Blow Men Off No More...My Disco Epiphany to World Peace.

Last night I was celebrating my friend's birthday at an East Village spot. A great Whitney Houston song came on that triggered all females to jump up and dance. (Meanwhile, the men just looked at each other and said, "Who actually likes this song?")

Anyway, I happened to be in the back far away from the dance floor, but I couldn't resist getting down, even if it was all by myself. I was in my groove (yes, Stella got her groove back) when some very cute boy (literally) approached me. The exchange went something like this:

MY INITIAL THOUGHT: Does this boy even shave? Right now I'm not really feeling like being social. But let's see...I'll be curious and give him a minute to see where this goes.

WE CHIT CHAT FOR A MINUTE.

NEXT THOUGHT: He's obviously a nice guy and very brave for coming over. An 'A' for effort. If only you were 10 years older, this could be fun.

I SAY: Well, thank you so much for coming over here and keeping me company on the dance floor. It's very brave and sweet of you. I pat his arm, and give him the signal that we're about done. I sincerely meant what I said and I think he really received that intention. He looked at me appreciatively, gave a little nod, shy smile, and walked away.

I thought that went well and I felt really good about the exchange. It felt nice being nice. I actually felt like I did a good deed. No need to be a biotch if you're not interested.

That then inspired me to reach out to someone who had been pursuing me and who I left hanging via text. I'd been deliberating whether or not it was better to just not respond or to face the situation. Which would be less bruising to the ego? But after last night I decided that leaving someone hanging isn't a reflection of what I want to be about. If I'm about connectedness and the value of every human being - than being too cool for school is not the way.

So I contacted the guy and that exchange went brilliantly. It has now sent me on a kick of reinforcement that being nice is not only nice, but effective. In fact, being honest about my feelings with both guys made me feel closer to them.

I know my experience on the dance floor can't possibly compare to nations at war. But there is a kernel of grander truth that shimmered for me in the dark, dirty downtown spot, at 3am, over Whitney Houston...and that was golden rule. Perhaps the secret to world peace revealed itself to me in a profound way - as I practiced what I was taught since I was little - treat others how you want to be treated. If we all worked up the patience and the guts to share our differences and varied intentions out loud, with respect, and honesty, I think we all might feel more connected, more love, and even a little sexier.

Sincerely,
Stella

P.S. Insulting someone actually activates their fight or flight hormones for 48 hours. Consistent highs in these hormones lead to all sorts of negative things like heart disease. So next time you're considering being mean, know that sticks and stones may break your bones and that words can actually hurt you. Be nice!

BREAK-UP, BREAK-DOWN, BREAK-THROUGH: honoring the ugly to get to beautiful, again.

2009 was a very tough, personal year for me. One of the best and the worst yet. I broke off a long term relationship, started another one, got engaged, planned a wedding in two months, cancelled the wedding, moved three times, started a full-time masters program, and continued to run and grow two businesses.

I remember post break-up(s) how frustrated I would get for the sudden forgetfulness and clumsiness that took over the person I formally was. I’d walk into rooms forgetting why. I’d make appointments and not be able to keep them. I felt tired and demotivated. And while I showed up the next day(s) post break-up for work, ready to go, I wasn’t really ready at all. I kept wondering to myself, why am I not on top of my game?

DUH, STELLA!

In trying to keep it all together, I almost got away with IT. I almost got away from the big lesson. I almost got away from the pain.

Here are five insights/points/tips I picked up on why and how to honor the ugly. Honor it so you can break-through and grow beyond the breakdown.

1. There’s a difference between experiencing negative emotion and just festering. Don’t fester. Feel the darkness but look towards the light and always move towards it. They say “acknowledge” your negative feelings - which is hard. What exactly does “acknowledge” mean? That’s part of the journey, figuring that out.

2. Negative emotion narrows your breath as much as your thinking. You’re literally less creative and able to see the big picture. You’re very focused. Read Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson, there’s research that proves this.

3. Because you’re focused, you are more likely to better analyze a problem or something that doesn’t feel right. You make certain types of decisions, better. Like leaving a relationship that you shouldn’t be in. It’s hard to leave something if everything feels dandy.

4. So therefore, negative emotion is good for you - at least in small doses. When you experience a big loss, obviously you’ll experience more of it. However, on a regular day, you want to experience THREE positive emotions to every ONE negative. Read Barbara Fredrickson's book, Positivity, for research on why this magic ratio works...I’ll provide another post to talk more about this later. Want to know your ratio of positive to negative emotion? Take the PANAS test here.

5. If you don’t address deep negative experiences, your body will address them for you. Let yourself feel, experience, “acknowledge,” so you CAN move on.

For some of you, this blog may seem out of sorts for “Positively Stella!” But it’s not healthy or smart to pretend that shit doesn't go down. Life is beautiful, but it can get messy.

In Diener and Biswas-Diener’s book: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, they discuss that being too happy and too optimistic can actually be bad for you. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being extremely optimistic, people who are very optimistic at a 7 or 8 are FAB. But people who are at a 9 or 10, might be too peachy keen. Take the optimism test on www.authentichappiness.org.

So why is being too positive bad?
1. If you have a health condition and just hope for the best and that everything will be fine, you might ignore signs and symptoms that need attention.
2. If you’re so deliciously satisfied with yourself and life, than you might lack the drive to take things to the next level at work. You might not challenge yourself to grow.
3. If you’re SOOOO positive that you’re almost manic, you run the risk of being insensitive, flaky, and other fun stuff.

Here's to honoring the processes that make life worth living.

With much love in both the light and the dark,
Stella

People Matter

One of the key pillars to flourishing is relationships. Below is a paper I wrote on November 29th, 2009 about where happiness resides. Relationships matter. If you happen to be watching the PBS special tonight - you'll see it covers some of the research I reference below.

Where does happiness reside: in the individual, dyads, or in groups?

I say all three. Haidt (2006) would agree, as he claims that happiness happens in the “in-between.” It happens in between the self and one’s work, in between the self and a loved one, in between the self and something larger than the self, a group. However, while happiness occurs in all three instances; happiness cannot occur solely within the individual alone. If the only connection one has is work, and not in between other people or groups, than most likely, that person is not happy. Unless that person has a very structured way of dealing with their time and the environment, loneliness lacks the external stimulation, feedback and goals we need to keep our attention from wandering down the negative spiral. Usually, even when we want to be alone, as soon as we are, we end up wanting to be around others again (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). In the below I will discuss happiness in each instance and also highlight findings that supports each occasion.

Happiness happens at the individual level in several ways, but I’ll just focus on one: flow. Flow can occur in a non-work environment, but let’s just assume it’s work for this paper. Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi’s concept of flow describes when an individual is in total immersion, “in the zone.” While in this state, the individual is challenged, but has the skills to meet his challenge. Time stands still and attention is laser focused on the task at hand. The experience of flow keeps one wanting to come back for more. It feels good. You’d do it even if you didn’t have to. Doing it is an ends in itself. Your deep focus enables you to forgot about all of life’s other worries. You are in total control. You’re neither bored or anxious. You feel like you’re discovering. It can happen to a dancer, a child spinning into virtugo, a yogi, and a surgeon on the operating table.

Happiness between two individuals is driven by two main principles: attachment, that bonds child to mother, and caregiving, that bonds mother to child (Haidt, 2006). A study on rhesus monkey reveals that “contact comfort,” the feeling of a mother, is critical for development. Researchers found that monkeys would cuddle with a cloth in the absence of a mother; they would do this despite the cloth, not being a source of milk. Attachment enables a feelings of both safety and exploration; two needs that continue into adulthood and into our romantic relationships. Feeling a loved one’s embrace, knowing they are in the room, that they are there to support us, gives us security and courage to explore the world. Furthermore, being in a deeply connected relationship offers an opportunity for giving, which is as beneficial, if not more, to receiving. It’s proven that happy individuals are likely to live longer and that they have better immune systems, recover faster from surgery, and all other benefits.

Finally, happiness exists between the individual and others, a group. We can define a group as narrow as one’s spouse and children to connectedness with people we don’t even know. To support this, we consider Haidt’s ultrasocial concept, and studies of the brain. Robin Dunbar has demonstrated that our brain size is in almost in perfect proportion to our social group size. And our brains are huge compared to other mammals. They are only 2% of our body weight, yet they consume 20% of our energy, and they’re so big they cause us to be born pre-maturely (compared with other mammals) so we can at least make it out of the womb. Why do we have such huge brains, so we can manage the social landscape of our human world. This social landscape is indeed critical to our well-being. In fact, if you look at suicide rates, single individuals have the highest rate, married people, less so, and those with children, the least. Connection between individual and group is super special because meaning is created. The stepping out of oneself into something larger than “me” is most transformative and even transcendental for some. Literally, the human brain has two switches that turn-off when one is engaged in a a mystical experience or a ritual experience with others. These switches turn off one’s spatial boundaries and spatial location; so literally, a feeling of oneness with all the world and all the people occurs. This can be triggered in something as simple as repetitive drilling in the army. I shall end on a quote by William McNeill, describing how marching induced a state of altered consciousness and ultimate connectedness with his fellow soldiers:

"Words are inadequate to describe the emotion aroused by the prolonged movement in unison that drilling involved. A sense of pervasive well-being is what I recall; more specifically, a strange sense of personal enlargement; a sort of swilling out, becoming bigger than life." (Haidt, 2006).


References

Haidt, J. (2006). The happiness hypothesis: finding modern truth in ancient wisdom.
New York: Basic Books. 
Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York:
Harper Perennial.