Ready Freddy? A relief from anguished patience.

What does it mean to be ready? I actually looked it up on freedictionary.com it means: "Prepared or available for service, action, or progress."

I've been coming off an impatient jag recently...questioning why things weren't the way I wanted them now (I'm wincing as I write this ... but yes, I was having an existential tantrum...NOW NOW NOW!). Why can't I be ready for X NOW? Why can't he be ready for me NOW? Why isn't it all happening NOW?!? Why is the time not NOW? Why haven't I launched it yet? (Note to reader: This is not a recent jag - this is an-all-my-life-I've-been-feeling-this-restless-kinda-jag...I just happen to be recently coming off of it - settling into something else).

So I've been asking myself:
Prepared? What else I have been doing but preparing?!?
Available? I've created a big huge space for available...hello?!?
What else am I to do? If it's not happening does it mean I can't handle it? Does it mean I have more work to do? Is there something wrong with me? Please, please, whoever is in charge, don't tell me...it's just because I'm not ready! I'm not feeling that ANSWER.

So...here are some alternative answers I came up to self soothe...check them out...They appeared through two events that shined the light on the complexity of that which I have been calling, "readiness."

1. A hangover
2. Very healthy and strong nails

What the hangover taught me about "readiness"
I had a great night on Saturday at a friend's b-day and spent most of my Sunday recovering. I'm not a big drinker, at all. So it's been a while since I felt this sweet. I tried to stay in bed but couldn't. I tried to work - forget it. I spent time with a friend for bfast - positive and distracting but I still wanted to throw up afterwards. What to do?

Nothing. But let it take it's course. I felt a familiar tug pointing me to look up and see the answer about my readiness examination. Saying, see, see, Stella, you just got to sit with it. Not much for you to do here. So, I took some Excedrin, and finally fell asleep. I emerged a NEW WOMAN! God was I grateful for my body working this out. I felt victorious. I felt AWESOME. All I did was relax. Hmmm.

What my nails taught me about readiness
There was a time when I covered my nails with fake stuff so I would have one less appointment every few weeks - so worth it (I guess). But I stopped because I couldn't find a good lady to replace the one I cherished. Suddenly it was just me, my natural and wilted nails from overly chemicalized treatment, and some pain.

So what to do? Well, not much. I tended to them as best I could. Bought some vitamins. And let, again, my body and time do its work. This week I looked down at them and realized, woah, they're back! They are rockin! Lookin FINE.

So what's the lesson? How have I appeased myself so as not to consider myself a failure because the things I've so been moving towards are still moving their way towards me? Well, if you think the message here is JUST WAIT, it will all work out - that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, just LIVE, do what feels right in the moment, and one day, one day, dear Stella, and dear reader, you'll wake up and the shift would have occurred, effortlessly actually - because you were totally present in your life.

I'm done trying to clutch onto a virtue of which I have none (patience). It's not about patience or waiting. There is not waiting. There is just BEING.

So here's to being as full as you are, just right now. Which is perfect. Relaxing or doing. Preparing or not. Available or Occupied. Fresh and chipper or smelling like last night's cocktail. It's all good. And none of it is missing anything. It's not incomplete. So long as I'm plugged into this perspective I feel whole. I don't feel like I'm missing anything, like I'm longing to be any where but here, and the restlessness, oh that constant tug, well, it feels ever-so-slightly more peaceful. For which the tiniest droplet of that rest - I am grateful.


Best,
Stella

Remembering with Elizabeth Lesser

This past Monday morning. Running late. Had a late night working. Cabbing it, yet, again. Damn! How I committed to taking subways or walking. Damn! How I committed to going to sleep earlier and not working on Sunday nights. Ahhh, will try, again. Whatever.

In my 11 block cab ride (yes, 11 blocks) I manage some major mental, emotional, and cosmetic kung-fu. Realities wrestling for attention, I do up the bronzer (present), I run through my to-do lists (future), I tell myself to stop judging myself for the cab and the sleep (past-future-past-present), I energize myself with silent pep talks of my dreams coming true, regardless of the aforementioned broken commitments (future), I replay some conversations I had from last night (past), and I realize my mind is everywhere but in the back seat of the taxi, in my body (present, again). And then I arrive.

Flurry, flurry, scurry, scurry, up the elevator, kiss, kiss, hello, hello, how was your weekend?

And... I'm on.

Time to work. Thankfully, I have a cool job. And my job for that hour was to interview one of the women I most admire, Elizabeth Lesser. Elizabeth is Co-Founder of the Omega Institute (go, go, go there!)

The moment I hear her voice, I feel myself settle. I feel a softening in my chest, a melting in my shoulders, a lightness in my face. We reflect on many things. Here are a few that supplied me with my zen fix for the week, that got me back. Thanks, Elizabeth.

1. In the Sufi tradition, the word for "spirituality" actually means "remembering." On a higher level, higher than the one that most of us operate on daily (or in the back seat of a cab), we are completely complete, need nothing, know everything, perfect, as-is. The key is to remember that. Living, experiencing, learning - is really remembering what we already know.

2. It's work. It takes time. Relationships need YOU there. After remembering that it's all remembering, Elizabeth reminded me of what I know of relationships. That they need time, are messy, and need you there, physically. In order to work through the complexities and create intimacy with your partner, friend, or child - it's important to create plenty of space for things to be worked out and through, for bumps to be smoothed, for growth to be had. Back and forth, back and forth, integration - requires people to be invested, time, body, heart, soul, in space, together.

3. At the speed of trees. Wired with our schedules action packed, there may be no road back to slow. Who knows if this is good or bad. But what we do know is that as beings on earth, our bodies best respond to the rhythm of nature. To the waves in the ocean, the shift of the seasons, the cycles of the moon. Mother nature doesn't rush or force...soooo, remember that. Go be with some trees, feel the snow on your face, smell the air, hear the wind.

To get some of your own zen fix on with the wise words of Elizabeth, I encourage you to watch her latest Ted Talk. Enjoy.



Much love,
S