I was about to go to sleep. And decided to check in to my blog to see how long it's been. Damn it's been 10 days! I've gone back and forth with commitments about this blog. "I'll wake up every morning at 7am and write something." "I'll focus these blog posts so they're more strategic and delivering against my objective of..." "I'll figure out the objective of this blog."
While my intentions are great... my attention is limited.
Not just mine, but everyone's! Our attention is FINITE! The possibilities are infinite. You get to choose where you put your attention to create whatever you want.
So I accept that in the creation of my desired reality...sometimes, some other things just don't get the love. Sorry positivelystella...it's been 10 days!
Thank you for reading, for supporting, and being patient as what I really want for this blog continues to inch closer to its actualization... in tandem with my own.
Much love,
S
Monday, January 24, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
For Penis People, Too
In the book, The Heroine's Journey, Maureen Murdoch describes women's process to rediscovering and owning their Feminine. I'm not talking wearing mascara here, I'm talking being hard-core in touch with what makes females different from those with a penis.
The book is a bit much for me at times, but usually when that happens, I know there's some wisdom. One of the biggest take-away's I got from this book was language to describe the intangible process of growth - and the uncertainty, discomfort, and all-that-jazz that comes with it.
Sometimes, the most profound or liberating experience is not the experience itself, but discovering the words to that experience. This means what our subconscious knows, pops to the forefront into our conscious in a rational way, in a code we can understand. It's "AHA! That's what was going on." Having language for something not only helps one integrate one's own stuff, but it also makes it easier for us to empathize with others, relate, and help them unlock the truth of their journey as well.
The language that clicked for me when reading Murdoch's books is: Hold the tension.
Hold the tension means you are courageously standing in a state of in-between. You are on your way towards something new and better but meanwhile, may be in the dark, shivering, chilled to the bone.
Hold the tension means you trust that beyond the point where you can see, there is growth and greatness.
Hold the tension means that you don't just "get over it" or "ignore" your current reality, you let it massage you until a new you is released.
Hold the tension is not passive in the least - it's active acceptance of the NOW.
Hold the tension is that annoying state that people often describe as "you gotta be uncomfortable to grow."
Holding the tension is also about patience and healing without judging. Right now I have a cold. I can't sleep. Sure, it sucks. Sure, I'm doing what I can, but I'm also relinquishing to my body to do what it's got to do. I'm not judging or bitching (fine, maybe just a few grumbles to myself)
While holding the tension can feel a bit tortuous, it's for your long term good. It's like the discomfort of doing a detox cleanse, or navigating the terrain of a budding relationship, or not eating that chocolate cake despite every cell in your body saying "I want you."
Therefore, Hold the tension applies to transformational growth in addition to the mundane.
Hold the tension is a brave surrender to "everything will be okay." Even though right now things feel uncertain, uncomfortable, painful, or whatever.
Here's the final kicker - whether you want to do it or not, holding the tension is something you can't avoid. Sure you might be in denial, avoiding, regressing to old patterns or whatever for now - but whether you want to or not - experiences will most likely continue to surface demanding this state from you, demanding you to be a better you.
Here's to all you courageous people!
Best
S
The book is a bit much for me at times, but usually when that happens, I know there's some wisdom. One of the biggest take-away's I got from this book was language to describe the intangible process of growth - and the uncertainty, discomfort, and all-that-jazz that comes with it.
Sometimes, the most profound or liberating experience is not the experience itself, but discovering the words to that experience. This means what our subconscious knows, pops to the forefront into our conscious in a rational way, in a code we can understand. It's "AHA! That's what was going on." Having language for something not only helps one integrate one's own stuff, but it also makes it easier for us to empathize with others, relate, and help them unlock the truth of their journey as well.
The language that clicked for me when reading Murdoch's books is: Hold the tension.
Hold the tension means you are courageously standing in a state of in-between. You are on your way towards something new and better but meanwhile, may be in the dark, shivering, chilled to the bone.
Hold the tension means you trust that beyond the point where you can see, there is growth and greatness.
Hold the tension means that you don't just "get over it" or "ignore" your current reality, you let it massage you until a new you is released.
Hold the tension is not passive in the least - it's active acceptance of the NOW.
Hold the tension is that annoying state that people often describe as "you gotta be uncomfortable to grow."
Holding the tension is also about patience and healing without judging. Right now I have a cold. I can't sleep. Sure, it sucks. Sure, I'm doing what I can, but I'm also relinquishing to my body to do what it's got to do. I'm not judging or bitching (fine, maybe just a few grumbles to myself)
While holding the tension can feel a bit tortuous, it's for your long term good. It's like the discomfort of doing a detox cleanse, or navigating the terrain of a budding relationship, or not eating that chocolate cake despite every cell in your body saying "I want you."
Therefore, Hold the tension applies to transformational growth in addition to the mundane.
Hold the tension is a brave surrender to "everything will be okay." Even though right now things feel uncertain, uncomfortable, painful, or whatever.
Here's the final kicker - whether you want to do it or not, holding the tension is something you can't avoid. Sure you might be in denial, avoiding, regressing to old patterns or whatever for now - but whether you want to or not - experiences will most likely continue to surface demanding this state from you, demanding you to be a better you.
Here's to all you courageous people!
Best
S
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
You Freak, You
My favorite quote in the world is: "If you find your piece in the puzzle, you enable 10,000 others to find theirs."
This quote says several things to me.
1. You are unique.
2. You have a unique role.
3. Your playing your unique role enables others to play theirs.
4. We need you. You need us. We need each other.
5. You bes' be clear that you're special and that specialness is a responsibility.
For the past five year I've been honored with the opportunity to put several thousand through various workshops I teach. Through my experience with others and my own journey, I can attest that most of us do the below:
1. Judge that what makes us special isn't that special.
2. Forget what makes us special.
3. Do what we think the world thinks is special.
F that, people! Who are you to say that what makes you special isn't worth it? It's worth it to at least 10,000 others. Promise. You just might not see the ripples but they're there.
Just look at Ted Williams, the homeless man with a golden voice. Clearly he has a unique gift. But I don't think he ever imagined the impact that his great radio voice would have on opening the hearts and minds of millions. At best, he probably just thought he'd play some damn good music and give people a nice ride into work.
Don't judge your gift. The juicy mystery of how it will flourish for others is to be revealed if it isn't clear. Until then, just do what you do best.
I like to ask people: What are you freakishly good at? What just comes to you, naturally, without trying or learning so hard? What's your God-Given gift? It may be your ability to make someone laugh, or feel included, or elevated. It maybe remembering trivia or collecting stamps. It may be just looking pretty. Or maybe playing football. Or maybe creating multi-million dollar businesses. Whatever it is...
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman
Peace!
S
This quote says several things to me.
1. You are unique.
2. You have a unique role.
3. Your playing your unique role enables others to play theirs.
4. We need you. You need us. We need each other.
5. You bes' be clear that you're special and that specialness is a responsibility.
For the past five year I've been honored with the opportunity to put several thousand through various workshops I teach. Through my experience with others and my own journey, I can attest that most of us do the below:
1. Judge that what makes us special isn't that special.
2. Forget what makes us special.
3. Do what we think the world thinks is special.
F that, people! Who are you to say that what makes you special isn't worth it? It's worth it to at least 10,000 others. Promise. You just might not see the ripples but they're there.
Just look at Ted Williams, the homeless man with a golden voice. Clearly he has a unique gift. But I don't think he ever imagined the impact that his great radio voice would have on opening the hearts and minds of millions. At best, he probably just thought he'd play some damn good music and give people a nice ride into work.
Don't judge your gift. The juicy mystery of how it will flourish for others is to be revealed if it isn't clear. Until then, just do what you do best.
I like to ask people: What are you freakishly good at? What just comes to you, naturally, without trying or learning so hard? What's your God-Given gift? It may be your ability to make someone laugh, or feel included, or elevated. It maybe remembering trivia or collecting stamps. It may be just looking pretty. Or maybe playing football. Or maybe creating multi-million dollar businesses. Whatever it is...
"Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -Howard Thurman
Peace!
S
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Play thang
Play'as are you playing enough? It's good for you. Like sleep, sex, food. You should do it. You're wired for it. And need it as an adult. It's not just for kids. Here's a rather unplayful excerpt on play. Part of my research while at UPenn.
Play is a fun dance into sometimes uncertain terrain. It’s an opportunity for us to practice towards some version of perfection (Burghardt, 2005). The opportunity to be wrong doesn’t come easy in our society. We are a results oriented, productive batch that favors being right instead of wrong (Mueller & Dweck, 1998), hard work instead of play (Brown, 2009). However, we know from studies on positive organizations that cultivating a culture where making mistakes is acceptable has proven to positively impact an organization’s productivity (Caza, Edmonson, Lee, & Thomke, 2003). It is our culture’s fear of being wrong or unpolished that currently hampers our economic leadership, innovation, education, and personal growth (Bronson & Merryman, 2010). That's right. Read that last sentence again, carefully.
What is play? One woman's play is another's ... I don't know. Here are some guiding principles I like: Burghardt's 5 Criteria of Play below. Lots of people and academics have opinions - but there's no consensus and not enough research on what it means to play.
Play is done for its own sake
Not serious or of immediate use.
Play is intrinsically motivated (you want it)
Directed towards stimulants that don’t contribute to survival.
Voluntary.
Spontaneous.
Rewarding or reinforcing.
It's Fun (hello!)
Pleasurable and joyful.
Can be solitary or social.
Social play is contagious.
Occurs in a relaxed field free from stress and other behavioral requirements.
Play is not serious
Disappears under stress.
Characteristics that set it apart from serious performance.
It's messy for mastery
May involve self handicapping or role reversal.
May be exaggerated in intensity or duration from normal experience.
May be awkward or unpolished.
Interesting.
Involves mastery.
Differs from stereotyped behavior.
I challenge you get some (play) tonight.
s
References
Brown, S. (2009). Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul. New York: Penguin Group.
Burghardt, G. (1998). The evolutionary origins of play revisited. In M. Bekoff & J. Byers (eds.), Animal play: Evolutionary, comparative, and ecological perspectives (pp. 3– 26). Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.
Caza, A., Edmondson, A., Lee, F., & Thomke, S. (2003). New Knowledge creation in organizations. In Cameron, K. S., Dutton, J. E., & Quinn, R.E. (Eds.), Positive Organizational Scholarship (pp.194-206). San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children's Motivation and Performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 33-52.
Play is a fun dance into sometimes uncertain terrain. It’s an opportunity for us to practice towards some version of perfection (Burghardt, 2005). The opportunity to be wrong doesn’t come easy in our society. We are a results oriented, productive batch that favors being right instead of wrong (Mueller & Dweck, 1998), hard work instead of play (Brown, 2009). However, we know from studies on positive organizations that cultivating a culture where making mistakes is acceptable has proven to positively impact an organization’s productivity (Caza, Edmonson, Lee, & Thomke, 2003). It is our culture’s fear of being wrong or unpolished that currently hampers our economic leadership, innovation, education, and personal growth (Bronson & Merryman, 2010). That's right. Read that last sentence again, carefully.
What is play? One woman's play is another's ... I don't know. Here are some guiding principles I like: Burghardt's 5 Criteria of Play below. Lots of people and academics have opinions - but there's no consensus and not enough research on what it means to play.
Play is done for its own sake
Not serious or of immediate use.
Play is intrinsically motivated (you want it)
Directed towards stimulants that don’t contribute to survival.
Voluntary.
Spontaneous.
Rewarding or reinforcing.
It's Fun (hello!)
Pleasurable and joyful.
Can be solitary or social.
Social play is contagious.
Occurs in a relaxed field free from stress and other behavioral requirements.
Play is not serious
Disappears under stress.
Characteristics that set it apart from serious performance.
It's messy for mastery
May involve self handicapping or role reversal.
May be exaggerated in intensity or duration from normal experience.
May be awkward or unpolished.
Interesting.
Involves mastery.
Differs from stereotyped behavior.
I challenge you get some (play) tonight.
s
References
Brown, S. (2009). Play: How it shapes the brain, opens the imagination, and invigorates the soul. New York: Penguin Group.
Burghardt, G. (1998). The evolutionary origins of play revisited. In M. Bekoff & J. Byers (eds.), Animal play: Evolutionary, comparative, and ecological perspectives (pp. 3– 26). Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.
Caza, A., Edmondson, A., Lee, F., & Thomke, S. (2003). New Knowledge creation in organizations. In Cameron, K. S., Dutton, J. E., & Quinn, R.E. (Eds.), Positive Organizational Scholarship (pp.194-206). San Francisco: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.
Mueller, C. M., & Dweck, C. S. (1998). Praise for Intelligence Can Undermine Children's Motivation and Performance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 33-52.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Decisions, Decisions
In the U.S. our DNA rings with freedom. We think, freedom = choice. The more choice, the better. But that’s not true. Of course, some choice is better than no choice. But MORE choice leads to paralysis and disappointment according to Barry Schwartz, author of, The Paradox of Choice. I experienced some of the pain Barry describes when apartment hunting. But my belief system conquered in the end. Here's a synopsis of his research-based theory, followed by a TED video of him demonstrating it beautifully, and then my two cents:
The more choice you have, the higher your expectations. (I want high ceilings, lots of light, easy walk to subway, new appliances, etc).
The higher your expectations, the more you pay attention to what’s “missing” in a particular option. (Oh, this place doesn't have enough closets. That one there is a walk-up.)
Because nothing is perfect, you’re inevitably stuck choosing something that clearly doesn’t meet all your expectations. (Well, the lobby sucks and looks like a dungeon, but pretty much everything else is amazing).
You choose. And yet, you remorse. You think about what you’re missing and lost out on by making the choice you did. (Shoot...if I would have kept on looking could I have found a better deal or should I have gone downtown and suck up living in a closet?)
You’re not satisfied. Because the opportunity cost subtracts away from the total benefit. (Not really true for me...keep reading and I'll tell you why).
And worse, you blame yourself. Because YOU made the choice. (I experienced this for like 10 minutes).
More choice make us feel like there’s always something better. (Of course there are better options - there always are. But a)they are not perfect, also. b)if you don't make a choice, you got nutin'. Given my timing of having to move in by December 15th and my budget - I made the best choice at that time).
Barry's work...and I told him this...is depressing. Why? Because given the state of our economy, culture, and access to information - more choice is what's being created. Here's some additional personal perspective that is true for me and saves me from being a complete victim to the paradox of choice.
1. In a certain dimension of reality, there are no mistakes or bad decisions (because we learn from both) and that helps us grow.
2. I believe that we are exactly where we need to be doing exactly what needs to be done. Even if that means messing up.
3. You don't control everything and have no way of knowing everything - once you know that, you're free.
4. Okay, say your choice sucks. Just choose again. That's what experience offers. I know you want a short cut to the best choice. But sometimes, it's not available.
5. The best way to shortcut, however, is to know what you really, really want. To be crystal clear on what's most important to you. Barry advises sitting in a dark room, alone, and thinking hard about that. Once you know what you want exactly, you'll not be taunted by the possibilities.
I trusted that I would find a great apartment and I did. It has high ceilings, exposed brick, and outdoor space. Sure, it's not perfect, but I'm happy.
The more choice you have, the higher your expectations. (I want high ceilings, lots of light, easy walk to subway, new appliances, etc).
The higher your expectations, the more you pay attention to what’s “missing” in a particular option. (Oh, this place doesn't have enough closets. That one there is a walk-up.)
Because nothing is perfect, you’re inevitably stuck choosing something that clearly doesn’t meet all your expectations. (Well, the lobby sucks and looks like a dungeon, but pretty much everything else is amazing).
You choose. And yet, you remorse. You think about what you’re missing and lost out on by making the choice you did. (Shoot...if I would have kept on looking could I have found a better deal or should I have gone downtown and suck up living in a closet?)
You’re not satisfied. Because the opportunity cost subtracts away from the total benefit. (Not really true for me...keep reading and I'll tell you why).
And worse, you blame yourself. Because YOU made the choice. (I experienced this for like 10 minutes).
More choice make us feel like there’s always something better. (Of course there are better options - there always are. But a)they are not perfect, also. b)if you don't make a choice, you got nutin'. Given my timing of having to move in by December 15th and my budget - I made the best choice at that time).
Barry's work...and I told him this...is depressing. Why? Because given the state of our economy, culture, and access to information - more choice is what's being created. Here's some additional personal perspective that is true for me and saves me from being a complete victim to the paradox of choice.
1. In a certain dimension of reality, there are no mistakes or bad decisions (because we learn from both) and that helps us grow.
2. I believe that we are exactly where we need to be doing exactly what needs to be done. Even if that means messing up.
3. You don't control everything and have no way of knowing everything - once you know that, you're free.
4. Okay, say your choice sucks. Just choose again. That's what experience offers. I know you want a short cut to the best choice. But sometimes, it's not available.
5. The best way to shortcut, however, is to know what you really, really want. To be crystal clear on what's most important to you. Barry advises sitting in a dark room, alone, and thinking hard about that. Once you know what you want exactly, you'll not be taunted by the possibilities.
I trusted that I would find a great apartment and I did. It has high ceilings, exposed brick, and outdoor space. Sure, it's not perfect, but I'm happy.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Distracting Toes
Yesterday marked the beginning of Stella getting her groove back on. (I'm claiming that damn line - I hear it all the freaking time).
Anyway, while I was doing yoga in my apartment I found myself obsessing about my pedicure instead of my ohm. Each time I came face to toe I noticed how I would get out of sync and start to ruminate about the new nail color on my feet. WTF?
I knew what my mind was up to. So I just put my socks on and problem solved. Ohhh how my tricky little mind loves to pick at useless shit.
Sometimes you have to outsmart your mind and create an environment where it doesn't get to take you for a spin. Because it's you and it's just the way we're built...love and accept the jibber jabber - just consider ways to distract yourself from what's most distracting.
Here's to focus and flow.
S
Anyway, while I was doing yoga in my apartment I found myself obsessing about my pedicure instead of my ohm. Each time I came face to toe I noticed how I would get out of sync and start to ruminate about the new nail color on my feet. WTF?
I knew what my mind was up to. So I just put my socks on and problem solved. Ohhh how my tricky little mind loves to pick at useless shit.
Sometimes you have to outsmart your mind and create an environment where it doesn't get to take you for a spin. Because it's you and it's just the way we're built...love and accept the jibber jabber - just consider ways to distract yourself from what's most distracting.
Here's to focus and flow.
S
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Slippery when wet
Yesterday I was driving in snowy NJ. It was all sorts of mush. I noticed myself consciously focusing on the road and especially looking out for drivers who thought they were too cool for school. Which, is essentially how we gots to live. Right? You can only control how you drive and leave the rest up to... In addition to not being able to control where others choose to go (and how) we also can't control how they react to what we do. How nice. How scary. How easy.
Best,
S
Best,
S
Monday, December 27, 2010
How Relaxation is like Grief (Don't worry, it's all good)
If there is one thing that 2010 has taught me, it's how to respect the rest. How to honor the process of relaxation. This lesson comes on the heels of 2009, a year that was all about loss (a few relationships, some financial investments, and my vision of what I'd be by 30 (I'm still not 30)). Of course, all happens for the best, and both these challenging years have catapulted my growth as a human being unlike any other. Interestingly, I've realized that both relaxation and loss have a lot in common (at least for me).
Bear with me here...I haven't totally worked all the logic. But here are some parallels and some intersections I've noticed between the two.
1. In the most positive sense, loss is about letting go (again, I'm only speaking from my personal experience, so some of this may not feel right for you, esp if you're in the midst of it). Most of the time we don't choose to lose because it's painful.
2. But, in the end, in loss, we grow. Be it through its lessons, or the space it creates for newness, we are usually not less, but more because of our loss.
3. Relaxation, literally, is about releasing. It's about letting go. For me personally, my journey to really relax (and I mean beyond a massage) but to relax so I feel every cell in my body dance with ease, joy, lightness, looseness - this type of relaxation, getting there, is messy. Think about when you go on vacation, it usually takes a few days to get into a different rhythm right?
4. When we are relaxed, we are open, we are positive, and this yields growth. When we are stressed we're in fight or flight. This means our focus is narrowed, we are less likely to take on challenges, we are less social, and so on. Relaxation means we're in flow with the universe and can find treasures in the second.
Not sure I'm making sense but will continue...
This year was a biggie for me. Lots of things I'm proud of...lots that kept me busy...such as: finishing my masters, creating one of the largest conferences for women entrepreneurs, and moving into a new home in NYC. All this kept me plenty tense and taking time to chill actually felt bad. Even though I knew it was good for me. It got a little ugly.
If I were to paint a picture of Stella trying (in process to) relaxing it would be a flurry of stuff: I'd be wrestling a force, blindfolded, unable to see, tumbling around in a room that looks like home but is completely unfamiliar to me. I'd be hot and cold. I'd be uncomfortable. I'd be guilty and lustful, pure and clear. I'd be fidgety and still. I'd be bouncing between Heaven and Hell. I'd be black and white. I'd be depicted as confused and disoriented, yet in the perfect place. I'd be wriggling around, like a round peg in a round hole thinking it's a square. Not very relaxing is it?
But what I learned this year, and just realized about 15 minutes ago, is that achieving relaxation (especially during intense times) take time. On Saturday mornings, for example, when considering my day blocked off for nothingness, I'd begin to feel panic or guilt about all the things I could be doing, should be doing, people I could be with - I'd go through a process similar to the stages of grief- until, at last, with time, and through the journey, kicking and screaming, and with the coaxing of good friends, I'd achieve acceptance, release, and stillness.
Five Stages Of Grief (source: MHMatters) and Maybe Relaxation
1. Denial and Isolation.
-At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
-At first, I tend to deny that I'm as stressed as I am or that I really need to chill. I also, at the same time, feel the need to isolate. Hide under the covers. And turn off all communication devices.
2. Anger.
-The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
-Yep, I'm usually angry at myself for letting myself get to this state. Stella, why don't you take steps to prevent this? You shouldn't be working so hard.
3. Bargaining.
-Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
-"God, please help me. I'm exhausted! But I have so much to do. So I'll just take this time to chill because a) I deserve it and b)I promise to be more productive tomorrow."
4. Depression.
-The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
-"Shit. Isn't this supposed to feel good and fun? I'm bored. Why am I spending this time debating whether what I'm doing is what I should be doing or rewarding enough?"
5. Acceptance.
-This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
-"Okay, I'm feeling the blood come back to my soul. Ahhh, yes. This is what it feels like. Normal. Balanced. I just needed time."
Hope some that of made sense. And that it was positive.
Happy New Year!
S
Bear with me here...I haven't totally worked all the logic. But here are some parallels and some intersections I've noticed between the two.
1. In the most positive sense, loss is about letting go (again, I'm only speaking from my personal experience, so some of this may not feel right for you, esp if you're in the midst of it). Most of the time we don't choose to lose because it's painful.
2. But, in the end, in loss, we grow. Be it through its lessons, or the space it creates for newness, we are usually not less, but more because of our loss.
3. Relaxation, literally, is about releasing. It's about letting go. For me personally, my journey to really relax (and I mean beyond a massage) but to relax so I feel every cell in my body dance with ease, joy, lightness, looseness - this type of relaxation, getting there, is messy. Think about when you go on vacation, it usually takes a few days to get into a different rhythm right?
4. When we are relaxed, we are open, we are positive, and this yields growth. When we are stressed we're in fight or flight. This means our focus is narrowed, we are less likely to take on challenges, we are less social, and so on. Relaxation means we're in flow with the universe and can find treasures in the second.
Not sure I'm making sense but will continue...
This year was a biggie for me. Lots of things I'm proud of...lots that kept me busy...such as: finishing my masters, creating one of the largest conferences for women entrepreneurs, and moving into a new home in NYC. All this kept me plenty tense and taking time to chill actually felt bad. Even though I knew it was good for me. It got a little ugly.
If I were to paint a picture of Stella trying (in process to) relaxing it would be a flurry of stuff: I'd be wrestling a force, blindfolded, unable to see, tumbling around in a room that looks like home but is completely unfamiliar to me. I'd be hot and cold. I'd be uncomfortable. I'd be guilty and lustful, pure and clear. I'd be fidgety and still. I'd be bouncing between Heaven and Hell. I'd be black and white. I'd be depicted as confused and disoriented, yet in the perfect place. I'd be wriggling around, like a round peg in a round hole thinking it's a square. Not very relaxing is it?
But what I learned this year, and just realized about 15 minutes ago, is that achieving relaxation (especially during intense times) take time. On Saturday mornings, for example, when considering my day blocked off for nothingness, I'd begin to feel panic or guilt about all the things I could be doing, should be doing, people I could be with - I'd go through a process similar to the stages of grief- until, at last, with time, and through the journey, kicking and screaming, and with the coaxing of good friends, I'd achieve acceptance, release, and stillness.
Five Stages Of Grief (source: MHMatters) and Maybe Relaxation
1. Denial and Isolation.
-At first, we tend to deny the loss has taken place, and may withdraw from our usual social contacts. This stage may last a few moments, or longer.
-At first, I tend to deny that I'm as stressed as I am or that I really need to chill. I also, at the same time, feel the need to isolate. Hide under the covers. And turn off all communication devices.
2. Anger.
-The grieving person may then be furious at the person who inflicted the hurt (even if she's dead), or at the world, for letting it happen. He may be angry with himself for letting the event take place, even if, realistically, nothing could have stopped it.
-Yep, I'm usually angry at myself for letting myself get to this state. Stella, why don't you take steps to prevent this? You shouldn't be working so hard.
3. Bargaining.
-Now the grieving person may make bargains with God, asking, "If I do this, will you take away the loss?"
-"God, please help me. I'm exhausted! But I have so much to do. So I'll just take this time to chill because a) I deserve it and b)I promise to be more productive tomorrow."
4. Depression.
-The person feels numb, although anger and sadness may remain underneath.
-"Shit. Isn't this supposed to feel good and fun? I'm bored. Why am I spending this time debating whether what I'm doing is what I should be doing or rewarding enough?"
5. Acceptance.
-This is when the anger, sadness and mourning have tapered off. The person simply accepts the reality of the loss.
-"Okay, I'm feeling the blood come back to my soul. Ahhh, yes. This is what it feels like. Normal. Balanced. I just needed time."
Hope some that of made sense. And that it was positive.
Happy New Year!
S
Who is in control? The apples!
Literally watching The Botany of Desire, a documentary, live, like now. Couldn't resist letting another cool "aha" escape my mind before planting its way here (so bad, I know...pun intended).
Essentially this documentary points out how plants, not us, are essentially in control. Plants such as apples, marijuana, potatoes, and tulips use humans as allies in their proliferation.
By adapting to our desires for sweetness, intoxication, beauty, and control - these plants have strategized their flourishing.
Why this is cool, what it reminded me of, and taught me:
1. We are at once in control and responsible for it all and also none of it.
2. I'm reminded again, that we are in it, with nature - not the protectors, destroyers, or observers, we are partners with it. Nature can take care of itself.
3. Flexible, seductive, creative organisms make it.
4. There's always something brilliant to learn from switching your perspective. Not just to another human, but to other organisms and non-living things.
Sumpin to chew on (goodness I'm on a roll):
Consider how you're not just the consumer or producer, but the ally or the instrument for something else at work. Honor it. It will help you get that much deeper into appreciation and the now.
Here's to flourishing.
S
Essentially this documentary points out how plants, not us, are essentially in control. Plants such as apples, marijuana, potatoes, and tulips use humans as allies in their proliferation.
By adapting to our desires for sweetness, intoxication, beauty, and control - these plants have strategized their flourishing.
Why this is cool, what it reminded me of, and taught me:
1. We are at once in control and responsible for it all and also none of it.
2. I'm reminded again, that we are in it, with nature - not the protectors, destroyers, or observers, we are partners with it. Nature can take care of itself.
3. Flexible, seductive, creative organisms make it.
4. There's always something brilliant to learn from switching your perspective. Not just to another human, but to other organisms and non-living things.
Sumpin to chew on (goodness I'm on a roll):
Consider how you're not just the consumer or producer, but the ally or the instrument for something else at work. Honor it. It will help you get that much deeper into appreciation and the now.
Here's to flourishing.
S
Monday, December 6, 2010
Greeting Card Detox
Yesterday was my sister's birthday. I woke up early to write her a card. 30 minutes later I ended up laying in bed, crying over my laptop (had to write a draft), snotty in my pj's, with heart stretching. I call this episode:
Greeting Card Detox
It's happened before. It occurs when I actually give myself the space and undivided attention to truly appreciate someone I love and tell them in writing. It's not easy for me and it gets messy, but the reward is powerful.
Yesterday I realized that this process would make a really good positive intervention. Meaning, it's a tool you can add to your tool-kit of things you can do to optimize your mood. So here it goes:
I encourage you, next time you need to get out of your head or are in need of a lift, walk into a greeting card store, think of someone you love, and just read. If you have time, buy a card and spend at least 10 minutes writing to that person. By focusing on someone else and how beautiful they are you'll be experiencing a mini-love meditation. In no time you'll hopefully feel more clear and clean in mind and heart. If you're courageous enough to share it with the person you love, you'll feel even bigger in mind and heart. Get ready to cry.
Best,
S
Greeting Card Detox
It's happened before. It occurs when I actually give myself the space and undivided attention to truly appreciate someone I love and tell them in writing. It's not easy for me and it gets messy, but the reward is powerful.
Yesterday I realized that this process would make a really good positive intervention. Meaning, it's a tool you can add to your tool-kit of things you can do to optimize your mood. So here it goes:
I encourage you, next time you need to get out of your head or are in need of a lift, walk into a greeting card store, think of someone you love, and just read. If you have time, buy a card and spend at least 10 minutes writing to that person. By focusing on someone else and how beautiful they are you'll be experiencing a mini-love meditation. In no time you'll hopefully feel more clear and clean in mind and heart. If you're courageous enough to share it with the person you love, you'll feel even bigger in mind and heart. Get ready to cry.
Best,
S
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)