MARTYR OR HERO? Which are you to YOU?

mar·tyr
   /ˈmɑrtər/ Show Spelled[mahr-ter]
A person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice.

he·ro
   /ˈhɪəroʊ/ Show Spelled[heer-oh]
A person of distinguished courage or ability, admired for her/his brave deeds and noble qualities.


Which do you want to be for yourself? Are you sacrificing for some belief? Or are you courageously facing what is and acting in your own best interest? I'm working on being my own hero. It's a process. I'm one of those people they need to constantly remind: "put on your own air mask before assisting others."

Not sure how to be a HERO to yourself? Here are tips from a recovering martyr:

1. Find a hero guardian and model after them. This is someone who has your best interests in mind and shares your values. Use them as a thermometer when making a decision if you feel yourself weakening to your martyr devices. If you're like me, and easily sacrifice because "you can handle it" - usually the hero guardian reminds you you're on crack if you're about to agree to X. This is often my parents or closest girlfriends. Sometimes we naturally avoid our hero guardians because we don't want to face the truth. For example, if a boyfriend was acting up, my hero guardians might be the last to know because I didn't want confirmation that yes, indeed, John Doe is an asshole.

2. Don't try to be a Super Hero. A super hero is a martyr in disguise. Why? Because you're taking on too much. Being a hero takes courage and lots of self control. Self control is like a muscle - which can be fatigued. Studies show that we actually have a finite amount of self control. So if you want to create a change in your life, start with just one. Don't go on a diet and try to quit smoking all at once or you'll burn out.

3. Own + Forgive. Being your own hero means standing up for yourself even when you did something you wish you didn't. This takes two steps: 1)take responsibility for something you did that you would have done differently 2)forgive yourself for any mistakes. Remember, you are worth protecting and that involves whatever it takes to get you into a safe and positive place to move forward. So take the steps you need to own and forgive so you can move onto what makes you happy.

Much love,
S

I'm Cooked!

Ahhh. Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday. While I love it and love my family, add vodka, sensitive conversations, and suddenly I'm rubbed better than that buttered turkey.

Here are the various techniques I tried to keep my cool:

1. Switch the topic
2. Do something funny
3. Remove myself from the room
4. Find something that positively engages me - I found a book on Kabbalah
5. Remember I love these people

While I can't always control what others do or say, I can control what I do with myself.

Here's to the people I love the most who somehow, somehow, bring out the animal in me.

Thankful for it all.
S

ASK, Silly! Here's how...

He: keeps texting instead of calling.
You: Honey, thanks for being so communicative. I'd love to hear your voice, call me.

Your boss: chose Nancy to take the lead instead of you.
You: I'd like to take on more leadership roles at the company. This is why and what I can contribute...

Your dream: needs $1,000,000 to kick start.
You: Hi (investor), my business offers you an opportunity to achieve X. Join me.

Man on subway: is taking up two seats.
You: I'd like to sit down, would you mind moving your bag.

Teacher: gave you A-, you deserved an A+
You: Professor, I'd like the opportunity to discuss my paper with you and request your re-evaluating my grade for an A+. This is why...

Whatever it is that you want. ASK for it. ASK. ASK. ASK.

Nobody can read your mind or wishes. You have a responsibility to yourself and to OTHERS to let them know. The world feels good when you do. Seriously. Help others help you.

Here are some tips:
1. Be clear on what you want and WHY
2. Identify who can help you achieve what you want
3. Ask that person
4. Be polite but firm (don't apologize or be concerned with being a burden)
5. Focus on what you need (and not on what the others are missing or doing wrong)

If you still find it hard to ask for what you need. Remember this:
1. You're worth it.
2. You're setting an example. So set a positive one. If you don't practice asking for what you need - you are sending a message to everyone who looks up to you that it's okay to take shit.
3. Like everything, this is a practice. Seems so simple, but it's not. Take baby steps. It took me 6 months to muster up the courage to tell my nail lady to change the way she files my nails.

Here's what I am asking to kick off for everyone:
1. Share my blog with three people who would enjoy it and have them subscribe
2. Practice asking for something that you may be holding back on and report back!

Sulk. Just a little.

FIVE OR SO TIPS FOR HOW TO FEEL DOWN, POSITIVELY*

1. Realize you feel like shit. Be honest.
Whether you're angry, sad, anxious, or aren't sure but just out of it...you can't change course if you don't recognize where you're at. Stop trying to stop whatever you're in. By pushing it away, ignoring it, or trying remedy it asap you're ignoring a symptom. Honor your emotions. No need to fake you're fine.

2. Allow it. Sulk.
We think so badly about negative emotion. But they are there to guide us towards a better way. It just doesn't feel comfortable. Let yourself sulk. Know that this is normal. When you catch a cold, you let it pass. You get all snotty and icky, but the best thing to do is just chill and let it run its course. Same here. Simmer a bit.

3. Get quiet.
Sulking usually is isolating. Any negative emotion - fear, anxiety, sadness, etc. is designed to push us away from danger. By doing that - it pushes us away from others. I think sulking in whatever you're feeling, may be good to do alone for just a bit. It enables you to tap into what may be going on. But be your own judge, you may prefer to share to help someone work it out with you.

4. Ask, "what's up?"
With as much curiosity as you can muster and without any judgment, ask yourself, deep inside, what is there to learn or gain from this ickeyness. Take your time. There is no time that is too long or too short. Take YOUR time - which only you KNOW.

5. Integrate and own.
Take in the lesson (although you might not recognize it as such at the time) with gratitude and own whatever responsibility you had in the creation of your own experience.

Make a choice to take one small step towards something that will lift your spirits..

Keep repeating until you feel not just better, but more grown.

much love,
S

*Disclaimer....this advice is for the rather small to moderate rough patches. If you are experiencing deep depression or a major traumatic event, do consult with a professional nearby for support. We all need support.

Don't Be So Serious. I am.

It's 9:15pm. I'm trying out a new regime. Going to bed early and waking up super early (like 5ish). As I was about to rush off and do some last minute work before going to bed, stressed, my sister said, before you go, you have to watch this. "Uggghh...ok...fine!"

This video is hilarious and I felt it immediately lift me out my tight-ass, serious, mood. Ironically, I'm in the midst of creating a business on play and often don't give myself the opportunity to do it.

That's why I'm teachin what I need to learn.

Anyway, enjoy! And goodnight!

P.S. Not sure if you're reading this in time. But you might notice funny robots and rockets in my web design. They made me laugh, too. So hopefully you enjoy as well.

Give Up

I recently got an e-mail from an entrepreneur I work with that said she chose to give up on her idea. I immediately hit "reply," starting a letter with a bunch of motivational, "never give up" stuff. But then I paused, deleted, and thought, "you go girl."

Ever stay in a relationship or job way longer than you should have? I have. Why? Because I thought I could do it, win it, conquer it, transform it, make it right, change myself, change the other, whatever it was - I was up to the challenge. And if I gave up - than that meant I was a failure. But that's bull-shit.

Think about the words, "Give UP." "Give" is an offering. "Up" is positive. If you are considering releasing something that no longer serves you - don't berate yourself as a "loser" or a "quitter" because you gave up. Instead, consider yourself brave for making a choice to release that which is no longer serving you.

Let's give up "Never give up" as the heroic path.

Here's my BUT. What I gave up were executions or expressions of what I thought I wanted. I didn't give up on my dreams. There's a fine tricky line. I'm considering doing a talk or workshop around this. Would be interested in your stories or thoughts around giving up.

Much love,
S

My Time with Martha Beck - like woah

I wish I was a Neat Freak

On a scale from 1-10, 10 being anal about organization and cleanliness, I'd say I'm a 7. But I envy 10's. I'm a wanna-be neat-freak. I admire people who fold precisely, make labels for things you wouldn't expect to be labeled, etc.

When your stuff is in order. Your stuff is in order. Your thoughts run smoother, your time runs more effectively. Period.

I'm a 7 and not a 10 because I let certain less-used drawers go mad and I'm a pile-er. While my closet and desk are organized, the drawer where I keep my sewing kits looks like a vomited bundle of threads, material, zippers, scissors, sequins, and pins.

Every time I go to replace a button I subconsciously brace myself. It kind of stresses me out.

Notice, do you "brace yourself" or "avoid" or "look away" from mess?

Yesterday I couldn't taken it any more. What started off as an innocent repair to one of my favorite shirts ended in an attack of my little craft drawer. I stayed up until 1:30am on a Friday night clearing the mess. (I know, I'm so glam).

Let me tell you, now that it's done, I actually feel lighter. Even though I rarely visit that drawer, it still silently gnawed at me having it in disorder. This morning, (this is a little sick-o) I looked in and just reveled in it. It felt a little better than some sex. That good.

For those of you lower on the scale or with higher tolerance to mess, I don't care what you say, getting your stuff in order creates more order inside you.

So give it a try. Start small. Go for your wallet, go for your desktop, go for your calendar, go for your medicine cabinet. Clearing it up will give you instant HIGH.

Living today as a 10.
S

On Track

Today I was waiting for the R subway as usual in Times Square. As the slight, warm, warning breeze of a coming train stirred, I edged closer to the platform, looking in to spot a confirmation. Yes! There it is. The light at the beginning of the tunnel.

For non-New Yorkers reading this post, the way you identify a train is by: 1) The Letter or Number visible on the front of the train and on its windows 2) The color of the circle surrounding that letter or number.

As soon as the train surfaced into light I noticed that instead of seeing my anticipated yellow circle with the letter "R," I saw a blue circle with the letter "H." I never heard of an "H" train. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Then I saw a quick glimpse of my familiar "R" on the window of another car. Then I saw an upside-down "N," and then I saw an "M". These are all signs on the same train, just on different cars.

The train passed the station, not stopping. "Out of service," said the voice of Times Square.

Hmmm. That train seemed confused, I thought. That must be why it's not in service.

Ding! ding! ding! This thought would make a great blog post.

So here it is...my a.m. AHA translation of all those signs:

If you feel confused about who you are or are just having an off/disorienting day, do something to be of service to someone or something. Helping others is what makes you feel purposeful, reminding you why YOU matter.

For example, the fastest way to snap myself out of a spiraling negative mess is to give someone else a lift. It can be small - like giving a stranger a compliment, offering my seat to an older person, or listening to a friend who wants to be heard. Also, realizing others are in need doesn't make me feel so lonely in whatever I'm experiencing.

The reason why this works for me, for others, and I bet you, too, is because we're literally wired to help one another. If you do it enough, on a regular basis, there's actually something called the "helper's high" which has similar effects to a "runner's high" in the body.

Sometimes we can't avoid the sensation of not knowing where we're going, of being too many things, and perhaps, sometimes we might even miss our stop. But the opportunity to be in-service is always in your control.


This-is-my-in-service-for-today,
S

Punched in the Face. Seriously.

"It is not what happens to you but how you respond to what happens to you." - Anonymous

Yesterday I was visiting the Bronx Zoo. It was super fun. I was in a great mood. Fascinated by the animals. Centered by watching little monkeys eat leaves.

As I stood eagerly checking out the mice in the Mouse House, the dark little mouse house, BAMMMM! Right in my nose. I'm hit. My nose. My eyes. My chin. OWWWW.

It turns out someone in front of me decided to use all his force to turn around and accidentally land his elbow on my face.

I have never been hit in the face so hard. And my contact lens popped up into the upper lid of my eye. I couldn't see from one eye suddenly. I wasn't sure what was happening. Is my nose broken? Are my eyeballs in place?

I was with a very kind gentleman/ date which made this whole episode even better. HOT.

It's okay. You can laugh. I would have if I wasn't hurting.

As someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, this situation was a challenge to understand. But sometimes we need not understand, just accept.

There was no bad intention on behalf of the owner of the huge elbow. So, what to do? Get some ice. Re-locate my contact lens in the lost ether of my eye-lid. Laugh and enjoy the rest of my day.

And I did.

Much love with her all her face in place (thank goodness).
Stella