RIP...hard to do when you're alive

Most of us are in turbo mode...doing doing doing going going going all the time. When it comes to rest, at least for me, I sometimes have a hard time with it. Especially when it beckons at inconvenient times. For example, yesterday I set out to tackle a huge list of to-do's. But in the morning I found myself feeling kind of sick and lightheaded. I was all dressed and ready to go out the door, jacket on, boots on, bag packed. And then, something told me to open up my laptop and do just a few emails. So I did, in my jacket and boots. And when I was done I was exhausted. So then something told me to take a break and rest. And so I did. I thought I'd do this for only an hour and then take off. But then something told me to just let myself have the rest of the day off. So I watched netflix and took a nap.  I was about 80% okay with this.  I knew that my body was signaling to chill out.  And pulled some fancy trick moves to lure me into a day of rest that clearly my mind wasn't set on doing. I proceeded into the day with caution....suspicious and ready to judge in a flash: "are you being lazy?" "are you just shying away from what needs to get done?" A higher knowing, a delicate knowing kept on.  Today's posts demonstrate to me a flood of creative juice that was restored from yesterday. I've been meaning to blog for a while...and doing nothing yesterday filled up my tank.... even though I was keeping a watch-out for this rest stuff to be a ploy.  Resting in peace is not really encouraged in our "being-productive-and-fast-like-machines-society" but it works to keep us most alive.

Losing All My Confidence in Taco Shop

It's now been about 3.5 months since I moved to San Francisco so the space is emerging for me to reflect on the (unexpected) shock of landing on the West Coast.

When Ilya and I decided to move it all happened fast...we packed up our lives in six weeks. I thought we'd just transplant and I'd continue my life and business where I left off. No problem.

Instead I arrived in California and woke up the next morning feeling so disoriented that I wanted to jump out of my body.

Looking through the stacks of boxes I could see life outside my window. People going to work... cars zooming by. The day was sunny and I felt mocked by its beauty. I felt like double crap...because everything else seemed to shine.

There was no food in the fridge. Seamless in San Francisco isn't as seamless as it is in New York (uhhh, delivery charge and it takes an hour!). I was hungry. And I had to go out for food. I had to face streets unknown, grocery aisles anew, and people from a different land.

I thought to myself, "Stella, step out, explore! Find a new place to eat." And then, I thought, "Fuck you. I don't want to explore. Why is this feeling so difficult. Shouldn't this be exciting?!"

I spotted a taco place that looked cool. It was lunch time. I walked in and it was buzzing. Mexican women authoritatively commanded one to report their order fast. Start-up dudes waited in line, elbowing each other, laughing, talking about selling their third business for lots of zeros. Sports were on one tv, news on the other. It seemed so loud, so busy (hellooo, spoken from a woman who lived 6 blocks from Times Square). Everyone seemed in on a way of being that I was not.

Suddenly I felt like the new girl. I felt like I was 9 again, and just moved to New Jersey from Texas. Everyone and everything felt intimidating. I didn't know what kind of tacos I wanted! I didn't want to sit by myself! I didn't want to watch sports!

"What's happening to me?" I panicked. "Come on Stella - are you seriously afraid to sit down here? Who are you Stella? What's wrong with you?" I turned around and left quickly. I got some takeout next door and practically ran home to cry.

That instance wasn't about the taco shop, it wasn't about California, it wasn't about my confidence. It was about being in the process of releasing all that I knew and saying, "welcome," to the unknown packaged in way I would have never consciously asked for but actually had been asking for all along. I was experiencing pure creation and at the beginning of a new adventure.

To be continued...

Nothing is Something Continued ...Epiphany from a Cabbie Part 1

As some of you may know I recently moved from NYC to San Francisco. Both cities are brilliant in their own ways. The cab system in San Francisco, not being one of them.

That said, I experienced total grace in the back seat of two cabs the day before yesterday, so maybe there is light in this transit situation. This is Part 1 of my cab story epiphanies.

Cab dude #1: So what do you do?
Stella: I create fun experiences for people at work so they can be happier
Cab dude #1: Oh, that's nice. You should do something for the Yellow Cab company.
Stella: I'd love that. I'm sure it's a stressful job doing what you do.
Cab dude #1: My job, not at all.
Stella thinking: Ohhh. Unexpected answer. Don't assUme, Stellaaaah!
Stella: Really, tell me more about that.
Cab dude #1: It's actually really easy to make people happy. For example, when I hear it's someone's birthday or anniversary, I'll just offer them a ride for free. It's unbelievable how much happiness this gives them. An 87 year old woman once told me this was the nicest thing anyone has every done for her. She started to cry.
Stella: Wow.
Stella feeling: Love, oneness, gratitude for being in this moment and receiving this story.
Cab dude #1: Yeah, so it's easy to make a difference in someone's day just with something small.
Stella: You are changing lives in your cab everyday. What a blessing.
Cab dude #1: One time I left a club, feeling good...so I was feeling generous, you know. It was really cold that night and a homeless guy approached me asking for change. He's a black guy but his hands were blue. I told him, here's $100, go buy some gloves. Three years later I come out of that club, again, and he sees me, "Hey, I remember you...you gave that $100. That night was the best night of my life...I got a hotel room and three big macs...Look what I have now...that was an important night for me." He showed me his small business, he washes cars outside of the club. So you see a little thing I think is not a big deal...really changed that guy's life. It's amazing.
Stella: You can certainly changed my day with your story. Thank you for sharing. Do you mind if I share this with others?

Your Nothing is Something

The other morning, as happens many days and moments, my love, my partner in life, showered me with appreciation. We were in the middle of getting ready over breakfast. He caught me as I was cleaning off the countertop and said, "I'm so grateful for the space you create for me, I wouldn't be who I was without your support, you are amazing." I heard the words. I thanked him and looked at him and felt/thought, "wow, it's amazing that you feel this. I'm so grateful to have someone who has the capacity to appreciate in this way and also see me for someone I don't always see myself as." And then I continued to clear kitchen.

I didn't totally ingest or integrate his words - I just observed them. In fact, beyond appreciating him for saying them, at that moment, in between making coffee and cleaning off the countertop, I pretty much shrugged at the content of what he was saying.

I didn't know what he was really referencing...I felt I didn't deserve such heartfelt showering of appreciation. Especially since I was behind on groceries, hadn't done my hair in while, and was a bit grumpalicious recently. What do I really do I thought that's so special?

What I realized was that it's not about what I do, it's about what I am. And I forgot that. So here's what I recently remembered in my bones and in my heart (even though I've known it in my head for a while)...

• Just because you're not "doing anything" that feels hard or looks like effort doesn't mean it's not valuable or life changing. 
• The biggest gift you can offer people is being present. Fully listening to them. Not anticipating your thoughts. Being with them without judgement or naming or labeling something. This profoundly simple experience of just being, the act of doing nothing, is something.
• It's something only in that it offers a sense of freedom and light to those in your presence and this world. And this access to something beyond the mind, the chatterbox raceway of thoughts, the collision of past and future ruminations, this peace is divine.

And so I realized, after two ivy league degrees, some decent accomplishments in business, and tons of pushing and preparation and hard work...that my biggest gift to the world is not what I know or do but is my surrendering to the moment and being still.  

Take that to your next meeting. Or dinner with your love. Or as you sit in your car. Or as you wash the dishes. Know that you are divine and beyond enough and worth praise beyond words for being just as you are. 

Finding home

I just moved 36 days ago from New York to San Francisco. Other than a semester abroad, I've always been within about an hour's drive to my family and friends. The past five weeks have shown me much turbulence and growth. All I which I welcome and will further reflect on when there is more space...

For now...I share a quickie to show the vulnerability of our adaptiveness, of our discomfort with uncertainty, and how the existential happens in between the aisles of down comforters and shower heads.

Yesterday I went to Bed, Bath, and Beyond in San Francisco. Walking through the aisles I could feel myself get excited and relaxed at the same time. I stared at the things I could buy. I didn't want any of it. But still I gazed eagerly at it all. Drinking it all in. I noticed the distinct sensation of peace I felt, in contrast to what I've been holding since we landed in California.

I remembered shopping with my mom. And my house in New Jersey. I remembered starting my new home in New York. I could see flashes of all those decisions I made for creating numerous homes for the past 20+ years. I suddenly got transported out of the constant new in San Francisco to a place I knew. The familiarity of the lighting, the blue aprons worn by the clerks, the tall stacks of towels, and the awesome 20% off coupons nestled in my wallet washed me over with a soothing feeling. I found myself at home in Bed, Bath, and Beyond.

They say to lean into the discomfort, to get comfortable with the uncomfortable, that uncertainty is the only certainty. It's hard. So yesterday the universe gave me a hug...and I received some relief. I glanced quickly at a sense of stillness. For a moment I didn't have to discover, change, or learn anything - I could just be in midst of flannel sheets and glass tupperware.  And it was amazing.

7 steps for how not to feel bad for feeling bad.

Ever have a day when you know you have tons to be grateful for but still feel like shit? Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Judging your emotions actually stops the flow of information you're receiving. Which is the whole point of feelings. Feelings are another sense. The sixth sense. They allow us to navigate towards a better place. The more you bottle up your negative emotions, however uncomfortable they are, the more icky they become. Feelings just want to to be felt. Acknowledged. They want your attention. If you ignore them or disconfigure them - they'll just do all sorts of gymnastics to get your attention. And instead of showing you how to improve a situation, a relationship, yourself - their kungfu will get the best of you - until you're on your back with no other place to go.

So how exactly does one not feel bad about feeling bad? Or not bottle up without turning looney tunes? Or receive the info so they don't need to get beat up completely with all sorts of tough biznass. 

Well here's how:

1. Acknowledge that you feel like crapola. 

2. Know that it's not YOU who is the crapola, it's just a fleeting sensation.

3. Know that fleeting sensation will pass. I can't guarantee how long it will take. So you have to be patient. The more you lean into this - the easier it will subside.

4. Pretend you can actually see yourself from 30 feet above and watch yourself. Imagine who you are watching is just a little kid who is going through something. Would you tell that little kid they're a loser, weak, or bad for being where they're at?

5. I hope not.

6. Give an imaginary hug that little kid. Love that kid. 

7. Give yourself a break. Find a way to be quiet, sleep, exercise, scream, do whatever feels right in the moment to show yourself you care about you and that you're honoring where you are at. Even if this is inconvenient. Even if this takes time that you may think you don't have.

My inspiration for The i Scream Truck came out of this process. Instead of judging myself for wanting to scream, I just let it happen. I acknowledged that something was up and that I wasn't crazy for feeling so overwhelmed. I chose not beat myself up for my emotions, but rather just acknowledged and expressed them with some screaming. Afterwards I felt tons better. 

If this resonates with you take one minute and 10 bucks to contribute to The i Scream Truck campaign to generate inner peace one block at a time!

With much love,

Stella

Loving myself

Back in 2010 when shit hit the fan on a personal level - I set out on a quest to figure out how to love myself. What does it mean to really love yourself? Is it regular mani-pedi's? Exercise? Good diet? Daily affirmations?

About two years later I think I've finally gotten the swing. The love comes from listening to myself. And not judging. And listening to myself. And not judging.

It's not easy to listen to myself hear say, "Stella, you're not going to work today - you've been working too hard all weekend, so you're going to have to do nothing this Monday." Or, "Stella, you want that chocolate cake like it's nobody's business, just go for it!" Or, "Stella, the answer isn't clear now, but trust that its on its way." Or, "Stella, even though everyone says it doesn't make sense, this is something you've got to do - so just do it." It's not easy to hear such messages without judgement.

It's felt like a wrestling match at times - to go down the path of listening despite what I thought I "should do." But the more I trust the listening and do it without judgement, the happier I am.

Love,
S

knock knock...anybody there?

I'm not sure if anyone is out there anymore. But I miss Positively Stella. It's the day before I test my first early prototype of the i scream truck - something I've been dreaming up for a long time. I felt kinda blah today. I took myself out for a walk and kept whipping out all the positive interventions I usually do for a lift: gratitude, visualizations, distractions, mantras - non of it making much of a dent in my state of whateverness-wtf-am-i-doing-ness-is-this-crazy-and-does-it-matter-ness. Then I saw a cab drive by advertising the lotto for a $110MM. I asked myself - what would I do differently if I had that money? And my answer was: exactly the same thing I'm doing right now. Sure, I'd have nicer bags, a dishwasher, travel some more - but the slight relief from anti-climaticism came there. Realizing that I'm living my dream. And while I have no clue if will all transpire - I at least know that I have no regrets for not giving it a crazy go right now. I told my boyfriend, Ilya, about my not feeling the butterflies today and he said so wisely, "the stars would not shine if there were no darkness." I don't remember where he got that from - but I'm so glad I got him. Love, S

OK, people. I know it's been a while. I've been busy launching my new biz, WOOPAAH! It's the whole reason I went back to school to learn about positive psychology. I'm only telling you so far. Still kinda hush, hush, soft-launchy. Bigger splashes to come. But here's the deal. I have a blog on that site. And need to figure out how to transition or make sense of positivelystella.com in light of my WOOPAAH blog. Solution coming. But meanwhile, I'll just copy and paste. And double-post for now. It's my stuff and I can re-purpose if I want to! Hopefully that's cool with you for now. My best, S

sweat as glue

It's 92 in NYC. Creeping up to 100. It's been the kind of heat where the breeze is so hot it makes you warmer, not cooler.

The other day (which was even hotter) I found myself pacing impatiently at the Christopher Street stop in the subway. As my legs slipped around each other glazed in sweat, my arms akimbo for ventilation, I noticed the scene around me: a mini dog's head flopped over its LV carrying bag like a lifeless bob, giving up. Mr. Banker man's light blue shirt was all dark blue. The homeless man just sat on the bench, looking like he normally does. The sexy girl's make-up was dripping, she seemed devastated. We all were quiet. Slow. Mouths open. Waiting and waiting for the 1 train with messed up service. Looking desperately into the tunnel for a sign of two lights.

What I realized in that moment was just how connected I felt to everyone there with me. Money, power, sex, brand names, hurts in heart, places traveled, degrees earned, good deeds done, crimes committed, whatever it was that we were or doing, had or strived for- none of that mattered. In that heat, on that platform, all that defined us as individuals was perspired away leaving each person in the same - wilted, breathing, and being. I felt each one of them.

I just think that's cool.

Best
S

Permission to Fumble

You know when you know something but just can't find the right words to articulate it? Or the right thoughts? But, you know that there's something there - whether it's a feeling you can't quite place, or a hunch of a good idea. This post is about giving yourself permission to fumble through the thick of it so you can land in a place of improved clarity. The key to fumbling as elegantly as possible - is to do the following:

1. Identify a "safe" person(s) to fumble with. By safe, I mean someone who is a good listener, non-judgmental, and authentically has your interests in mind. Even better if they're not vested in the outcome of what you're fumbling with.

2. Ask your safe person(s) for permission to fumble through and request what you need of them. "I just need you to listen." "Tell me what you hear me saying." "I don't know what I'm getting at...but think there's something, can you help me clarify?"

3. Pay attention to the mirror, mirror, on the wall. Face the fact that you might not actually want to hear what's coming out of your mouth. So really listen to what your safe listener is playing back for you.

4. Take mental or physical notes and then let some time pass. Let your subconscious speed up to your conscious. Your brain has wheels turning that our out of your control - and those parts work wonders. It's what happens when the AHA pops up. The best way to let that happen is to switch your attention to something other than what you're trying to resolve. Take a break.

5. Repeat this cycle with another safe person (s), or advance to the party that may be involved in either developing your idea or working through the issue you have.

Innovation, growth, progress only happen when we give ourselves permission to take risks into the unknown.

Peace.
S

Consuming or Nurturing?

When making way for the new, consider what you can release. Maybe it's that book you are never going to read. Maybe it's the "friend" who is total drain-o (technical term for "depletes your energy"). Maybe it's clearing your bag of all those loose receipts. Maybe it's parting ways with t-shirts that are expired.

I once read that nature doesn't like holes. So if you create a new opening, a new space, fill it with something nurturing to seal the deal of goodness or the same stuff will just be attracted right back. You know how when you get a facial - they clear you out and then seal your pores? It's the same thing for everything.

If you're clearing a physical space, consider lighting candles, adding flowers, or performing some blessings. If you're clearing a relationship, make sure to fill your life with activities that fill you with positivity. Get the point?

One way to decide whether it's for keeps or not is to ask: is this consuming me or is it nurturing me?

peace.

inspired by a friend

a good friend just shared something brilliant with me and it was totally expanding. i was like, woah....how can i learn THAT?!?

she said, "i've been so busy focusing on what outcome i wanted, i didn't give any possibility for appreciating what just is. i've been trying to control the whole situation. and once i let it flow...i was met with something even bigger. not the package i wanted it in...but beyond GOOD. and, actually exactly what i needed."

hallo! let me get in on some of that action. ahhh, the tender place of envisioning, desiring, but being open to any outcome - for the masters.

sometimes you gots it. sometimes you don't.

s

The Download

Today I met up with my business coach. It took me a while to seek out the support of someone else. After all, don't I advise thousands of women on entrepreneurship - shouldn't I have my own answers? Uhh. NO. Everyone needs someone. You can't do it alone. And that's the point of this post. So here we go:

It's been over two months since I saw her last. We're supposed to meet monthly. But to be honest, I put it off. I wanted to wait until I had some real "progress" to show her.

After ordering some divine fried chicken thingy, from the cool, local South Africa spot in my hood, she said, "Now, Stella. Stop judging yourself. Don't feel like you have to perfect for me. I'm not anyone you have to get "ready" for. I'm the one you can vent, you share, you can just BE wherever you are. That's the point. I'm here to help you."

AHHH. Yes. I forgot...you're here to help me (not used to that). So we just talked. I gave her updates. She was super validating and enthusiastic. I shared some insecurities. I expressed things I hadn't quite worked out in my head. And then I left feel lighter, better, energized.

My coach is a trailblazing entrepreneur - many of you have probably enjoyed her products sold nationally throughout Whole Foods. She gives me some amazing biz advice. But what I think I really pay her for is the listening. It's the chance to give a messy, undigested download, and have a space to see it somewhere outside my head. When "IT" is out in the world - through spoken word to someone else - somehow I feel I have more space from within to analyze, resolve, create, innovate, and feel alive.

Don't underestimate the power of the download. If you are wrestling with anything, unsure, overwhelmed, or feeling a little ick - talk to someone. Literally, say, "Hey Friend or Coach or Stranger: Can you give me 10 minutes of just pure downloading time? I need to get somethings out of my head and all you have to do is just listen - this would help me work it out. Would be happy to do the same for you if you like."

I know this sounds small, duh, and you know it. But I needed a reminder. So thought I'd share. We need each other - even if it's just to be containers for downloads.

Now if you want to be an advanced, super container make sure you validate the feelings or experience of the downloader. Don't negate what's happening - just show the sharer that you care for them regardless of whatever they are sharing. We all need to feel that we're loved, valued, and worthy - despite any junk in the trunk.

Much love
s

Plans

What's a track record anyway? It's your choosing to acknowledge certain actions led to certain results. But there are infinite track records - infinite tracks. So perhaps we shouldn't so rely on what served us before serves us now. Or what worked before is bound to work again. Or that just because it was "planned" it's the best choice in the moment.

I'm getting more and more comfy with what my friend Lisa says to me all the time, "Stella, you choose now. And you can choose again later...everything is allowed."

So I'm allowing myself to get more jiggy with changing my mind and making up my own rules. Because 1) everything is made up anyway, so might as well create it in a way that sings true to me and my values. 2) things changes, and to override the present because of a past intention feels more about proving something versus exercising integrity in the now.

As best as I can now..
s

Ready Freddy? A relief from anguished patience.

What does it mean to be ready? I actually looked it up on freedictionary.com it means: "Prepared or available for service, action, or progress."

I've been coming off an impatient jag recently...questioning why things weren't the way I wanted them now (I'm wincing as I write this ... but yes, I was having an existential tantrum...NOW NOW NOW!). Why can't I be ready for X NOW? Why can't he be ready for me NOW? Why isn't it all happening NOW?!? Why is the time not NOW? Why haven't I launched it yet? (Note to reader: This is not a recent jag - this is an-all-my-life-I've-been-feeling-this-restless-kinda-jag...I just happen to be recently coming off of it - settling into something else).

So I've been asking myself:
Prepared? What else I have been doing but preparing?!?
Available? I've created a big huge space for available...hello?!?
What else am I to do? If it's not happening does it mean I can't handle it? Does it mean I have more work to do? Is there something wrong with me? Please, please, whoever is in charge, don't tell me...it's just because I'm not ready! I'm not feeling that ANSWER.

So...here are some alternative answers I came up to self soothe...check them out...They appeared through two events that shined the light on the complexity of that which I have been calling, "readiness."

1. A hangover
2. Very healthy and strong nails

What the hangover taught me about "readiness"
I had a great night on Saturday at a friend's b-day and spent most of my Sunday recovering. I'm not a big drinker, at all. So it's been a while since I felt this sweet. I tried to stay in bed but couldn't. I tried to work - forget it. I spent time with a friend for bfast - positive and distracting but I still wanted to throw up afterwards. What to do?

Nothing. But let it take it's course. I felt a familiar tug pointing me to look up and see the answer about my readiness examination. Saying, see, see, Stella, you just got to sit with it. Not much for you to do here. So, I took some Excedrin, and finally fell asleep. I emerged a NEW WOMAN! God was I grateful for my body working this out. I felt victorious. I felt AWESOME. All I did was relax. Hmmm.

What my nails taught me about readiness
There was a time when I covered my nails with fake stuff so I would have one less appointment every few weeks - so worth it (I guess). But I stopped because I couldn't find a good lady to replace the one I cherished. Suddenly it was just me, my natural and wilted nails from overly chemicalized treatment, and some pain.

So what to do? Well, not much. I tended to them as best I could. Bought some vitamins. And let, again, my body and time do its work. This week I looked down at them and realized, woah, they're back! They are rockin! Lookin FINE.

So what's the lesson? How have I appeased myself so as not to consider myself a failure because the things I've so been moving towards are still moving their way towards me? Well, if you think the message here is JUST WAIT, it will all work out - that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, just LIVE, do what feels right in the moment, and one day, one day, dear Stella, and dear reader, you'll wake up and the shift would have occurred, effortlessly actually - because you were totally present in your life.

I'm done trying to clutch onto a virtue of which I have none (patience). It's not about patience or waiting. There is not waiting. There is just BEING.

So here's to being as full as you are, just right now. Which is perfect. Relaxing or doing. Preparing or not. Available or Occupied. Fresh and chipper or smelling like last night's cocktail. It's all good. And none of it is missing anything. It's not incomplete. So long as I'm plugged into this perspective I feel whole. I don't feel like I'm missing anything, like I'm longing to be any where but here, and the restlessness, oh that constant tug, well, it feels ever-so-slightly more peaceful. For which the tiniest droplet of that rest - I am grateful.


Best,
Stella

When you feel like you're missing something, realize you have everything already.

I must have been ON

The other day I was walking down the street to buy some quick groceries for an impromptu dinner party in my back yard. I quickly changed into my first summer dress of the season. The sun was just setting. I just got a mani-pedi. The breeze was warm. And the fog of sadness that I had been experiencing that week (oh romance) started to clear up.

Walking briskly to the market I made eye contact with a man who smiled big at me. As we were about to pass one another he held up his hand for me and I gave him a big high-five. And we both kept walking. We didn't lose a beat. If you were an observer you would think we were long-time neighbors. But I never saw this dude in my life, nor can I recall what he looks like.

It was the most brilliant exchange and gave me so much light. It was a "yeah, high-five to life mf'ers, we are all connected human beings" kinda moment. I LOVED it.

While random and so small it was my personal sign that everything is all good and will be all good.

I often use NYC streets as my mirror. I try to make eye contact with strangers. Gauging by their response, my energy. Sometimes I get tons of warm affection - and people who I don't know feel very familiar. Other times, I find, I can barely get a glance from the throngs.

We experience what we put out. And I'm so grateful for that mini-moment - totally affirming and celebrating. A little file I will put away for days when I need a high-five.

best
s

Non-Violent Confrontation with a Moth

I just worked out. Sweaty. Excited to feel a cool shower. I move the shower curtain out of the way and something huge flies out. Holy shit! I scream. F+CK. I don't like having to deal with insects. Damnnnnnnn. Jumbo Moth calmly hides itself on the upper reaches of my medicine cabinet. Fine. (But you better not eat my clothes MF'er).

I finish my shower. Dry off. And know that I have to deal with it. Come out come out wherever you are.

I open my medicine cabinet and it's hanging out on the brim. But it's still steamy and I can't see that well. My glasses are off. And when I put them on they just fog up. "You've got to be kidding me," I mentally declare to the moth/man/world higher up's.

Can't you just leave or somehow not be here! Seriously, I don't have time to deal with this right now.

I stare at it. As I do with all bugs who come into my space (or so I think it's mine). I'm hoping it has ESP and will somehow catch up to my thoughts - knowing what's good for it, and peacefully depart.

The problem is that there is no way out. My window is shut. I'm still naked. The medicine door, if I let go to open the window will swing shut. And then Jumbo Moth will be squashed or tumbling around with my floss, lotion, etc. Uhhhh. And then dealing with opening up the cabinet only to have it fly into my face is not an option.

Quick thinking I create a MacGyver-like prop with some "Purity" face wash - it keeps the medicine cabinet from fully swinging shut. I cover myself up quickly with my towel - now free to open my window as high as possible without flashing my Super.

Then I tell it, OK. You can go now. Just go.

But it won't. So I start blowing on it.

Can't you feel the breeze of my breath? Move it!

Nothin.

So then I start to mentally bargain and be nice. OK Mr. Moth, it's been great knowing you, thanks for stopping by, you can seriously just take off now.

Nothin.

Fine. I get out a magazine and it starts to flutter. And fly. Oh no! It's all around. Ahhhh. I'm in a steamy box, naked, with a Jumbo Moth that has no navigational sense. What if it flies into me and sticks to my skin? (Amazing the imagination, isn't it?). Its wings flap so fast it feels like it has thousands of wings. I'm so freaking out.

And then it's out. Right out the window! The chaos and frenzy disappear. Silence and stillness.

I shut the window FAST. YES!

I raise my arms victorious. Jumping up and down in my bathroom.

This felt big for me. Profound. I'm not sure if there is necessarily a big AHA here or lesson. But dealing with this on my own (versus asking a boyfriend or my mom) made me feel quite competent. Maybe there's something in this about fear? About dealing? About letting go instead of squashing? I'm not going to over analyze this one - just relish feeling quite proud, relieved, and ready to take on the next challenge. Yeah baby. Thanks Jumbo.

Best,
S

Pleasure, A Close Cousin to Negative Emotion

I started another blog post but got hungry. While searching for some research on my post, I found this paragraph below that I wrote in my capstone for grad school. Because I'm craving a yummy breakfast - I'm taking the easy way out of this post opportunity by copying and pasting something else I wrote. Read and you'll see how my hunger/ desire for food is affecting this opportunity for expansion, for giving you something bigger:

"I want to distinguish the difference between positive emotions and bodily pleasures. While they feel good, bodily pleasures do not function like positive emotions. The positive experience of sexual stimulation, a massage, yummy chocolate cake, or a warm blanket on a cold winter day, do not lead the way to flourishing. In fact, bodily pleasures are close cousins to negative emotions by the way they similarly narrow one’s mindset to focus on satisfying a desired action. Unlike negative emotions, rather than moving away from something [like danger], we are drawn to the craved experience (Fredrickson, 2009)."

Pleasure isn't bad, it just doesn't necessarily lead you to being your biggest self, to growing, to expanding - because you can't look up until satisfied. There's a role for pleasure, because damn, it feels good! Just know it has limits on how it can actually serve your intentions.

Quickly signing off for some bruncheroo action.

Best
S

Fredrickson, B. L. (2009). Positivity. New York: Crown Publisher.