Homage to Oxytocin

Go Oxytocin, the hormone that makes you warm, feel connected... the master social juice.

Here are some interesting factoids about the big O. They are interesting to me because they SCREAM how wired we are for connection. Physical connection.

When an infant suckles at the breast of its mother, Oxytocin production is triggered, which further stimulates milk release. Overtime this stimulation is conditioned so that just by seeing her baby, a mother’s milk lets down.

Ewes that are injected with Oxytocin will actually develop maternal bonds with lambs that are not their own. But if they are given treatment to block their oxytocin during birthing, they won’t develop instincts to their natural born offspring.

Oxytocin overrides fear. If rats are injected with oxytocin, they are able to override their natural instincts to avoid “stranger” rats. Injected female rats will immediately begin maternal practices even if they are not pregnant. They’ll adopt and nurture other young rats, lay down as if preparing for nursing, and protect their “adopted rats” from others.

Oxytocin creates a sense of calm and social harmony. For example, Apes spend 10% of their waking hours picking at one another’s fur. This is not for just hygiene, but rather, the rhythmic touching involved in apes’ grooming behavior stimulates the release of oxytocin, keeping relations among the group calm and cohesive.

Oxytocin reduces pain (like when your mommy kisses your boo-boo), relieves stress (like when your partner holds your hand through a difficult experience), and diminishes distractability (like when your coach grabs your shoulder).

When making love, the ultimate social connection, orgasm releases a flood of oxytocin in the bloodstream -which is why naps are so great after sex. Blood pressure goes down and levels of stress hormones. Performed regularly with the same person, this creates a bond between individuals - often resulting in a feeling we call “love.” This bond can temporarily misguide our attachments to potentially the wrong mate.

Oxytocin creates “warmth” in our bodies. When breastfeeding the baby shows increased blood flow to hands and feet. This also happens with adults as we smootch or whatever - we feel heat in our cheeks and warm chests.

So go out and touch someone.

Much O,
S

Source: Loneliness by John Cacioppo and William Patrick

And I Thought I was Strong

Okay. So first, in case you missed the pic, I'm a white Jewish girl.

But when watching this clip, I was AMENing, HALLELUJAHing, and MMMM-MMMing all over the place!

In this video (only 10 minutes) Bishop T.D. Jakes shares a story about women - and how we nurture everything - from baby to PAIN. He goes on to describe his wife who when she got sick, continued to do what she needed to do to keep the home, the family, and work in order. In fact, he had to double check with her, and ask her if she was really sick.

At this point, I'm nodding. Yep, been there done that. That's what I do. What my mom does. What my grandma does. That's just what we do. I'm flexing my muscles (figuratively) at this point - that's right, STRONG.

Then. He goes and shares how when HE got sick, he became a helpless child, asking for his mama. He canceled everything, demanded chicken soup, and was incapacitated with the same symptoms his wife just had.

At this point, I'm nodding knowingly, rolling my eyes. Like, "Of course. Why are men such babies? Grow some. Suck it up." (I know, this is not very "positively" stella - but, whatever).

So HERE comes the shocker. Bishop T.D. Jakes makes the point that: HELLO LADIES, why are YOU not stopping the world when you feel bad? You deserve to REST. You are IMPORTANT enough to rest and NEED it.

WOAH.

WOAH.

WOAH.

I never thought about it like that. I never saw this perspective. You know, self preservation. I always drew pride from my resilient lineage of women and those that surround me. Like we're made of steel and just get it done.

But, as I take 2010 to recoup from my crazy year last year (this is tough) I could not agree with the Bishop more. He is right. And that's what I'm trying to do - and now, this perspective further strengthens my resolve to not be so "strong" - or at least, what we perceive as strong.

So ladies, considering yourself a queen (and I know many of you already do this, but many of you don't), how would you do things differently to act in true service of yourself?

Much love,
S


PS Everything in balance, no? So let's take the above with a sensible grain of salt. :)

Special thanks to my friend Marjorie Dickinson who sent this over and continues to enlighten my journey.

God in Starbucks

“Late night sex, so wet, so tight…you can have whatever you like…I want your body, need your body, as long as you have me…”

This is a line from a song that played randomly on Pandora as I was reading one of the most deep spiritual stories I ever crossed.

Let me just paint this picture further:

To spite the fact that I have to write and research on July 5th (when everyone else is out on the beach or bbq'ing), I’m wearing a ridiculous outfit, my newest high heels, and crazy bright pink lipstick to… Starbucks in the middle of New Jersey. That’s right.

I have a tall coffee in hand. And am reading and sobbing. My f’it – I’m-going-to-look-good-even-though-I –have-no-where-to-go-but-sit-my-ass-down and write, make-up is washing down my face as I'm reading about an encounter with God.

I gulp my tall coffee.

And sit back at the irony...The high and the low. The deep and the hip-hop. The obnoxious vanity and tender sensitivity. The commercial and the truth...And relish this experience of being divinely human.


Much love,
S

Gratitude is the Gateway Emotion to Good Things

After I lost just about everything (money, men, apartment, and job), the only thing that got me back was GRATITUDE.

By experiencing true gratitude for my family, my friends, and the opportunity I had to rebuild and rest, I learned that in all that was lost, I had been found.

I believe, and once I'm done writing my capstone I will publish something official on this, that GRATITUDE is THE GATEWAY emotion to all the good stuff.

By gratitude I mean HEARTFELT "thank YOU." Not the BS thanks we sometimes mindlessly express. I mean the kind where your heart expands and you FEEL it. Here's why GRATITUDE is the shit:


GRATITUDE helps you SAVOR.
It induces you to SAVOR small things you can easily take for granted. Like running water, clean sheets, or your honey who just made you breakfast and wished you a good day.

In the process of SAVORING, gratitude gently, effortlessly, helps you become more MINDFUL, more PRESENT. Only if you are HERE and NOW can you be truly grateful for what is. (This is a relief for people like me who can't meditate regularly).

Being GRATEFUL opens your heart; by experiencing it you are automatically acknowledging all that you are able to RECEIVE and experience. So you are OPEN.

Lastly, true gratitude inspires you to want to give and serve others (Fredrickson, 2009). Not in the tit for tat kinda way, but in a way that is energized to really make a difference.

I have so much more to say about this...but for now this will do. Gratitude is the bombdiggity.

PS Sometimes people think I'm all pie in the sky - like just because I'm me I have an extra canny ability to experience this full-of-wonder-type-of-gratitude...but it's not me.

Anyone can get themselves into Gratitude. It's a process. Here are some ways I do it:

1. If I'm feeling like dump and throwing a pity party or hissy fit, I'll take a mental break from whatever I'm thinking and just list all the things I'm grateful for in my head until I feel better. I'll do this as I walk from the subway to my office or as I take a coffee break. Sometimes it takes a while. Here's how it sounds: "I'm so grateful for my legs that carry me. I'm so grateful for my mind that works. I'm so grateful for safety I feel. I'm so grateful for these cute shoes. I'm so grateful that it's warm outside..." Stay with this for minutes until you TRULY feel and believe just how damn lucky you really are.

2. If I'm about to sleep and feeling icky, I'll write at least three things I'm grateful for and why. The key is to be specific about the things as they relate to the day. So for example, even if a meeting didn't go well, instead of focusing on how it sucked or I suck, I'll say: "I'm grateful that I have a team dedicated to helping me organize our next presentation." Or, "I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to present and learn so I can kick ass next time."

3. If all else fails, just focus on everybody else who has it worse than you. This will zap you into a mindset of acknowledging all the abundance in your life. It may feel like cheating, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

To conclude (again). "If you focus on what you don't have, you'll find you never have enough. If you focus on what you do have, you'll find you always have more."

Thank YOU for reading.

S

Source: Positivity by Barbara Fredrickson

Practicing Breathing, a Transferrable Skill

William James, THE man in psychology, says that do and your emotions will follow. Exercise is a great way to practice self determination and discipline. Talk about transferable skills. My downward dog and breathing spill over from mat to work to friends. For example, having practiced focused breathing for the day, it's now easier for me stay centered on writing my capstone instead of e-mailing, or to stay fully engaged in conversation with someone, instead of letting my mind wander to build my grocery list.

Check out the video I embedded and Yoga Yak for free yoga online.

Namaste.
s

FAKE FEAR and the GIANT OCTOPUS

Yesterday my friend and I were talking and I shared my freakish fear of the octopus. Whenever I'm in the ocean and begin to wander into waters where I can't see a thing, I immediately begin to imagine a giant octopus lurking around ready to seize and squeeze and take me down.

Sometimes, get this, I even imagine it in the pool.

Sometimes, it gets so strong I have to get out the water. But usually I don't because I know my fear is bogus.

There's good, valid fear that keeps you safe and then there's what I call FAKE FEAR. Fake fear is the kind you need to have a face to face with, a sit-down.

Here's how my "sit-down" goes in the water (it's more like a pep talk): "Stella, look at how beautiful the water is...such a nice day...la di da, la di da, ahhhh, doesn't that water feel amazing...there's no one here but your friends and little fishies, you are safe."

Now this is quite embarrassing. But but because our brains all work alike, I bet you have your own fun batch.

What's really scary is when these fake fears disguise themselves as the real thing. This is my warning to all of you. When it comes to your dreams, beware of the FAKE FEAR. It's ugly and will take you down. I've spent over six years training entrepreneurs and shaking off this fake fear.

Now that you've met my octopus, take a fresh look at whatever is keeping you back in life - in your career, your relationships, or whatever. Is it a fake-out?

If it is, have a mini session with yourself. Don't be mean or angry. Just say, "thanks for sharing, but I think I'm going to do X anyway."

Much love,
S

I'm on a blogging spree...watch out!

I was reading about electricity today. Don't ask.

And what I realized (I mean, I knew this before, but I just didn't think about it this way) is that even on an atomic level, we are both positive and negative. Remember protons and electrons?!?

Down to the molecule there exists both. Here's where being human comes in: down to your thoughts, words, and actions, you have a choice between the two.

This is a great little story illustrating the choice. It was shared by Barbara Fredrickson, author of Positivity, at the IPPA Conference.

An elderly Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life.

He said to them, "A fight is going on inside me, it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil; he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.

The other is good; he is joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too."

They thought about it for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win, Grandfather?"

The Elder simply replied, "The one you feed."
- Unknown

Srikumar Rao: Plug into your hard-wired happiness | Video on TED.com

Srikumar Rao: Plug into your hard-wired happiness | Video on TED.com

Does your blood sing with happiness as you wake in the morning? Can you drop to your knees in gratitude at all the blessings you're experiencing right now? If you're not this damn radiant, well, Professor Rao, from Columbia University, says you are wasting your life!

Because, guess what, your life is perfect. I know, I know...you're thinking, Stella, what are you on? But I agree with the dude. I'm not a complete master...but I'd say I'm getting there, and Rao is one of the reasons why.

Here's what Rao recommends:

Don't invest in the outcome, invest in the process. Do all you can to achieve your goal, but don't put your happiness on the line if you don't succeed. We've been taught that happiness happens when we achieve or get what it is we desire. But success is completely out of your control. The only thing you control is the process, the path towards your goal.

Watch out for the "If ______ (fill in the blank), then I'll be happy." This is the flawed model we've been trained on. Rao believes that if you can't find passion within yourself NOW, then no job, opportunity, person, or thing will do the trick. Everything you need to be happy, is within you, NOW.

Much love,
S

Synthesizing Happiness

Here Dan Gilbert, Harvard Prof, discusses how we synthesize happiness. We CAN make happiness and the kind we make is equally as good as the kind that we kind of stumble upon. The very commodity we chase, is one we can manufacture from within. Fascinating stuff and great news!

He also shares some cool studies about choice. Our "creating happiness" button only goes on when we have no other choice than to accept the cards we're dealt. Given the opportunity to reverse a decision, or to choose differently, can actually leave you unsatisfied in the long run.

This flies in the face of our assumptions about freedom of choice as a good thing. Intuitively, as consumers, I think we're all beginning to feel this truth. Personally, I'm tired of standing in the grocery store stumped over which toilet paper to buy. That's why brands who curate our decision making process are cashing out!

Think of Chipotle (which I just had for lunch). It's a simple as 1, 2, and 3. Or Amazon, which smartly suggests, "customers who bought what you just did, also like this..." Consider how you can make the lives around you more rich by curating and simplifying options for others. It takes so much damn energy to make a decision - so there is a lot of VALUE (be it emotional or monetary) that you can provide by taking decision making work out of whatever is at hand. For business owners, consider how you can taste match your customers' needs and lesson the choices they have to make. For employees, give your boss less options and a clear recommendation. For friends, narrow dinner options down to 3 cuisines instead of "what do you feel like eating?"

petting the grapevine

i haven't written in a while. i've resisted posting for the sake of it. as i chilled out on my deck this morning and heard and smelled nature - i got inspired.


seeping into the subtle humidity, deep into my chair
body surrenders - welcoming the warm sun
remembering the outdoors
forgetting the ac
my lids close, drinking in the sounds of chirp
and then open
i can feel a presence
i peek with one eye
someone is hovering
hey there, i say
i extend for a shake
my new friend, curly, green, fresh, dangles over me
hey there, he responds
we connect
and he wraps himself around my fingers
and i through his