BREAK-UP, BREAK-DOWN, BREAK-THROUGH: honoring the ugly to get to beautiful, again.

2009 was a very tough, personal year for me. One of the best and the worst yet. I broke off a long term relationship, started another one, got engaged, planned a wedding in two months, cancelled the wedding, moved three times, started a full-time masters program, and continued to run and grow two businesses.

I remember post break-up(s) how frustrated I would get for the sudden forgetfulness and clumsiness that took over the person I formally was. I’d walk into rooms forgetting why. I’d make appointments and not be able to keep them. I felt tired and demotivated. And while I showed up the next day(s) post break-up for work, ready to go, I wasn’t really ready at all. I kept wondering to myself, why am I not on top of my game?

DUH, STELLA!

In trying to keep it all together, I almost got away with IT. I almost got away from the big lesson. I almost got away from the pain.

Here are five insights/points/tips I picked up on why and how to honor the ugly. Honor it so you can break-through and grow beyond the breakdown.

1. There’s a difference between experiencing negative emotion and just festering. Don’t fester. Feel the darkness but look towards the light and always move towards it. They say “acknowledge” your negative feelings - which is hard. What exactly does “acknowledge” mean? That’s part of the journey, figuring that out.

2. Negative emotion narrows your breath as much as your thinking. You’re literally less creative and able to see the big picture. You’re very focused. Read Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson, there’s research that proves this.

3. Because you’re focused, you are more likely to better analyze a problem or something that doesn’t feel right. You make certain types of decisions, better. Like leaving a relationship that you shouldn’t be in. It’s hard to leave something if everything feels dandy.

4. So therefore, negative emotion is good for you - at least in small doses. When you experience a big loss, obviously you’ll experience more of it. However, on a regular day, you want to experience THREE positive emotions to every ONE negative. Read Barbara Fredrickson's book, Positivity, for research on why this magic ratio works...I’ll provide another post to talk more about this later. Want to know your ratio of positive to negative emotion? Take the PANAS test here.

5. If you don’t address deep negative experiences, your body will address them for you. Let yourself feel, experience, “acknowledge,” so you CAN move on.

For some of you, this blog may seem out of sorts for “Positively Stella!” But it’s not healthy or smart to pretend that shit doesn't go down. Life is beautiful, but it can get messy.

In Diener and Biswas-Diener’s book: Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth, they discuss that being too happy and too optimistic can actually be bad for you. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being extremely optimistic, people who are very optimistic at a 7 or 8 are FAB. But people who are at a 9 or 10, might be too peachy keen. Take the optimism test on www.authentichappiness.org.

So why is being too positive bad?
1. If you have a health condition and just hope for the best and that everything will be fine, you might ignore signs and symptoms that need attention.
2. If you’re so deliciously satisfied with yourself and life, than you might lack the drive to take things to the next level at work. You might not challenge yourself to grow.
3. If you’re SOOOO positive that you’re almost manic, you run the risk of being insensitive, flaky, and other fun stuff.

Here's to honoring the processes that make life worth living.

With much love in both the light and the dark,
Stella

Hugging David Cooperrider

"I just want to hug you! You've made me cry three during your lecture. Your energy opens us up. It comes from your authentic love and centered self. Thank you." This is what I said to David Cooperrider, the Founder of Appreciative Inquiry. From the United Nations, to the Dalai Lama, to the world's top CEOs, to individual nations, to cities, to hospitals, to universities, to families, David has been driving a new way of change, a new language, a new future. This man is as incredibly humble as he is brilliant. David is not a dramatic, suspenseful, orator. He's a cheery, even keeled, soft-spoken, accessible, and kind man. As I hung onto David's every word I was surprised by my level of engagement relative to his calm presentation style. He wears simple clothes, a delightful smile, and I couldn't sense of stitch of ego in this 21st century game changer. I've never been the affectionate type, especially with people I don't know. But as our class intervened David's lecture to give him a dose of his own appreciative medicine, I felt compelled to get up in the middle of his lecture and give him a big hug. He gave me a big hug back.

David has given the world a tremendous gift. And by give - I mean GIVE. Appreciative Inquiry is not a trademarked or copyrighted process- it can be used by any professional or organization as an approach to creating positive transformation.

I have to get up early for an 8am Sunday lecture...so here are some of the highlights from David's talk today to our MAPP class (Masters of Applied Positive Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania) that I want to share with you:

1. All change begins in the imagination. It literally does.

2. It's not about top-down or bottom-up, it's about the WHOLE. Get everyone involved in change.

3. “The task of leadership is to create an alignment of strengths..making a system's weaknesses irrevelant.” -PETER DRUCKER, one of the most prolific writers on management.

4. Organizations aren't problems that need solving. Their rich full of solutions. Let's release the our deficit/problem-centered model of change.

5. "AN ESTIMATED $300 BILLION IS LOST IN THE US ECONOMY DUE TO DISENGAGED EMPLOYEES." Woah. I don't have the source...but I believe David.

6. It's not the past, nor the present, but rather anticipation of the future that drives human beings. The power of change happens in the images, inner dialoge, and metaphors within us and organizations.

7. The questions we ask set the stage for what we find. The questions we ask create our reality.

8. Consider your ROA. Your return on attention. Companies spend millions figuring out what's WRONG. Rather, investigate what's right, what you want to grow.

9. Why has AI taken off.
-Exceptionality: We are all exceptions to the rule - no one is born the same. AI seeks to highlight the exceptions.
-Essentiality: It's not about being the central focus that we crave as human beings, but rather it's the need to feel essential in a group. AI enables people gives notice to the essential and meaningful contributions of everyone in the WHOLE.
-Equality of voice: We have a right - responsibility - to honor the full voice of any organization or system. Only by assembling the whole can we create monumental, lasting, and fast change.

10. This is all new. We still haven't nailed the language to this process and this new way of being and calling for change. The limits of language limit our world. So together we must seek to create a new common vocabulary, so we can live within a new context of possibility and imagination.

Much love and good night.
S