Our reality is created by the questions we ask...

The title is a quote by David Cooperrider, founder of Appreciate Inquiry, a change management process. For more on this, see my previous post "Hugging David Cooperrider."

Anyway, after watching Alice in Wonderland tonight I found myself asking some questions that opened up to different realities. I'm still figuring out the right question to ask. But the thinking goes like this..

First Question: How do you inspire the message that "anything is possible" if someone doesn't really care?

(Hmmm, this question already feels depressing and hopeless from the get-go).

Second stab: How do you have the patience and compassion to care to inspire that "anything is possible" to someone who hasn't ever really thought big for themselves?

(Hmmm, this is getting warmer. At least here the question assumes it's possible to inspire the idea that anything is possible, so long as you do it right.

Third shot: What is my responsibility?


Hmmming with love,
Stella

Turd Encounter. The most disgusting post eva.

For my Positive Psychology homework we're supposed to have conversations with a partner to practice discussing what we're learning. Today the conversation was all about, pardon my Russian, kakashki.

Literally.

For this assignment my partner is supposed to pick an event that activated some negative thoughts. My job is to walk her through a process where she can parse out the facts from her feelings from thinking traps from the consequences of all of the above.

For this session my friend shared a story about how the four guys in her office aren't really clean. After kindly asking them to take better care of the restroom, she walks into the bathroom with a big floater awaiting her.

The thoughts she had: "This is disgusting. I'm embarrassed - what if my clients were to find this? WTF? Are we not adults here? Assholes!"

She was enraged. She immediately snapped a shot with her iphone and wrote a very angry letter to the landlord. At that moment her phone died and it didn't get sent. Thankfully.

Upon reflection here's what we learned from the turd encounter:

1. Shit happens regardless, but it's how you react that matters.

2. Share with a friend. Talking this event through with me took it from being something that was totally magnified in her mind to something she could laugh at.

3. Life doesn't happen TO you unless you let it. My friend realized this is not about "why me?" Not everything is about her.

4. Balance your attention. She realized she was diminishing the good stuff, like how much she loved her office, and blowing up the bad stuff.

5. Chill out. It's best to just let at least some time pass for cool-down before reacting to anything that sets you off.

6. Don't mind read. Or like my 4th grade teacher taught: assuming makes an ass-out-of-u-and-me. She was assuming they didn't care. But who knows, maybe the toilet was broken?

7. Avoid overgeneralizing. When my friend met one of her office mates he happened to be eating a Twinkie and downing it with a Slurpie from the gas station. Immediately she generalized that this man doesn't care about anything and IS disgusting. But that was just one snapshot of his life. You can't overgeneralize one behavior to an entire character.

So next time you have a fight or are rubbed the wrong way, do a check-in. Have you examined the fact? Have you analyzed the evidence or jumped to conclusions? Do you need a sec to cool down?

With much love,
Stella


PS Resilience by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte provides plenty of insight and tips on how to keep yourself positive and in the game. Karen is one of my professors and is leading the entire US Army through resilience training.

How I Go to Bed and Wake Up

I recently shared this with some friends and they got a kick out of it, so I thought I'd share it with you. Just because.

Before I'm on the brink of falling asleep, the last thing I repeat to myself several times is:

"All the people and projects I am seeking are also seeking me. I give thanks to God for bringing us together in a perfect and graceful way." (Feel free to use the word "universe" if that's more comfortable).

or

"The perfect __________ (whatever I'm in need of) is on its way. And it will arrive with ease and joy."

I say the same thing before I get out of bed in the morning. By the way, a whole slew of what I'm grateful for usually proceeds this part. Going through these affirmations is like a shot of expresso for my sense of optimism and hope about the future. They ground me closer to hope vs. fear or uncertainty. I wish I could say I meditate everyday, but I don't. So this, in the least, is the mini mind-heart training I do.

Positive psychology dances around how focusing on what you want makes it happen. But I have read about "activating thoughts" and how the thoughts you focus on do expand...but I'll have to tie in the science appropriately another night. However, there are several studies that demonstrate how being optimistic helps you live longer, have better relationships, perform better at work, and so much more. So literally, optimism adds years to your life and is worthwhile.

I'm off to bed soon. By the way, getting enough sleep is something I'm really focusing on. If you're tired, you're less likely to enjoy the things that bring you joy which makes me feel shitty. Because in those moments I often forget it's exhaustion that's causing my sense of lacklusterness and then I blame myself or spiral into pity partydom. But really, I'm just tired. So to maximize my happy day, I'm honoring (as best I can) the rest my body needs to shine on.

With much love...goodnight.
Stella

P.S. I know a lot of you are much smarter about positive affirmations than I am. So please pitch in your tips or your own affirmations here.

Mother Nature and I are Chillin': How to Change Naturally

Today is the most glorious day outside. You can smell the Spring in the air. I'm so stirred by this weather I just want to sing!

In addition to loving today, this blog post is a celebration of organic change and everything in due time. It's not like Mother Nature says: "Yo, gestating buds, sprout out NOW and put some leaves on this dead lookin' cold tree." So why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we (or at least, I, and a few others I may know) expect full bloom overnight?

Yesterday I was coaching a former investment banker who quit her job because she wanted a different life. Three weeks into her new life she's feeling anxious. In a very gentle and empathetic way I recommended a chill pill. Here are the details of that prescription, which I've been taking myself, and yes, it's sometimes hard to swallow.

1. Everything is happening as it should. You're in the perfect place. Whether it's amazing or sucks. There's something you need to learn about your current situation and that's why you're there. Learn this lesson now so you can move on. Or else, you'll continue to be challenged until you pass. If you're currently in a delicious place, congratulations! All you have to do is be grateful for every drop. But even for those of you who are in a sucky place, you also need to be grateful for the lessons because that's how you grow.

2. Change is physical. Or neurological. Whether you're starting a new job, trying to lose 10lbs, or choosing to date people who are actually good for you, changing your behavior is not as simple as just making a decision. There's a lot of rewiring that has to go on up there (in your brain) in order to make the change you want feel like second nature. William James, the famous psychologist, talks about the plasticity of our neurological system. New habits force new neurological pathways while practicing old habits deepens existing pathways.

3. Take action. Go cold turkey. William James advises that if you really want to make something happen, you just have to do it. By not taking action on your desire to create change, you're hard-wiring yourself for failure.

4. The key is to take one small step in the direction you want to go and acknowledge your success. For example, I told my banker friend to make a list of her priorities in the areas of wellness, relationships, fun, and work. I asked her to schedule the items that give her the most joy as if they were her most important business meetings. At the end of each day, she's going to write in her journal about how she delivered against her objectives to love life. William James says that action + experiencing success (even if small) is what insulates your resolve from the temptation of going back to your old habits.

5. Give yourself a break. We're all about productivity, efficiency, results, and logic in our society. So when our bodies and minds don't operate as quickly as our Apple, we think something is wrong with us. There's a gap of space and time between becoming aware of a change you want to make and actually making the change. Honor that gap. It takes time to cross through it and for the brain to rewire. The more elegantly you honor the rocky process of change by just being patient and accepting the fact that it might be messy, the easier the discomfort will pass. Remember, "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." - Asian proverb.

Hope you like this mixed bag of metaphors...

Mustering patience with much love,
Stella

If my mom can do it, so can we.

Today was a very special day. For the first time in my entire life, I saw my mom swim. My mom is one spunky, brave, strong, fireball. But all her life she's carried an extreme fear of the water. Even putting her face directly into the shower was uncomfortable. For her birthday, my sister and I bought her swimming lessons. Here's what I learned from this experience:

1. Never give up on anyone or let them give up on themselves. It's just a matter of finding the right "in." My mom needed the assurance of a professional teacher, one-on-one. In positive psychology we know that not everything works for everybody - experiment until you find a strategy that works. Change is as much an art as it is a science.

2. Even those we look up to most still need us to say "great job!" My mom couldn't wait to show me how she swam today. It reminded me of when I was little and asked her to "watch me, watch me." My mom's desire to have me there as she swam exposed something beautifully tender to me. My giddy applause and "wow, I'm so impressed, mom, you're doing great," in the middle of Bally's Fitness Club pool was so important to her. While we all "know" how important praise is, sometimes, we, or at least, I, underestimate it, especially when it's going to "up" to someone I admire. I learned that everyone, no matter how amazing they already are, needs to be seen. We all have a duty to one another to rejoice and acknowledge each other's greatness.

3. Giving meaningful gifts feels SO good. I couldn't wait to give my mom this gift. I think this is the best gift I've ever given. Watching my mom in the Bally's gym pool doing something she never thought possible made me want to cry. This was so much better than jewelry and flowers. Studies show that giving can produce a physical high with similar benefits to a runner's high. You literally FEEL good.

4. "Anything is possible if you let it," Mary Poppins. By mastering this feat my mom is excited to see what else she can take on. It's truly contagious. Now no one in my family has an excuse that they "can't" do something.


5. It's never too late for anything! My mom (and my dad) learned how to ski at age 49 and to swim at age 52. And she's still adding to her list. I admire her courage and the fact that she's open for growth and trying new things. This makes me feel so excited about what new things I can learn and conquer with each year.

Thank you, mom. You've inspired me and I love you! Happy Woman's Day!

Much love to you all,
Stella

Do You Honor Your Pinky?

Yesterday, Karla (my business partner and friend) and I were having lunch with Will Leamon from Universal Force Yoga on 24th street. We're hoping to plan an exciting event together.

While enjoying our salads, Will was sharing mudras with us to help wake us up (we both had late nights). What is a mudra?

From Wikipedia on Feb 22, 2010:
A mudrā en-us-mudra-2.ogg [muːˈdrɑː] (help·info) (Sanskrit: मुद्रा, lit. "seal") is a symbolic or ritual gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. While some mudrās involve the entire body, most are performed with the hands and fingers. A mudrā is a spiritual gesture and an energetic seal of authenticity employed in the iconography and spiritual practice of Indian religions and traditions of Dharma and Taoism.

In yoga, mudrās are used in conjuntion with pranayama (yogic breathing excercises), generally while seated in Vajrasana pose, to stimulate different parts of the body involved with breathing and to affect the flow of prana in the body.

A brain research paper published in the National Academy of Sciences in November 2009, demonstrated that hand gestures stimulate the same regions of the brain as language.[1]

The point: every little bone in your body is signficant. Even moving your pinky in a certain way can have power over your emotions and thoughts.

There is a LOT of knowledge out there I don't know. And I bet you don't know it all either. And I know that positive psychology is still figuring it out, too. How exciting.


Much love,
Stella

Mindful Multi-tasking...Am I Brilliant or Kidding Myself?

I'm eating chocolate, doing laundry, facebooking, editing a paper, blogging, and watching the Olympics.

What does Positive Psychology say about multi-tasking?

Hmmm...I don't know. But let me talk about mindfulness.

If I am eating chocolate mindlessly yet am mindful that I am eating the chocolate in such a way, where am I? Let's see...

Mindfulness creates a space, a distance, between the “self” and the contents of one’s consciousness which includes thoughts, emotions, motives, one’s behavior, and the world (Maddux, 2009).

In this space, a flexibility imbues the individual, opening one up to novelty, sensitivity to context, and engagement with the present (Langer, 2009). Because we're open, mindfulness enables us to best deal with the inevitable uncertainties of life.

Still with me?

According to Barbara Fredrickson (2009), mindfulness is the gateway to optimism and positive emotion: “once you deliberately cultivate openness [via mindfulness], positivity follows automatically, along with its broaden-and-build entourage.”

Well, that's a plus! (pun intended).

Fredrickson further discusses how mindfulness is linked with resilience; because it is more grounded in the present, when mindful, an individual is less concerned or worried about the future. They don’t overgeneralize or overreact.

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the first Western scientist to teach and apply Eastern mindfulness practices to his medical patients using a methodology called, Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), discusses mindfulness as a non-judgmental attending to one’s inner experience with full awareness (Fredrickson, 2009).

For example, if one has a negative thought, in a mindful state, one can step back, accept the thought as just a thought, and not give into it.

AHA! This means I AM being mindful of my behavior right now and without slapping myself on the wrist, can step back and say, "enough, Stella, hide the chocolate!"

Here's where it gets interesting...

Over 25 years of studies reveal that mindfulness contributes to greater competence, health and longevity, positive affect, creativity, charisma, and reduced burnout (Langer, 1989, 1997).

In fact, mindfulness helps you experience less stress, less pain, reduced anxiety, clearer skin, and better immune functioning.

It's like vitamins, birth control pills, exercise, and pro-biotics all rolled into one!

Furthermore, it’s been proven that mindfulness training affects your brain; it reduces activity in circuits linked with negativity and increases activity in circuits linked with positivity (Fredrickson, 2009).

The opposite of mindfulness is mindlessness, going on automatic pilot. Most of the time we are mindless (Langer, 2009). Langer describes that mindlessness occurs in two forms: 1)through repetition such as driving the same route home and 2) Through single exposure of information such as when we blindly accept information without questioning it when presented by “authority” figures. So beware!

What can you do to be more mindful?

1. Meditate! Not sure how? Listen to Gabrielle Bernstein's guided meditations on iTunes.

2. When in conversation with someone, LISTEN to what they're saying instead of thinking about you're going to say or planning your grocery list.

3. Doing "mindless" tasks? NEVER! Even simple things like LAUNDRY can be done mindfully. Pay attention to the task at hand. For example, consider how amazing it is that you just have to press a button and presto, your clothing gets washed. Pay attention to how deliciously warm your clothing feels when it comes out of the dryer. Be HERE.

And yes, it's probably best to not do your laundry, blog, watch the Olympics, eat chocolate, facebook, and write a paper at the same time.

More mindfully now, with love,
Stella


References

Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity. New York: Crown Publisher.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2003), "Mindfulness-based interventions in context: Past, present, and future," Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice 10:144-56.

Langer, E. (2009). Mindfulness Versus Positive Evaluation. In Lopez, J. & Snyder, C. R. (Eds.), Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology (pp. 279-293). New York: Oxford University Press.

Maddux, J. E. (2009). Self-efficacy: The power of believing you can. In Snyder, C. R., & Lopez, S. J. (Eds.), Oxford Handbook of Positive Psychology, 2nd ed. (pp. 335-343). New York: Oxford University Press.

The Stuff that Makes Me Cry

Living with meaning, meaning, being in service of something bigger than you, actually helps you live longer (Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986)!

Here are some fun facts about living a life that matters (Luks, 1988):
Two thirds of people who perform altruistic behaviors report actual physical effects:
50% report a “high” feeling
43% of people who helped reported feeling stronger and more energized
28% felt warm
22% felt calmer and less depressed
21% experienced greater self worth
13% experienced few aches and pains

This has HUGE impact on what we "prescribe" to make ourselves feel better. Instead of seeking support, perhaps we should be GIVING support.

When I see and live meaning in action I just want to cry. Here's a few accounts of what's made me cry recently:


1. GIVING: During Thanksgiving Day weekend I visited my grandparents and did some gentle exercises with them on the carpet. After wards I massaged my grandpas back and his ears. He smiled with such glee it made me want to cry. Later I was telling my classmates in Philly about how meaningful this was to me and I did cry.

2. A few weeks ago I received the BEST gift ever. My friends, Alina and Klim Kavall, bought me the domain www.positivelystella.com and hooked it up so I didn't have to do a thing. They had no idea this was one of those annoying things that I kept pushing off on my to-do list. The unexpected kindness of this gesture made me tear. Seriously, this was better than diamonds.

3. Watching HBO's Documentary on Temple Grandin, the autistic woman who revolutionized slaughterhouses.
This movie made me sob. Watch it. I cried for her courage, her will, her overcoming, and her devotion to leave a meaningful mark on this world.

4. Being a part of one of best friend's wedding showers. Experiencing the product of the magnificent effort her mom and maid of honor invested and watching it all come to fruition.

5. Feeling grateful for just how freaking fortunate I am to have such an amazing family, group of friends, job, roof over my head, food in my fridge, coat on my back, toothpaste, a beautiful body that works, heat, a computer, safety, and I can go on. (This isn't really about meaning, more about feeling gratitude acutely...but still makes the crying list.)

To finish off...

"If you pay attention to all that you have, you'll always find more. If you pay attention to what you don't have, you'll always find you don't have enough" (Unknown).


With my love,
Stella


References
Hendrick, C. & Hendrick, S. (1986). A theory and method of love. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 50, 392-402.

Luks, A (1988, October). Helper’s high: Volunteering makes people feel good, physically and emotionally. and like “runner’s calm,” it’s probably good for your health. Psychology Today, 22(10), 34-42.

The Happiness Project

I met Gretchen Rubin yesterday who many of you have heard of from the Today Show, Oprah and other great coverage. She's the hot lawyer turned enlightened happiness experimenter. She wrote a book called the Happiness Project. Gretchen is lovely. Honest, smart, and well-versed in all the latest research on happiness.

She's going to be in NYC next week and in Philly the following week. Definitely visit if you're around.

New York City – February 24, 2010
JCC
334 Amsterdam Avenue (76th Street)
7:30 pm
Tickets: call 646-505-5708

Philadelphia -- March 2, 2010
Joseph Fox Bookshop
Hyatt at The Bellevue 200 South Broad Street
7:00 pm



Much love,
Stella

My Version of Being a Rebel

Okay. I've had another streak of not writing. But that's okay. Everyday I come up with FAB blog ideas and I just haven't created the opportunity to write. But I'm actually proud of myself for that. Normally I'd be chewing myself a new one for not doing what I SHOULD be doing...but I say, go ahead, and feel what it's like to NOT be perfect. It's actually nice. A little messy, but nice.


Here's an account of what else I've NOT been doing that I normally would consider something that I SHOULD be doing. Note: this exercise is obviously for those who may index high on anal perfectionism, work way too hard, are too hard on themselves, and try to please everyone in the world. If you don't experience these challenges, this post may not be a thrill for you. But watch-out, this is Stella being bad.


1. Last week I sent out the Ladies Who Launch newsletter with a typo in the subject line. Hell, this blog probably has a bunch of typos in it, too. Someone wrote me an edgy note that they were not "impressed". That totally sucked and gnawed at me because typos are not professional. I sent her a note that I hope she had at least enjoyed the content (the content was pretty good). I did not apologize. I'm tired of f'in apologizing.

2. I handed my positive psychology homework in late and I did not feel bad about it. Now this is Stella getting real rebellious. Watch out. Normally I'd torture myself with caffeine and sugar to meet the deadline. This time I said, F it. I need to take care of myself. (Isn't that what this program is about anyway?). The feeling guilty alarm tried to go off, but I snoozed it. I did feel a little bad...but didn't dwell on it.

3. I dance like crazy for 15-20 minutes instead of working out.
Normally I'd be like "well, it's not a real workout." But instead, I just let myself do something I love that's fun, releasing, and silly. Sure, it's not making me an Olympian, but you should see me grind by myself at 8am in my pj's.

4. I'm not answering all of my e-mails.
I get so many. I'm so freakin busy. I know there is an effective way to manage them...I know there are time management tricks I can try. But for now, there are just some e-mails that are going to fall through the cracks. And I'm not going to feel bad about it dammmit!

5. I take cabs! There are definitely moments where it would make more sense to take the subway...but lately, I've just been indulging in some above ground action. It might take longer and cost more, but I deserve not to have to walk between Times Square and Port Authority (my favorite places in the world) in high heels and 3 million freakin bags.

Okay, so I know I'm a pathetic bad girl. But here's what I've learned by releasing the "shoulds," Jewish guilt, and Miss Perfect agenda.

1. I am perfect! Family and friends still love me. I'm still in business. And I still got an "A." It's not that I got away with being "bad." The lesson is that I'm NOT bad. I'm perfect even when I do things I think aren't. We're all perfect even when we're messing up.

2. Letting yourself get a little messy is fun and opens you up to "ohhhh, what else I can get away with?" This did not encourage me to do further damage of any sort, but rather, reminded me of how much control I have over my everyday experience and LIFE! What a concept.

3. Being bad is like chocolate (at least for me). A little fix is healthy. But too much makes you sick. I've handed in all my assignments on time since my tardy episode.

Now it's your turn. For one day, don't SHOULD all over yourself and see what happens.

With my love and a little bad ass,
Stella