportion to our social group size. And our brains are huge compared to other mammals. They are only 2% of our body weight, yet they consume 20% of our energy, and they’re so big they cause us to be born pre-maturely (compared with other mammals) so we can at least make it out of the womb. Why do we have such huge brains, so we can manage the social landscape of our human world. This social landscape is indeed critical to our well-being. In fact, if you look at suicide rates, single individuals have the highest rate, married people, less so, and those with children, the least. Connection between individual and group is super special because meaning is created. The stepping out of oneself into something larger than “me” is most transformative and even transcendental for some. Literally, the human brain has two switches that turn-off when one is engaged in a a mystical experience or a ritual experience with others. These switches turn off one’s spatial boundaries and spatial location; so literally, a feeling of oneness with all the world and all the people occurs. This can be triggered in something as simple as repetitive drilling in the army. I shall end on a quote by William McNeill, describing how marching induced a state of altered consciousness and ultimate connectedness with his fellow soldiers:

"Words are inadequate to describe the emotion aroused by the prolonged movement in unison that drilling involved. A sense of pervasive well-being is what I recall; more specifically, a strange sense of personal enlargement; a sort of swilling out, becoming bigger than life." (Haidt, 2006).


References

Haidt, J. (2006). The happiness hypothesis: finding modern truth in ancient wisdom.
New York: Basic Books. 
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York:
Harper Perennial.

PBS Special: This Emotional Life

Dear All,

My friend Lisa Kalikow helped produce this PBS Special. Looks fantastic!

On the eve of a new year, as millions of Americans search for more meaning in their lives, Vulcan Productions and NOVA/WGBH have teamed with Harvard psychologist and best-selling author of Stumbling on Happiness, Professor Daniel Gilbert, to produce This Emotional Life.

This Emotional Life unfolds across three, two-hour episodes. The programs explore the nature of the social relationships that are the key to human happiness (Family, Friends & Lovers); the obstacles to happiness—negative emotions – which we can’t live with and can’t live without (Facing Our Fears); and the sometimes misguided pursuit of happiness itself (Rethinking Happiness). The shows were produced by Kunhardt McGee Productions. Each episode weaves together compelling personal stories of ordinary people and the latest research in psychology, along with revealing comments from celebrities such as Chevy Chase, Larry David, Elizabeth Gilbert, Alanis Morissette, Katie Couric and Richard Gere.

The series premieres on PBS, January 4-6, 2010 at 9:00 p.m.
http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/

Positive Psychology in a Box