I just moved 36 days ago from New York to San Francisco. Other than a semester abroad, I've always been within about an hour's drive to my family and friends. The past five weeks have shown me much turbulence and growth. All I which I welcome and will further reflect on when there is more space...
For now...I share a quickie to show the vulnerability of our adaptiveness, of our discomfort with uncertainty, and how the existential happens in between the aisles of down comforters and shower heads.
Yesterday I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond in San Francisco. Walking through the aisles I could feel myself get excited and relaxed at the same time. I stared at the things I could buy. I didn't want any of it. But still I gazed eagerly at it all. Drinking it all in. I noticed the distinct sensation of peace I felt, in contrast to what I've been holding since we landed in California.
I remembered shopping with my mom. And my house in New Jersey. I remembered starting my new home in New York. I could see flashes of all those decisions I made for creating numerous homes for the past 20+ years. I suddenly got transported out of the constant new in San Francisco to a place I knew. The familiarity of the lighting, the blue aprons worn by the clerks, the tall stacks of towels, and the awesome 20% off coupons nestled in my wallet washed me over with a soothing feeling. I found myself at home in Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
They say to lean into the discomfort, to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, that uncertainty is the only certainty. It's hard. So yesterday the universe gave me a hug...and I received some relief. I glanced quickly at a sense of stillness. For a moment I didn't have to discover, change, or learn anything - I could just be in midst of flannel sheets and glass tupperware. And it was amazing.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
7 steps for how not to feel bad for feeling bad.
Ever have a day when you know you have tons to be grateful for but still feel like shit? Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Judging your emotions actually stops the flow of information you're receiving. Which is the whole point of feelings. Feelings are another sense. The sixth sense. They allow us to navigate towards a better place. The more you bottle up your negative emotions, however uncomfortable they are, the more icky they become. Feelings just want to to be felt. Acknowledged. They want your attention. If you ignore them or disconfigure them - they'll just do all sorts of gymnastics to get your attention. And instead of showing you how to improve a situation, a relationship, yourself - their kungfu will get the best of you - until you're on your back with no other place to go.
So how exactly does one not feel bad about feeling bad? Or not bottle up without turning looney tunes? Or receive the info so they don't need to get beat up completely with all sorts of tough biznass.
Well here's how:
1. Acknowledge that you feel like crapola.
2. Know that it's not YOU who is the crapola, it's just a fleeting sensation.
3. Know that fleeting sensation will pass. I can't guarantee how long it will take. So you have to be patient. The more you lean into this - the easier it will subside.
4. Pretend you can actually see yourself from 30 feet above and watch yourself. Imagine who you are watching is just a little kid who is going through something. Would you tell that little kid they're a loser, weak, or bad for being where they're at?
5. I hope not.
6. Give an imaginary hug that little kid. Love that kid.
7. Give yourself a break. Find a way to be quiet, sleep, exercise, scream, do whatever feels right in the moment to show yourself you care about you and that you're honoring where you are at. Even if this is inconvenient. Even if this takes time that you may think you don't have.
My inspiration for The i Scream Truck came out of this process. Instead of judging myself for wanting to scream, I just let it happen. I acknowledged that something was up and that I wasn't crazy for feeling so overwhelmed. I chose not beat myself up for my emotions, but rather just acknowledged and expressed them with some screaming. Afterwards I felt tons better.
If this resonates with you take one minute and 10 bucks to contribute to The i Scream Truck campaign to generate inner peace one block at a time!
With much love,
Stella
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Loving myself
Back in 2010 when shit hit the fan on a personal level - I set out on a quest to figure out how to love myself. What does it mean to really love yourself? Is it regular mani-pedi's? Exercise? Good diet? Daily affirmations?
About two years later I think I've finally gotten the swing. The love comes from listening to myself. And not judging. And listening to myself. And not judging.
It's not easy to listen to myself hear say, "Stella, you're not going to work today - you've been working too hard all weekend, so you're going to have to do nothing this Monday." Or, "Stella, you want that chocolate cake like it's nobody's business, just go for it!" Or, "Stella, the answer isn't clear now, but trust that its on its way." Or, "Stella, even though everyone says it doesn't make sense, this is something you've got to do - so just do it." It's not easy to hear such messages without judgement.
It's felt like a wrestling match at times - to go down the path of listening despite what I thought I "should do." But the more I trust the listening and do it without judgement, the happier I am.
Love,
S
About two years later I think I've finally gotten the swing. The love comes from listening to myself. And not judging. And listening to myself. And not judging.
It's not easy to listen to myself hear say, "Stella, you're not going to work today - you've been working too hard all weekend, so you're going to have to do nothing this Monday." Or, "Stella, you want that chocolate cake like it's nobody's business, just go for it!" Or, "Stella, the answer isn't clear now, but trust that its on its way." Or, "Stella, even though everyone says it doesn't make sense, this is something you've got to do - so just do it." It's not easy to hear such messages without judgement.
It's felt like a wrestling match at times - to go down the path of listening despite what I thought I "should do." But the more I trust the listening and do it without judgement, the happier I am.
Love,
S
Sunday, July 22, 2012
knock knock...anybody there?
I'm not sure if anyone is out there anymore. But I miss Positively Stella. It's the day before I test my first early prototype of the i scream truck - something I've been dreaming up for a long time. I felt kinda blah today. I took myself out for a walk and kept whipping out all the positive interventions I usually do for a lift: gratitude, visualizations, distractions, mantras - non of it making much of a dent in my state of whateverness-wtf-am-i-doing-ness-is-this-crazy-and-does-it-matter-ness.
Then I saw a cab drive by advertising the lotto for a $110MM. I asked myself - what would I do differently if I had that money? And my answer was: exactly the same thing I'm doing right now.
Sure, I'd have nicer bags, a dishwasher, travel some more - but the slight relief from anti-climaticism came there. Realizing that I'm living my dream. And while I have no clue if will all transpire - I at least know that I have no regrets for not giving it a crazy go right now.
I told my boyfriend, Ilya, about my not feeling the butterflies today and he said so wisely, "the stars would not shine if there were no darkness." I don't remember where he got that from - but I'm so glad I got him.
Love,
S
Sunday, September 11, 2011
OK, people. I know it's been a while. I've been busy launching my new biz, WOOPAAH! It's the whole reason I went back to school to learn about positive psychology. I'm only telling you so far. Still kinda hush, hush, soft-launchy. Bigger splashes to come. But here's the deal. I have a blog on that site. And need to figure out how to transition or make sense of positivelystella.com in light of my WOOPAAH blog. Solution coming. But meanwhile, I'll just copy and paste. And double-post for now. It's my stuff and I can re-purpose if I want to! Hopefully that's cool with you for now.
My best,
S
Saturday, July 23, 2011
sweat as glue
It's 92 in NYC. Creeping up to 100. It's been the kind of heat where the breeze is so hot it makes you warmer, not cooler.
The other day (which was even hotter) I found myself pacing impatiently at the Christopher Street stop in the subway. As my legs slipped around each other glazed in sweat, my arms akimbo for ventilation, I noticed the scene around me: a mini dog's head flopped over its LV carrying bag like a lifeless bob, giving up. Mr. Banker man's light blue shirt was all dark blue. The homeless man just sat on the bench, looking like he normally does. The sexy girl's make-up was dripping, she seemed devastated. We all were quiet. Slow. Mouths open. Waiting and waiting for the 1 train with messed up service. Looking desperately into the tunnel for a sign of two lights.
What I realized in that moment was just how connected I felt to everyone there with me. Money, power, sex, brand names, hurts in heart, places traveled, degrees earned, good deeds done, crimes committed, whatever it was that we were or doing, had or strived for- none of that mattered. In that heat, on that platform, all that defined us as individuals was perspired away leaving each person in the same - wilted, breathing, and being. I felt each one of them.
I just think that's cool.
Best
S
The other day (which was even hotter) I found myself pacing impatiently at the Christopher Street stop in the subway. As my legs slipped around each other glazed in sweat, my arms akimbo for ventilation, I noticed the scene around me: a mini dog's head flopped over its LV carrying bag like a lifeless bob, giving up. Mr. Banker man's light blue shirt was all dark blue. The homeless man just sat on the bench, looking like he normally does. The sexy girl's make-up was dripping, she seemed devastated. We all were quiet. Slow. Mouths open. Waiting and waiting for the 1 train with messed up service. Looking desperately into the tunnel for a sign of two lights.
What I realized in that moment was just how connected I felt to everyone there with me. Money, power, sex, brand names, hurts in heart, places traveled, degrees earned, good deeds done, crimes committed, whatever it was that we were or doing, had or strived for- none of that mattered. In that heat, on that platform, all that defined us as individuals was perspired away leaving each person in the same - wilted, breathing, and being. I felt each one of them.
I just think that's cool.
Best
S
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Permission to Fumble
You know when you know something but just can't find the right words to articulate it? Or the right thoughts? But, you know that there's something there - whether it's a feeling you can't quite place, or a hunch of a good idea. This post is about giving yourself permission to fumble through the thick of it so you can land in a place of improved clarity. The key to fumbling as elegantly as possible - is to do the following:
1. Identify a "safe" person(s) to fumble with. By safe, I mean someone who is a good listener, non-judgmental, and authentically has your interests in mind. Even better if they're not vested in the outcome of what you're fumbling with.
2. Ask your safe person(s) for permission to fumble through and request what you need of them. "I just need you to listen." "Tell me what you hear me saying." "I don't know what I'm getting at...but think there's something, can you help me clarify?"
3. Pay attention to the mirror, mirror, on the wall. Face the fact that you might not actually want to hear what's coming out of your mouth. So really listen to what your safe listener is playing back for you.
4. Take mental or physical notes and then let some time pass. Let your subconscious speed up to your conscious. Your brain has wheels turning that our out of your control - and those parts work wonders. It's what happens when the AHA pops up. The best way to let that happen is to switch your attention to something other than what you're trying to resolve. Take a break.
5. Repeat this cycle with another safe person (s), or advance to the party that may be involved in either developing your idea or working through the issue you have.
Innovation, growth, progress only happen when we give ourselves permission to take risks into the unknown.
Peace.
S
1. Identify a "safe" person(s) to fumble with. By safe, I mean someone who is a good listener, non-judgmental, and authentically has your interests in mind. Even better if they're not vested in the outcome of what you're fumbling with.
2. Ask your safe person(s) for permission to fumble through and request what you need of them. "I just need you to listen." "Tell me what you hear me saying." "I don't know what I'm getting at...but think there's something, can you help me clarify?"
3. Pay attention to the mirror, mirror, on the wall. Face the fact that you might not actually want to hear what's coming out of your mouth. So really listen to what your safe listener is playing back for you.
4. Take mental or physical notes and then let some time pass. Let your subconscious speed up to your conscious. Your brain has wheels turning that our out of your control - and those parts work wonders. It's what happens when the AHA pops up. The best way to let that happen is to switch your attention to something other than what you're trying to resolve. Take a break.
5. Repeat this cycle with another safe person (s), or advance to the party that may be involved in either developing your idea or working through the issue you have.
Innovation, growth, progress only happen when we give ourselves permission to take risks into the unknown.
Peace.
S
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Consuming or Nurturing?
When making way for the new, consider what you can release. Maybe it's that book you are never going to read. Maybe it's the "friend" who is total drain-o (technical term for "depletes your energy"). Maybe it's clearing your bag of all those loose receipts. Maybe it's parting ways with t-shirts that are expired.
I once read that nature doesn't like holes. So if you create a new opening, a new space, fill it with something nurturing to seal the deal of goodness or the same stuff will just be attracted right back. You know how when you get a facial - they clear you out and then seal your pores? It's the same thing for everything.
If you're clearing a physical space, consider lighting candles, adding flowers, or performing some blessings. If you're clearing a relationship, make sure to fill your life with activities that fill you with positivity. Get the point?
One way to decide whether it's for keeps or not is to ask: is this consuming me or is it nurturing me?
peace.
I once read that nature doesn't like holes. So if you create a new opening, a new space, fill it with something nurturing to seal the deal of goodness or the same stuff will just be attracted right back. You know how when you get a facial - they clear you out and then seal your pores? It's the same thing for everything.
If you're clearing a physical space, consider lighting candles, adding flowers, or performing some blessings. If you're clearing a relationship, make sure to fill your life with activities that fill you with positivity. Get the point?
One way to decide whether it's for keeps or not is to ask: is this consuming me or is it nurturing me?
peace.
Monday, June 13, 2011
inspired by a friend
a good friend just shared something brilliant with me and it was totally expanding. i was like, woah....how can i learn THAT?!?
she said, "i've been so busy focusing on what outcome i wanted, i didn't give any possibility for appreciating what just is. i've been trying to control the whole situation. and once i let it flow...i was met with something even bigger. not the package i wanted it in...but beyond GOOD. and, actually exactly what i needed."
hallo! let me get in on some of that action. ahhh, the tender place of envisioning, desiring, but being open to any outcome - for the masters.
sometimes you gots it. sometimes you don't.
s
she said, "i've been so busy focusing on what outcome i wanted, i didn't give any possibility for appreciating what just is. i've been trying to control the whole situation. and once i let it flow...i was met with something even bigger. not the package i wanted it in...but beyond GOOD. and, actually exactly what i needed."
hallo! let me get in on some of that action. ahhh, the tender place of envisioning, desiring, but being open to any outcome - for the masters.
sometimes you gots it. sometimes you don't.
s
Saturday, June 11, 2011
The Download
Today I met up with my business coach. It took me a while to seek out the support of someone else. After all, don't I advise thousands of women on entrepreneurship - shouldn't I have my own answers? Uhh. NO. Everyone needs someone. You can't do it alone. And that's the point of this post. So here we go:
It's been over two months since I saw her last. We're supposed to meet monthly. But to be honest, I put it off. I wanted to wait until I had some real "progress" to show her.
After ordering some divine fried chicken thingy, from the cool, local South Africa spot in my hood, she said, "Now, Stella. Stop judging yourself. Don't feel like you have to perfect for me. I'm not anyone you have to get "ready" for. I'm the one you can vent, you share, you can just BE wherever you are. That's the point. I'm here to help you."
AHHH. Yes. I forgot...you're here to help me (not used to that). So we just talked. I gave her updates. She was super validating and enthusiastic. I shared some insecurities. I expressed things I hadn't quite worked out in my head. And then I left feel lighter, better, energized.
My coach is a trailblazing entrepreneur - many of you have probably enjoyed her products sold nationally throughout Whole Foods. She gives me some amazing biz advice. But what I think I really pay her for is the listening. It's the chance to give a messy, undigested download, and have a space to see it somewhere outside my head. When "IT" is out in the world - through spoken word to someone else - somehow I feel I have more space from within to analyze, resolve, create, innovate, and feel alive.
Don't underestimate the power of the download. If you are wrestling with anything, unsure, overwhelmed, or feeling a little ick - talk to someone. Literally, say, "Hey Friend or Coach or Stranger: Can you give me 10 minutes of just pure downloading time? I need to get somethings out of my head and all you have to do is just listen - this would help me work it out. Would be happy to do the same for you if you like."
I know this sounds small, duh, and you know it. But I needed a reminder. So thought I'd share. We need each other - even if it's just to be containers for downloads.
Now if you want to be an advanced, super container make sure you validate the feelings or experience of the downloader. Don't negate what's happening - just show the sharer that you care for them regardless of whatever they are sharing. We all need to feel that we're loved, valued, and worthy - despite any junk in the trunk.
Much love
s
It's been over two months since I saw her last. We're supposed to meet monthly. But to be honest, I put it off. I wanted to wait until I had some real "progress" to show her.
After ordering some divine fried chicken thingy, from the cool, local South Africa spot in my hood, she said, "Now, Stella. Stop judging yourself. Don't feel like you have to perfect for me. I'm not anyone you have to get "ready" for. I'm the one you can vent, you share, you can just BE wherever you are. That's the point. I'm here to help you."
AHHH. Yes. I forgot...you're here to help me (not used to that). So we just talked. I gave her updates. She was super validating and enthusiastic. I shared some insecurities. I expressed things I hadn't quite worked out in my head. And then I left feel lighter, better, energized.
My coach is a trailblazing entrepreneur - many of you have probably enjoyed her products sold nationally throughout Whole Foods. She gives me some amazing biz advice. But what I think I really pay her for is the listening. It's the chance to give a messy, undigested download, and have a space to see it somewhere outside my head. When "IT" is out in the world - through spoken word to someone else - somehow I feel I have more space from within to analyze, resolve, create, innovate, and feel alive.
Don't underestimate the power of the download. If you are wrestling with anything, unsure, overwhelmed, or feeling a little ick - talk to someone. Literally, say, "Hey Friend or Coach or Stranger: Can you give me 10 minutes of just pure downloading time? I need to get somethings out of my head and all you have to do is just listen - this would help me work it out. Would be happy to do the same for you if you like."
I know this sounds small, duh, and you know it. But I needed a reminder. So thought I'd share. We need each other - even if it's just to be containers for downloads.
Now if you want to be an advanced, super container make sure you validate the feelings or experience of the downloader. Don't negate what's happening - just show the sharer that you care for them regardless of whatever they are sharing. We all need to feel that we're loved, valued, and worthy - despite any junk in the trunk.
Much love
s
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