Plans

What's a track record anyway? It's your choosing to acknowledge certain actions led to certain results. But there are infinite track records - infinite tracks. So perhaps we shouldn't so rely on what served us before serves us now. Or what worked before is bound to work again. Or that just because it was "planned" it's the best choice in the moment.

I'm getting more and more comfy with what my friend Lisa says to me all the time, "Stella, you choose now. And you can choose again later...everything is allowed."

So I'm allowing myself to get more jiggy with changing my mind and making up my own rules. Because 1) everything is made up anyway, so might as well create it in a way that sings true to me and my values. 2) things changes, and to override the present because of a past intention feels more about proving something versus exercising integrity in the now.

As best as I can now..
s

Ready Freddy? A relief from anguished patience.

What does it mean to be ready? I actually looked it up on freedictionary.com it means: "Prepared or available for service, action, or progress."

I've been coming off an impatient jag recently...questioning why things weren't the way I wanted them now (I'm wincing as I write this ... but yes, I was having an existential tantrum...NOW NOW NOW!). Why can't I be ready for X NOW? Why can't he be ready for me NOW? Why isn't it all happening NOW?!? Why is the time not NOW? Why haven't I launched it yet? (Note to reader: This is not a recent jag - this is an-all-my-life-I've-been-feeling-this-restless-kinda-jag...I just happen to be recently coming off of it - settling into something else).

So I've been asking myself:
Prepared? What else I have been doing but preparing?!?
Available? I've created a big huge space for available...hello?!?
What else am I to do? If it's not happening does it mean I can't handle it? Does it mean I have more work to do? Is there something wrong with me? Please, please, whoever is in charge, don't tell me...it's just because I'm not ready! I'm not feeling that ANSWER.

So...here are some alternative answers I came up to self soothe...check them out...They appeared through two events that shined the light on the complexity of that which I have been calling, "readiness."

1. A hangover
2. Very healthy and strong nails

What the hangover taught me about "readiness"
I had a great night on Saturday at a friend's b-day and spent most of my Sunday recovering. I'm not a big drinker, at all. So it's been a while since I felt this sweet. I tried to stay in bed but couldn't. I tried to work - forget it. I spent time with a friend for bfast - positive and distracting but I still wanted to throw up afterwards. What to do?

Nothing. But let it take it's course. I felt a familiar tug pointing me to look up and see the answer about my readiness examination. Saying, see, see, Stella, you just got to sit with it. Not much for you to do here. So, I took some Excedrin, and finally fell asleep. I emerged a NEW WOMAN! God was I grateful for my body working this out. I felt victorious. I felt AWESOME. All I did was relax. Hmmm.

What my nails taught me about readiness
There was a time when I covered my nails with fake stuff so I would have one less appointment every few weeks - so worth it (I guess). But I stopped because I couldn't find a good lady to replace the one I cherished. Suddenly it was just me, my natural and wilted nails from overly chemicalized treatment, and some pain.

So what to do? Well, not much. I tended to them as best I could. Bought some vitamins. And let, again, my body and time do its work. This week I looked down at them and realized, woah, they're back! They are rockin! Lookin FINE.

So what's the lesson? How have I appeased myself so as not to consider myself a failure because the things I've so been moving towards are still moving their way towards me? Well, if you think the message here is JUST WAIT, it will all work out - that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, just LIVE, do what feels right in the moment, and one day, one day, dear Stella, and dear reader, you'll wake up and the shift would have occurred, effortlessly actually - because you were totally present in your life.

I'm done trying to clutch onto a virtue of which I have none (patience). It's not about patience or waiting. There is not waiting. There is just BEING.

So here's to being as full as you are, just right now. Which is perfect. Relaxing or doing. Preparing or not. Available or Occupied. Fresh and chipper or smelling like last night's cocktail. It's all good. And none of it is missing anything. It's not incomplete. So long as I'm plugged into this perspective I feel whole. I don't feel like I'm missing anything, like I'm longing to be any where but here, and the restlessness, oh that constant tug, well, it feels ever-so-slightly more peaceful. For which the tiniest droplet of that rest - I am grateful.


Best,
Stella

When you feel like you're missing something, realize you have everything already.

I must have been ON

The other day I was walking down the street to buy some quick groceries for an impromptu dinner party in my back yard. I quickly changed into my first summer dress of the season. The sun was just setting. I just got a mani-pedi. The breeze was warm. And the fog of sadness that I had been experiencing that week (oh romance) started to clear up.

Walking briskly to the market I made eye contact with a man who smiled big at me. As we were about to pass one another he held up his hand for me and I gave him a big high-five. And we both kept walking. We didn't lose a beat. If you were an observer you would think we were long-time neighbors. But I never saw this dude in my life, nor can I recall what he looks like.

It was the most brilliant exchange and gave me so much light. It was a "yeah, high-five to life mf'ers, we are all connected human beings" kinda moment. I LOVED it.

While random and so small it was my personal sign that everything is all good and will be all good.

I often use NYC streets as my mirror. I try to make eye contact with strangers. Gauging by their response, my energy. Sometimes I get tons of warm affection - and people who I don't know feel very familiar. Other times, I find, I can barely get a glance from the throngs.

We experience what we put out. And I'm so grateful for that mini-moment - totally affirming and celebrating. A little file I will put away for days when I need a high-five.

best
s

Non-Violent Confrontation with a Moth

I just worked out. Sweaty. Excited to feel a cool shower. I move the shower curtain out of the way and something huge flies out. Holy shit! I scream. F+CK. I don't like having to deal with insects. Damnnnnnnn. Jumbo Moth calmly hides itself on the upper reaches of my medicine cabinet. Fine. (But you better not eat my clothes MF'er).

I finish my shower. Dry off. And know that I have to deal with it. Come out come out wherever you are.

I open my medicine cabinet and it's hanging out on the brim. But it's still steamy and I can't see that well. My glasses are off. And when I put them on they just fog up. "You've got to be kidding me," I mentally declare to the moth/man/world higher up's.

Can't you just leave or somehow not be here! Seriously, I don't have time to deal with this right now.

I stare at it. As I do with all bugs who come into my space (or so I think it's mine). I'm hoping it has ESP and will somehow catch up to my thoughts - knowing what's good for it, and peacefully depart.

The problem is that there is no way out. My window is shut. I'm still naked. The medicine door, if I let go to open the window will swing shut. And then Jumbo Moth will be squashed or tumbling around with my floss, lotion, etc. Uhhhh. And then dealing with opening up the cabinet only to have it fly into my face is not an option.

Quick thinking I create a MacGyver-like prop with some "Purity" face wash - it keeps the medicine cabinet from fully swinging shut. I cover myself up quickly with my towel - now free to open my window as high as possible without flashing my Super.

Then I tell it, OK. You can go now. Just go.

But it won't. So I start blowing on it.

Can't you feel the breeze of my breath? Move it!

Nothin.

So then I start to mentally bargain and be nice. OK Mr. Moth, it's been great knowing you, thanks for stopping by, you can seriously just take off now.

Nothin.

Fine. I get out a magazine and it starts to flutter. And fly. Oh no! It's all around. Ahhhh. I'm in a steamy box, naked, with a Jumbo Moth that has no navigational sense. What if it flies into me and sticks to my skin? (Amazing the imagination, isn't it?). Its wings flap so fast it feels like it has thousands of wings. I'm so freaking out.

And then it's out. Right out the window! The chaos and frenzy disappear. Silence and stillness.

I shut the window FAST. YES!

I raise my arms victorious. Jumping up and down in my bathroom.

This felt big for me. Profound. I'm not sure if there is necessarily a big AHA here or lesson. But dealing with this on my own (versus asking a boyfriend or my mom) made me feel quite competent. Maybe there's something in this about fear? About dealing? About letting go instead of squashing? I'm not going to over analyze this one - just relish feeling quite proud, relieved, and ready to take on the next challenge. Yeah baby. Thanks Jumbo.

Best,
S

Pleasure, A Close Cousin to Negative Emotion

I started another blog post but got hungry. While searching for some research on my post, I found this paragraph below that I wrote in my capstone for grad school. Because I'm craving a yummy breakfast - I'm taking the easy way out of this post opportunity by copying and pasting something else I wrote. Read and you'll see how my hunger/ desire for food is affecting this opportunity for expansion, for giving you something bigger:

"I want to distinguish the difference between positive emotions and bodily pleasures. While they feel good, bodily pleasures do not function like positive emotions. The positive experience of sexual stimulation, a massage, yummy chocolate cake, or a warm blanket on a cold winter day, do not lead the way to flourishing. In fact, bodily pleasures are close cousins to negative emotions by the way they similarly narrow one’s mindset to focus on satisfying a desired action. Unlike negative emotions, rather than moving away from something [like danger], we are drawn to the craved experience (Fredrickson, 2009)."

Pleasure isn't bad, it just doesn't necessarily lead you to being your biggest self, to growing, to expanding - because you can't look up until satisfied. There's a role for pleasure, because damn, it feels good! Just know it has limits on how it can actually serve your intentions.

Quickly signing off for some bruncheroo action.

Best
S

Fredrickson, B. L. (2009). Positivity. New York: Crown Publisher.

Boundaries in Boundlessness

The challenge of being a human is that you have two arms, two legs, one head, and so on. You have 24 hours. And you have needs that need to be met - like sleep, food, sex, friends, family, money, etc.

Yet. At the same time. You are limitless. You are boundless. The possibilities for your imprint have no horizon.

Everyone great has the same limits you do. Everyone has the same time. I know you and your problems are special - so are mine. But so what?

So what are you going to do with your limits? Use them as a creative challenge. Use them to rub you into action. Use them to squeeze, to wrap, to wind, to twist around, in, between, above, and below. Be like water with them - flow, with ease, get through the cracks, rush with elegance, cleanse the unclean, nourish the dry, give life to what's yet to be born.

Use your boundaries as a way to get into your boundlessness.

Doing my best to expand with flow. As much for me as this is for you.
s

numb is dumb - hope is dope

Stress, shock, stuff that sucks - is inevitable. But how you deal can have big effects on your health. I was reading Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom by Christiane Northrup - one of my favorite books. Most transforming. And I re-found this:

People who see their situation as hopeless actually release opioidlike substances (enkephalins) that numb cells of their bodies - making them incapable of destroying cancer cells and bacteria. It's not stress that creates immune problems, it's the perception of stress being inescapable. It's the feeling of not having control that kind of tells your cells - indeed, you are not in control.

What's disarming, mysterious, and wild is how sometimes our beliefs (established perceptions of the world) are lodged deep - so much so we don't even know (as in consciously, with our intellect).

So what do with this:
1. Be open to the fact that you may be a passenger to certain beliefs that don't serve you.
2. Know that you can un-do them or find them out with the help of hypnotherapy and other mental/spiritual health professionals.
3. Let yourself feel it. Cry if you want to cry. Scream if you want to scream. Move if you want to move. Don't ask why first - let yourself experience and the answer will come after.
4. Remember, you can create beliefs, destroy beliefs, and choose beliefs. You are in control.

S

Thank you 20's

On the last 24 hours of my 20's here I go.

Thank you life for what you are.
Thank you lessons for getting me here.
Thank you loved ones. Family. Blood. Friends who are family. New friends. Strangers. People I pass on the street who smile. Thank you all.
Thank you NYC for being my home.
Thank you cozy-1-br-with-bricks-and-patches-of-friendly-grass.
Thank you coffee for my mornings.
Thank you body for being there, each second. Working beyond my knowing. Being my knowing.
Thank you possessions. My mac, my phone, my green t-shirt, my glasses, my key chains, my fur, my candles, my new laptop bag, my socks, soft toilet paper, great bronzer, all things, thank you.
Thank you universe. For today. For every moment up to now. For now. For what's to come. For it all.

How Success Sucks: The Anti-Climax

This theme has been coming up a lot amongst my friends and clients (and I experienced it a few times myself) so thought I'd dig into this rather unspoken context: the messy, anti-climactic, depressing nature of success.

If you are feelin it, just know, I think you're normal.

I recently started another Incubator Workshop, reveling in the bad-ass-you-go-girl-you-rock-my-world entrepreneurs that I have the privilege of knowing and working with. In just 9 months one of my participants created a jewelry line that's ready to be sold on QVC and she is entertaining offers to sell her company before even officially launching (HOT). Even though she is making her wildest dreams come true she confessed, after receiving her product fully manufactured, and showing and telling in the Incubator: "I'm so ready to be done with this shit. I cried my eyes out for days when I received the final product. I'm exhausted. I don't know why I feel this way. But I'm done. I'm over it. Is there something wrong with me?"

Another friend who recently put her NYC pad up for sale and got an offer in two weeks calls me shakily, "Stell, I'm tender. This couldn't have gone better...but I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm out of it. I'm not myself. I'm trying my hardest to keep it together."

Had I not experienced a total melt-down after pulling off a supremely awesome conference in November, I wouldn't have been able to understand what my friends/clients are going through. After Dream it! Launch it! Live it! - a-couldn't-have-asked-for-anything-more-successful-conference, I totally lost it. I couldn't finish my sentences. I was depressed. I was ickey and anxious and irritable. WTF?

So here's my theory: the process of creation is F'in uncomfortable. In fact, if you think about how babies are born, it's usually painful. Moving from one state into total newness means leaving or departing from something you know. In creation, there may be destruction of the former. Postpartum isn't just for moms - it can apply to anyone birthing new ideas into life. Perhaps the ick factor of success realized can be contributed to mourning the loss of the old (baby in belly, idea in heart, life as it was) contrasted with vulnerable, here-I-am-finally-here anticipated results.

I'm not saying all success comes with pain or anti-climax, just saying, if you happen to be lucky enough to ARRIVE, and it's not all you thought, and you're not feeling what you expected, you may just be experiencing some normal, uncomfortable, tension - and you're not messed up.

So what's the remedy? My remedy to most things is gratitude. Drinking in the privilege of the moment. Staying present. So present. Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad, just do your best to be loose, relaxed, and nurture yourself with rest.

I guess this is a long way of affirming, "it's about the journey and not the destination."

Does this make sense to anyone? Have you experienced this?

Best,
S